I Don’t Want My Friend To Talk About Their Partner

My very close friend is dating someone I straight up *hate*, which is not a word I use lightly here. I have extremely good reasons for my hatred that my friend knows about. We’re long distance friends, so I don’t have to see the partner; but I still hate seeing her on social media or hearing about her on the phone! Should I tell my friend to not talk to me about her partner, even if I think that would make my friend sad? How?

Em: I really think this all hinges on the reasons why you hate her. If it’s because her values really don’t align with yours (or your friend’s), i.e. she’s homophobic or something, then that’s a serious red flag, not only for your friend’s partner but for your friendship. Similarly, if this partner is actively hurting your friend, that’s a huge issue as well. In that case, you would need to tread lightly. You don’t want to push your friend away and further isolate her from you in a potentially toxic relationship. If none of these are the case, and she just bothers you for many smaller reasons, I still don’t think asking your friend to not talk about her partner is the way forward. If she really is your friend and this partner is a big part of their life, then I would get curious as to what this says about your friendships. Does she hear you out when you share your feelings about the partner to her? Does she see any issues in the relationship? Have you even broached the subject with her? I think getting answers to these questions would help you have a better idea of how to move forward.

Summer: I crave more detail about why you hate your friend’s partner so much, because that’s the only way I could make an effective ethical evaluation of whether anger is the right path for you. As it stands, hate is always harmful to you. Especially if you’re not used to harboring it. I think the least you can do for yourself is block the partner’s social media accounts and connections, which should also remove any posts they’re tagged in from your view. After that, I think you’re allowed to tell your friend to not discuss your partner with you. Especially if the friendship is over a distance, so they don’t lease anything ‘IRL’ from your lack of engagement. No matter your reasons, you are allowed to protect your mental health and disconnect from people who make you feel this way.

For how to talk to your friend about it… I think it’s only answerable for the person who knows the context of the hatred. Normally I’m all about honesty and openness, but I suspect total honesty might not go well with your friend here. You may have to maneuver around the topic by citing mental well-being or personal reasons. Your friend may press you for details, too. Tough situation.

Valerie: First I want to say I do understand this frustration. Slightly different circumstances, but I have a friend who is friends with an ex I didn’t even like when they were dating, and whenever she mentions their name to me, I literally hiss. (I approached this differently when they were dating, for the record, though I still made the fact that I didn’t like how they treated my friend very clear; but there’s no need for them to be friends now so I reserve the right to be a little petty.) For this situation, I agree with Em and Summer that it does kind of depend on why you hate her. If there are problematic things about her (like abuse or racism etc) I think it’s worth talking to your friend about and telling her that mentioning her partner reminds you of those problematic things and it’s upsetting to you. If it’s for more personal reasons, unfortunately you might just have to play nice. Try to redirect the conversation when you can, etc. Because even if you did ask her to stop talking about her partner (which would most likely just result in her talking to you less), it’s not like you can ask her to stop posting about her on social media or stop your other mutual friends from mentioning the partner. So you kind of have to just…suck it up. I recommend finding a friend who is totally separate from that friend group (aka has never and almost definitely will never meet that friend or her partner) that you can complain to about the partner when you need to blow off steam about it, but otherwise just try to shift your perspective. Focus on how happy she makes your friend when she comes up in conversation, and when your friend isn’t actively talking about her, try not to think about her at all to try to stop feeding the flames of that hatred. Otherwise you’ll lose your friend to the fire of it.

Nico: Much like others have said, if you think this person could be harming your friend, then your priority should probably be making sure she knows she can always come to you if she needs help. Even if your concern is that this person has harmed others, that’s still reason to be concerned about your friend’s wellbeing. In this case, you may choose to still monitor on social media. However, if you’re not worried about your friend’s safety, I think it’s okay to go ahead and use the “hide” or “silence” features on the partner. That way, the partner won’t realize she’s blocked, but you never have to see her. Then, you only have to deal with it when your friend brings her up. Here, I don’t think it’s really fair to ask someone to not talk about their partner, but you can try gently redirecting the conversation as soon as possible so you don’t have to talk about the partner too, too much. You say your friend knows about the concerns, also, but does she know everything? I’m struggling with understanding what the “extremely good reasons” are that your friend knows about because she decided to date this person, anyway. Depending on what’s going on here, that could also say something about the level of trust you should have for your friend — but like everyone else here, I can’t make an ethical judgment while knowing so little!

