Why Am I So Put Off By My Friend’s Constant Asks For Financial Help?

I have a friend who, I swear it, asks on social media for people to help her pay rent every. single. month. Like “really struggling, here’s my venmo / cashapp” and always includes her various marginalized identities (many of which we share.)

This has lowkey started to driven me UP. THE. WALL. and i don’t know why. Am I bitter because I barely make rent every month myself, working three jobs, and every month I’m pitching in on her rent, too? Am I second-hand embarrassed? Am I judging her because I was raised in a household that was very “no handouts” and if I went on socials asking strangers for money, my father would disown me? Like……maybe if you need our help to pay your rent every month you should move to a cheaper city? Do I have to keep donating to her rent fund? Am I a terrible person? 

Summer: Well, your last two questions are easy so I’ll take those. No, you’re not a terrible person for not regularly giving financial aid to others. Because everyone living with restricted funds also needs to look out for themselves too, and our resources aren’t unlimited. You are also allowed to not donate to her if you don’t like it. In fact, you probably shouldn’t be giving money to someone if you disapprove of how they’re soliciting it or using it.

If your household was aggressively ‘no hand-outs’ like mine, then yeah, there probably is something to think about in terms of why we feel that way about mutual support. Or why we may be more hostile toward the idea of ‘giving away’ our resources. Note that supporting others in our orbit isn’t always giving something away, even if you are giving away something materially. Social structures aren’t just material. You may be giving something material in exchange for something immaterial – like their care, a favor owed, or just good feelings. It sounds to me like the real issue here is that your friend isn’t reciprocating in any meaningful way despite receiving support in something pretty essential. Would your opinion of them soften if they gave you a heartfelt thank you and invited you over for dinner afterward? Or use the money they get to really dig themselves out of this situation and make it up to you (even non-monetarily) later? If your opinion would be different in the face of reciprocity, then the issue is the lack of reciprocity.

Even if your reasons for not donating to her are less kind, you’re still not obliged to give your money to her. Unless you want to.

Valerie: I actually understand this feeling, and it’s one I’ve had to train out of myself as well. I think it’s partially what you said – growing up in a “no hand-outs” household, plus the feeling of…almost jealousy? that someone else can ask for help when I can’t. I’ve never been good at asking for help when I need it, and for some reason feel a lot of shame around needing financial help specifically, both of which probably come from familial issues I haven’t worked out in therapy yet. So I think sometimes when I see people crowdfunding their rent, it’s equal parts “why does this keep happening” and also “why is it so easy for others to ask for help when it’s not something I can do for myself.” Whenever I find myself having a twinge of annoyance at asks like this, I try to find the most empathetic answers to those questions: For example, “If you can’t make rent, why don’t you move to a cheaper city?” – moving itself is stupidly expensive. Breaking a lease is sometimes pricey or impossible, most new places require a down payment of some kind (like a new apartment could require a deposit of first, last, and security – so basically three months’ rent at once), if their financial situation changed since they moved into their current location (e.g. job change) they might not have the credit score or income to even get approved for a new place. They might be trying their damnedest to get by/get out, but it’s just taking some time. Of course, some people out there ARE taking advantage of others’ generosity, but if this person is your friend, I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt, and I think you should, too. THAT SAID, you are under no obligation to donate toward this cause. There are other ways you can support them, if you want to, that don’t involve money. Invite them over and cook a meal for them, for example; even reposting their financial ask on social media would be a way to show your support without having to contribute, since it doesn’t sound like you’re over there Scrooge McDuck-ing it in a swimming pool of gold and hoarding wealth.

Nico: I think that if you are also struggling to pay rent, then your friend is not aiming her asks at you. She’s asking people who can afford to help, for whom it wouldn’t be financially difficult to spare some funds. If you’re also piecing together your own rent dollar by dollar, you should not feel bad about having to pay your own bills. If you’re feeling second-hand embarrassment, that is something to consider working on. It’s not embarrassing to need help. It also does appear to be something that’s related to your family culture for you, that might be very different for your friend. Also, for a variety of reasons, finding work or working might be more difficult for your friend in ways that you don’t know of or necessarily share. You ask if your friend should move to a cheaper city, for example, but moving costs money, for one, and, for another, maybe your friend has social connections and support where she is now and has fewer elsewhere. People are going to continue going through difficult financial times as our economy continues to upend in this capitalist hellscape, so I think the sooner we can learn to reserve judgment for the people actually responsible for our economic hardship, the better. You and your friend are more alike in circumstance than you are different, and cultivating a sense of solidarity for others (and grace for yourself) will go a long way as so many people keep trying to survive, with whatever means they have to do so. I’d reach out to your friend, as others have suggested, get together, offer what you can, whether that’s company or a meal, and try to put your frustrations out of your mind. Maybe it’s time to organize some kind of casual / one-off job board for people in your area, if one doesn’t exist already. That way, people can come together to share ways to supplement their income and get extra cash when funds are tight. Signal loops can be used for something like this, but maybe also a Facebook group or something if that is more your zone.

My ex is my good friend, and we’ve developed a long distance flirtationship three years post (messy, polyamorous) breakup. I would like them to come visit me, and I know for a fact that they would like to see me too. They don’t have the resources to finance a visit themself— is it a bad idea to offer to pay for their visit (or half of it?) myself? I don’t have *all* that much money, but I can swing the plane ticket.

Class differences were a sticking point at times when we were together, so I’m a bit worried that asking to pay for them to come here would make them uncomfortable and hurt what we have. Is there a best way to format the ask? I considered it, but offering to visit them is out of the question for a few good reasons. Another idea I had was possibly inviting them to meet me somewhere other than where I live as a fun trip together– does that seem better?

Thanks!

Valerie: If money was an issue in your relationship, and things are still a bit messy/flirty, a neutral location does seem like the better idea. Maybe closer to them so the financial burden isn’t as high. But offering to pay for them seems like a sticky situation; for one, because money always is, but also because it’s possible they COULD swing it but know it’s a bad idea and are just using money as an excuse. So I think offering this trip idea is a great way to test those waters – have it be something that would be more affordable than them coming to visit you, and if the answer is still no, maybe table the idea of meeting up for a while.

Summer: I second Valerie’s suggestion to do something on ‘neutral’ ground. It’s much easier to work a discussion about splitting costs when the scenario is framed as a ‘trip’ than a ‘visit to my home’. Discussing logistics and finances is kind of mandatory when setting up a ‘trip’, so you have plenty of reason to do it. Making it a trip also opens up more distractions in case things don’t go as expected (in good and bad ways). Meanwhile, bringing her to your home could cause a resurgence in feelings or stress about the relationship that aren’t conducive to having fun. I don’t know how things are between you two—probably good, since this is on the table, but meeting someone again after a relationship always has a risk of being emotionally tenuous. 

Riese: If I want someone to come visit me and I know money would deter them from being able to (and vice versa), I do generally offer to cover the ticket, but I do realize this might be a complicated situation. Usually I’d just stick it into a parenthetical statement “(happy to pay for half/all ticket if you need — but totally ok to say no to the trip if that feels off to you!)” in the invitation. I guess I would hope that simply offering a thing, with the option there to say yes or no to it, wouldn’t immediately rupture the relationship. You could also just be honest about the hurt, too — “I know in the past money stuff has been rough for us and I haven’t always handled it well — I just really wanna see you so I’m trying to overcome the fear that the ask/offer might feel like more of that. But again… totally cool if that’s not something you’re comfortable with.”