Saying you’re a brat in BDSM circles might get you the same response as calling yourself a pillow princess among lesbians. It’s polarizing, and a lot of people lose interest without giving the topic any consideration. This style of submission and its associated dynamic is often maligned due to cultural perceptions or people’s bad experiences with a brat.
I for one think brats get an unfair treatment due to the knee-jerk reaction people have when they hear the term. And I don’t think the people who dismiss us are unsympathetic. I just think people don’t understand the structure of a brat dynamic before making their decision. I’ll explain.
The brat dynamic is a story
I’ve got a bratty streak, so I know that the main criticism people level at us can be summarized as, you’re going to be annoying and I’m supposed to get turned on by that?
No. I’m going be annoying and you’re going to fuck the annoying out of me. It’s a three “act story.
Act 1: An Established Order
Brat dynamics are fundamentally about the consensual and playful violation of a rules-based order. Brattiness is recalcitrant. Disobedient. In order to disobey or rebel, there must be an established order. In most BDSM relationships, the authority to impose this order is granted to the dominant partner with input from the submissive partner. This can play out in brat dynamics too. An established brat dynamic may adjust their rules with the expectation of being broken. A dominant could set rules that are easy or entertaining to break. A brat might feign enthusiastic interest in following the rules as part of the play-acting. Regardless of the approach, rules are established. Think: check-ins, dress codes, use of titles, and routines.
The very fact that brats are going to break those rules is exactly what makes the dynamic fun. It’s also why the dynamic fails when brattiness is imposed on others. Imposing bratiness on an unsuspecting or unwilling dominant partner disregards their comfort zones and expectations. At best, it sours their opinion of the relationship. At worst, it can feel like a boundary violation. Likewise, a dominant partner who expects their rules to be broken is going to be disappointed when they get an obedient, apologetic, perfectionist for a partner.
Act 2: Disobedience and Tension
Once the rules are in place, it’s the brat’s turn. Like any relationship, good brat dynamics are reciprocal. The previous act is the dominant partner’s domain: regulation, firmness, and order. Now it’s the ‘submissive’ partner’s turn.
This is the brat part of the dynamic. This is when they openly bend rules and challenge the dominant’s authority. Classics include flirtation when the dominant can’t respond (steamy sexts while they’re at work) and verbal teasing (is that the best you’ve got?). Bratting can also reward creativity. Brats also play pranks. Hide something the dominant needs (like the crop they’re gonna use on you) or screw all of their water bottles and pickle jars on really hard. Another time-honored tradition is malicious compliance. Ordered to fold the laundry? Sure, it’s all folded into one massive tower. Prepare lunch? It’s done. It’s also eaten because nothing was said about what was to be done after the preparation.
The point of disobedience is to contribute tension to the dynamic. The brat has introduced disorder and that provokes a response from the dominant partner. In a healthy dynamic, bratty disobedience is playful and consensual. It’s also fun for the dominant partner because they don’t know what the brat will do next, but they do know that the misbehavior is well-intentioned and won’t exceed hard boundaries. For the dominant, it’s like a shot of sensory deprivation. You don’t know what’s going to happen next and that’s what makes it fun.
Bratty behavior won’t be well-received in an unprepared dynamic. It’ll instead be childish or downright frustrating. A dominant who isn’t ready to meet the brat’s needs may also be at a loss for how to react to this. If that happens, you don’t have tension. You have a disconnect. There’s a breakdown in relationship expectations and it’s time to scroll down to the bottom of any of these articles and write into our advice box.
Act 3: Resolution and Release
Once tension and disobedience reach a point that demands a response, we reach the final act. The dominant partner responds to the accumulated infractions and annoyances by restoring the rules-based order. In a sexual dynamic, this usually includes a BDSM scene that includes punishment. The ways this can happen are as diverse as BDSM relationships themselves. Traditional punishments like orgasm denial and impact play may be imposed. Rules may be amended to prevent (and further encourage) creative circumvention. The dominant may levy creative punishments for the brat’s creative misdeeds, which adds unpredictability to the dynamic. The dominant may just restore their bruised authority by subjecting the brat to kinky sex.
This culminating moment has two main purposes: releasing tension and resolving this cycle of play. It also gives more agency to the dominant partner after the brat has had the entire previous act to wreak havoc.
Releasing Tension
The brat’s insubordinate or frustrating behavior has continuously introduced tension to the dynamic. This is intentional. However, just as horror fiction needs a release, so does sexual tension. Accumulating tension without an end will simply tilt the dominant’s feelings into genuine irritation and powerlessness. For the brat’s part in this, their misbehavior is also intentional and has the aim of eliciting a strong, sexual response from their dominant partner. If that response doesn’t happen, the brat is also left disappointed.