If I have written and want to publish a story that is in part based on my real life– but is still decidedly fiction– do I have to tell the people in my life who appear in it? Do I have to let them read it and give their approval? Is it different if it becomes more like a memoiry-essay thing? Asking for the sake of not letting a few people know too much about me…

Summer: If you’re in the USA, the disclaimer that the events and persons depicted in your work are fictional can take you quite far. Even so, there is nothing that can stop a lawsuit from being filed. It’d be pretty absurd for there to be a legal gotcha that makes anyone immune to civil action. Much of it will come down to whether your work is definitely fiction with clear inspiration, or a memoir. Those are different kinds of writing that will be held to different standards by readers (and potential lawyers). Memoirs have an implied attachment to lived experiences and actual events. Fiction (no matter how heavily ‘inspired’ by reality) is still fictitious. Framing a work as a memoir is a declaration that there is some truth to it, or you discredit yourself. Which opens up a few more legal avenues for others to take action since you are confidently implying that there’s truth to the work. A fictional work (that is mostly detached from your real experiences) makes no claim about reality and the burden of proof falls to the opposition to establish a firm connection between your work and reality.

The fact that ‘people in your life’ will appear in it already makes things dicey. Are you sure you can’t alter their names, personas, and life experiences to not have them appear? Then you wouldn’t even need to consult them for permission because the person in your work is not them. If your work is fiction, you have free reign to alter people’s identities and backgrounds to the point where they have no legal or moral standing against you.

Riese: I don’t know what the rules are for memoir. What I know is that when I was writing a novel based on real people and real events, my intention was to run it by everybody who was in it except for one person, who for reasons clear in the novel, I wouldn’t be doing that. And I really enjoyed the conversations I had with those people when we did talk about the book, it was really helpful.

Honestly, I don’t want anybody to feel bad about the way a fictional character based on them behaves in a story — and I want them to feel like there’s enough distance between them and the character for them to be able to tell people, believably, that they didn’t actually do this or that thing the character does (even if they did! because people can change, etc), for enough of it to be fictionalized that they could have some distance. 

What I was told by my agent and the editor who was initially interested in publishing was that if it was easy to recognize or identify someone in the novel who was represented in an unflattering light, that’s where you could get into legal trouble. That said —if all the unflattering information is true, then you’re in the clear. So if there’s anyone in the novel who could be easily identified by a reader, make sure any objectively bad stuff they do is true.

Sa’iyda: This sounds messy af. You can certainly write about your personal experiences, but change as many specific details as possible, including names, ages, locations, etc. Draw heavily from your life experience, but not so closely that someone reading will know it’s your exact experience.

I’m trying to picture how you would even have a conversation with a person who would feature heavily in your story about such a thing. What if they say no? Then you’d have to change your story. In my mind, it’s better to do that from the outset and not have to ask permission or give a head’s up. This way, you can take liberties without someone having feelings about it. (and you won’t get sued!) The biggest thing to remember is that whatever you write is your perception of events.

Kayla: When I’m writing autofiction, I don’t really run it by the people featured, mainly because I obscure them or amalgamate them in some way and let real life inspire the work but not completely dictate it. When writing memoir/essays, the best rule of thumb is to show the people you’ve featured if you still have a relationship with them (and want to have a relationship with them). This is more as a courtesy gesture and less for their “approval” or notes, though it can lead to some meaningful conversations about perspective and authenticity.

Nico: I’m curious about what you mean by “decidedly fiction.” Did you create composite characters, compose new plots that differ from your exact experiences, take inspiration from events or problems or the emotional truth of situations while changing many details — or did you map real-life experiences almost verbatim onto the fictional story? In autofiction, someone might be able to catch glimmers of themselves in the work, but no one should really be able to say “that is exactly me” if they should read your novel, or they shouldn’t be able to if you’re concerned about any repercussions from them whether those are social or legal. You’re in charge of your actions and the level of any risk you decide to take, but I want to make the line between autofiction (fiction inspired by your life) and memoir (nonfiction depicting parts of your life, often surrounding a particular theme or series of events).

If there’s any fiction in it, it can’t be a memoir without editing and making it purely nonfiction. Memoir allows space for feelings, for memory, for subjectivity, for creativity — but not for making stuff up. That said, if you do go the memoir route, it is considered polite to show the people in your life who feature in the memoir the passages where they appear. No one can forbid you from writing about them (unless you’re making stuff up that is going to be damaging to their image or career or life, an act which is called libel), but it is helpful to get feedback from people and to hear them out about their experiences. Sometimes someone remembers something you don’t, or maybe someone you care about is offended by the inclusion of a detail they consider private, and it’s no skin off your back to just take it out so they’re more comfortable. There are a lot of possibilities when you open your work up to beta readers who are in the work, but if you’re writing memoir, so hopefully you’ve made your peace with being vulnerable already.

So, there is no “have to,” but there are plenty of considerations to make. Good luck!