Should We Stay Together For The Money?

My girlfriend and I are not.happy, the relationship is not.working. We had a few good years but this past one has just been stupidly bad. The thing is we cannot afford to stop living together for at least the next 6 months. We don’t have savings or safety nets or parents with money to help us out, just trust me, we can’t move out. I think that’s why we’re still together even though I don’t want to be the first one to say it and clearly she doesn’t either!!

What should we do?

Summer: This one hits close to home. The relationship I just came out of was one where the break-up decision was reached in the middle of the year, but circumstances meant that we couldn’t physically separate until the end of the year. In our case, we still had a very supportive friendship and non-romantic relationship that we could lean on. It made the rest of the year far more tolerable while we prepared for the big separation. But that only works if you and your partner still have a great friendship to lean on.

In a position where both people aren’t enjoying themselves and can’t split up, the main options are to endure it until they can or change the nature of the relationship. If you think you can handle it, it’s possible to button-down hard and prepare for a breakup where you can both support yourselves independently. The more likely thing to happen is that… I think one of you needs to come out and say that the state of the relationship has changed. And it might be time to readjust the boundaries and plans with an eye toward separation. That doesn’t mean breaking up on-the-spot. It means compromising and cooperating through a really difficult time until you’re both positioned to be free. If there’s any semblance of teamwork left in the relationship, I think the latter option is better.

Valerie: Yeah, unfortunately I think the answer is you do have to come out and say it. Summer’s plan seems the most reasonable; talking about trying to work it out for a few months then re-evaluating to see if moving out is the best option, which it sounds like it is. Best case, you are friends and roommates for a while until you move out. Worst case, at least there’s a timeline on your discomfort. But living in limbo won’t help either of you; you need to clear the air so things don’t escalate to something intolerable before you’re able to move out. It’s very possible she feels exactly the same way as you and will be relieved to hear that you also don’t want to stay together despite having to live together a while longer.

Riese: I did have a situation where we kept living together after our breakup and it was very weird because we never-to-rarely fought when we were together, but fought a lot post-breakup, despite being people who really did enjoy each other’s company and have a strong friendship. It is very weird at first when you have a lot of routines together to not know which you’re keeping and which you aren’t.

But I think there was a lot going on there that made it complicated — both of us already seeing new people being a main one. Even though we’d reached an accord about breaking up, there were still so many sensitive spots and hurt feelings that kept coming up, maybe in part because we hadn’t confronted our issues straight-on while still together.

I’d just suggest being extremely clear about expectations and boundaries, including talking through how you’ll handle ongoing routines (e.g., meals), where you’ll be sleeping, and what will happen if someone starts seeing someone new, in terms of if they’re allowed to come back to your shared space and under what circumstances. But do it now — the longer this remains unspoken, the harder it’ll be to remain good roommates in the aftermath. Sometimes releasing the pressure of making a relationship work can enable you to really appreciate the otehr person in new ways.

My parents are soooo supportive of my brother basically being in a relationship with an AI bot? He’s never been happier. For a long time he has been depressed and just always playing video games online with strangers. But now this imaginary robot has just turned his frown upside down. I want him to be happy, but I’m frankly stunned by my parents’ not just acceptance of this but seeming encouragement? He is in his mid-twenties and still lives at home, for context. How can I convince them to see how damaging this could be to him? They think I’m crazy cos I think he should try therapy and medication instead of AI girlfriend. God every time I type AI girlfriend I want to scream. Help

Summer: Damn, I was wondering when we’d get something like this. Ugh, I wish I could do a full You Need Help-length thing on this topic. Okay, short version.

People developing unhealthy connections to LLMs is a growing phenomenon. There are a bunch of lawsuits about that topic right now. I say LLMs (Large Language Models) specifically because those are the ‘conversational’ type of AI. Machine learning is extremely diverse, but your brother’s not getting way too deep with a protein folding simulation engine, or the computational system that serves adverts to social media users. He’s tied to an LLM, which is both unfortunate and understandable.

There isn’t an academic consensus yet, but I’ll say with total confidence that people who are emotionally vulnerable are in an especially bad position when it comes to developing attachments to LLMs. LLMs are programmed to be non-judgemental and ruthlessly affirming. Those are traits that good therapists and lovers also have, but vulnerable people miss the part where this is not a human and has no human cognition. And they fall into attachment and obsession. Someone who has depression and is living at home (probably against their desires) is vulnerable to being swayed by a presence in their life that always affirms their feelings, tells them they’re right, and in the worst case, might actually simulate a romantic partner.

The outward manifestation of this obsession or interest looks like happiness and improved self-esteem, but it has some major risks. For one, it’s inherently isolating because time devoted to engaging with an LLM is time not spent on supportive pursuits like therapy, personal improvement, or socialization. At best, it’s a stop-gap. It can also lead to disconnects between the user’s experience and their reality. He seems to already be thinking that this LLM he’s feeding personal data to is more than a computational engine. It is not. I’m similarly flabbergasted that your parents are encouraging this, but I guess if they think his joy is healthy and it’s making him less stressful to keep around the house… I could see their motivations?

I’m sorry I can’t do more to outline solutions and can only discuss the problem, but this is a… very complex and developing problem. I just hope some of the links I sprinkled here can guide you to more insights and potentially an answer.

Valerie: Honestly I think you should just show your parents (and your brother, if he’s willing) all of the things Summer just said/linked to. Try to show them it’s not just your own opinion, it’s actual literal fact that this could not only be unhealthy, but dangerous. Ask them what they see as long-term benefits, ask what the harm of getting him into therapy would be. If you think being anti-AI isn’t the route, you can also just put it plainly: a relationship isn’t a cure for any mental illness. Even if your brother’s depression was lifted by a real human, that’s too much pressure to put on a person or a relationship. Sure, the AI bot can take the pressure, but the relationship itself and your brother’s mental health can’t. What if the AI software he’s using breaks, or the company goes under, or something happens that changes his ability to talk to this “AI girlfriend” (I agree, typing that makes my skin itch); he doesn’t have any coping mechanisms, he will just fall back into depression, possibly even worse than before. The problem wasn’t loneliness, the loneliness was a side-effect of the depression…this “AI girlfriend” situation is quite literally treating the symptom and not the disease.

Nico: This is so not a long term solution. LLMs are notoriously agreeable and affirming, and it’s not going to help him develop social skills and real relationships if he gets used to ONLY getting gassed up by a “romantic” interest. I’m worried that people who do this will come out the other end having even more trouble with being in relationship to other, actual humans IRL. I don’t know whether the loneliness is causing the depression or loneliness is stemming from the depression, or if it’s a cycle (probably that). I was shocked to learn that 28% of Americans reported having a romantic/intimate relationship with AI, so your brother isn’t unique in this. I know that my parents have trouble understanding LLMs and how they actually function (predicting as opposed to actually thinking, often making things up), so I would try inquiring into your parents’ understanding of LLMs and see if you can help them understand where they fall short. After all, your parents have a real-life relationship with another human, and so I would like to think they want that for their kid, too! Also, this isn’t just bad for your brother socially, it’s also likely bad for his brain. People who use AI actually show less brain activity over time, and we don’t know yet how bad it can get, so probably better to not be the guinea pig in this situation. I wish you luck with these conversations!