In most brat dynamics, this the climax (hah) of the story is expected and inevitable. But the intensity and sex acts that follow are not always predictable. Just as the brattiness can be unpredictable, the dominant’s response is also unpredictable. That mounting fear and excitement of how the dominant will respond is key to many brat’s enjoyment of this dynamic. In any case, things usually reach The Point where the dominant gives the brat exactly what they’ve been working toward this whole time.
Resolving the Arc
The other purpose of this act is to resolve this period of teasing and rulebreaking with definitive action from the dominant’s part. Contrary to people’s perceptions, a brat dynamic is highly reciprocative and dynamic. The dominant’s involvement in this final stage reasserts the established order through punishment and domination. It also restores the dominant’s authority that has been eroded, sometimes through (consensual) humiliation on the brat’s part. The brat had their fun, now the dominant gets to have their fun. And when it works correctly, everyone is having fun.
Once the brat has been chastised through sexual punishment, rough sex, or whatever else the dynamic needs, the arc can be closed. This is where the customary reflection, aftercare, and gentleness can happen. The participants are exhausted or bruised. Order is restored.
If each round of bratting didn’t end with resolution, the relationship would just be an escalatory ladder of misdeeds. The brat has frozen the dominant’s work clothes solid overnight, reset their alarms half an hour early, and refused to give oral when ordered. If there’s no response after those and numerous other offenses, what next? Welding their car doors shut? Serve them divorce papers as a deeply inadvisable prank? It can’t go on forever. The brat needs to be put in their place. We crave it.
Lastly, closing the arc opens the way for the next round of bratty behavior. The dominant enjoys a period of comfortable authority until the brat is ready to instigate again. The relationship continues flourishing.
Who deserves a brat
Brat kink dynamics elicit a strong response from people for good reason. They are not for everyone. They’re not for people whose romantic cohesion depends on a sense of stability and routine. They’re not for people who are unwilling to get creative in response to chaos. They’re not for people who want steady obedience. This applies to us brats and those we pursue.
Conversely, brat dynamics can be thriving places for those who need it. People who enjoy rough sex or consensual non-consent love the resistance and inevitable punishment inherent to brat kink. Kinksters who flourish in chaos and unseriousness can do well to find a relationship that keeps all participants on their toes. A well-informed brat dynamic can also alleviate one of the most common annoyances in BDSM: the dominant needn’t be the instigator of play all the time. Our dominants and ‘brat tamers’ can go through a whole cycle of seeing their authority respected and challenged before they need to plan a scene. When executed well, all of that bratty behavior also serves as foreplay and prelude to get the dominant going so they’re not just an unwitting slave to the submissive’s kinky desires.
The last thing I want to point out is that brat dynamics demand as much, if not more, communication and respect for boundaries as any kinky relationship. It’s one thing to establish an order in a relationship, but establishing an order and intentionally challenging it injects a lot of extra complexity into a relationship. For this to work, boundaries need to be clear-cut and respected by everyone involved.
There are dynamics where all bratty behavior is only permitted in the bedroom. There are ones where brattiness is only allowed when the dominant is in a headspace to respond. Brats can have an in-depth list of boundaries and no-go punishments, and it falls to their dominant to respect those. Everyone has a ‘sacred’ boundary that can never be impugned. I’d never stand for someone ‘punishing’ me by confiscating or harming my plush animals. If I dated a fellow miniature painter, I’d never presume to interfere with their model collection. Healthy consensual non-consent or impact kinks appear violent, but are founded on a core of utmost respect. Brat dynamics appear intrusive and childish, but should likewise be an environment of mutual love and respect.
There. Brat kink as explained by a self-professed brat. One who is very frustrated at people’s knee-jerk treatment of a kink dynamic that is actually creative and reciprocal. I know it’s not suitable for most people, especially the dominants who have to put up with us. We feel the same way when searching for a compatible partner. Nonetheless, all kinksters deserve to be understood. And I hope I contributed something to that understanding.
When brat kink is done well, it’s awesome. You truly can have a fruitful back-and-forth dance built on challenging authority. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to censor some choice nudes with 💩 emojis and send them to people who were hoping for better behavior.
Well this was freakin awesome
Ah, that makes a lot of sense. I really appreciate how you laid that out and explained it as three acts. Of course there is way more depth and detail behind a term I sometimes hear tossed around lightly. Put it this way, I’m nowhere near secure enough to try it out, I think I crave stability too much, but I’m glad to have learned.
This was great :) I have some anxiety about rule-breaking, which is why many aspects of this dynamic appeal to me—the chance to ~not~ do as I’m told, and to be earnestly mischievous instead of earnestly proper, in a situation where I know it won’t change anyone’s opinion of me.
Thanks for explaining! I finally understand brat dynamics better. The playful tension, rule-bending, and consensual mischief really make the dynamic exciting, fun, and engaging for both dominant and brat partners.