Pick A Take, Any Take

Everyone’s talking about this thing — and now here’s our take(s). We didn’t want to limit ourselves to one, necessarily. Just keep looking until you find the one you like! You’re welcome.

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This Thing is Good

There’s a lot of controversy about this thing, but here’s the truth: it’s a good thing. The positive things about it outweigh the negative things — if there even are negative things, because most of the people who are talking about negative things are wrong, and also dumb. It can seem confusing, but if you look at the issue from this angle — up here, high, high above all of you — it’s easy to see that this thing is good, and will make us all happy if you just let it.

This Thing is Bad

There’s a lot of controversy about this thing, but here’s the truth: it’s a bad thing. The negative things about it outweigh the positive things — if there even are positive things, because most of the people who are talking about positive things are wrong, and also dumb. It can seem confusing, but if you look at the issue from this angle — up here, high, high above all of you — it’s easy to see that this thing is bad, and will ruin us all if we don’t stop it.

This Thing Is Good But Not For the Reason You Think it Is

What you’ve heard is true — this thing is super good. Great, even. But basically everything else you know, about this and the rest of the world, is wrong. This awesome thing is awesome for reasons that you hadn’t even considered, for reasons that you probably couldn’t possibly have understood, you sweet fool. Don’t worry, I will patiently explain where you and everyone else has gone wrong point by point. By the time I’m done, you will still be misinformed on virtually every other issue, but maybe you’ll be able to talk about this one intelligently.

This Thing is Bad But Not For The Reason You Think It Is

What you’ve heard is true — this thing is super terrible. Just awful. But basically everything else you know, about this and the rest of the world, is wrong. This terrible thing is terrible for reasons that you hadn’t even considered, for reasons that you probably couldn’t possibly have understood, you sweet fool. Don’t worry, I will patiently explain where you and everyone else has gone wrong point by point. By the time I’m done, you will still be misinformed on virtually every other issue, but maybe you’ll finally understand the real reason why this specific thing spells our doom.

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This Thing Is Way Worse Than You Thought

I mean, Christ on a cracker, this thing is horrific. You knew this thing was bad, but honestly you don’t know the half of it. Did you even know about this aspect of it? Or this other one? You definitely haven’t considered what this thing will mean in regard to this totally other thing, which you had always thought of as unrelated but is actually inextricable from this current godawful situation, the thing this article is about. You probably aren’t even aware of how deeply offensive it is on this level, which had just not even crossed your mind. Anything you read that doesn’t talk about all this stuff or doesn’t think this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to any of us is basically trying to just trying to convince you that at least you won’t have to budget for AC in hell.

This Thing Is Even Better Than You Thought

It’s true that the positive aspects of this thing have been mined so heavily that you thought this particular vein might finally have been depleted, but you are wrong. There’s still one particular way in which this thing totally rules, and you’re going to flip the fuck out when I tell you about it. It’s literally unbelievable how great this thing is. LITERALLY.

Everything You Think About This Thing Is Incorrect

What are we we even going to do with you. Dear Lord, you are just wrong about this from top to bottom, as is everyone else. From the tiniest logistical detail to the biggest thematic takeaway of this situation, you are just totally off the mark. Every human except myself, and possibly a few commenters on this article if they prove their merit, is wrong about this on a cellular level. I’d be mad if I didn’t feel so bad for you. You poor, slobbering idiot.

This Thing Doesn’t Matter, Actually

Oh, are you all still talking about that thing? It’s just — the thing is that that thing doesn’t matter at all, really. When you think about it. In the grand scheme of things. Or even the small scheme of things. I get why everyone else thinks it matters, though. It’s fine! Go on, don’t mind me. No really, it’s cute, never change.

What You Should Be Caring About More Than This Thing

You’ve been sharing and tweeting about this thing all week. Of course you have, because you’re just like all the other sheeple: you don’t get that what actually matters is this other thing, over here. You hadn’t even heard about this thing before reading this article, had you? No, of course not. You were too busy talking to everyone you know about how problematic this is when in reality you don’t know the first thing about what’s problematic. The worst part is you’ll probably go on not caring about it, because you’re part of the problem. The problem that is more important than and mutually exclusive to the thing you thought was the problem.

This Thing Is Actually Unexpectedly Exactly Like This Other Thing

You might think you’re pretty well informed on the thing — you know, the thing everyone’s talking about — but have you thought about how many eerie parallels it has with this other, mostly unrelated thing? You can see it, right? These two things have their dissimilarities — they have totally different purposes and contexts, different historical and cultural underpinnings, and may have happened in wildly different locations in space and time — but when you mull it over, there’s a lot we can learn by looking at the overlap between these two things, and ignoring their differences as much as possible.

What People Who Disagree With Me About This Thing Don’t Understand

Plenty of very smart, educated people have shared their thoughts on this thing — thoughts that are, unfortunately, wrong, despite their authors’ intellectual prowess. What my opponents don’t understand is this specific context that only I am positioned to truly grasp, although if someone else just took ten seconds and really thought about it, they would also be able to see that I am obviously correct. So maybe try doing that. I trust we can now move forward on this issue with a greater understanding of the way in which I understand it better than other people.

Rachel is Autostraddle's Managing Editor and the editor who presides over news & politics coverage. Originally from Boston, MA, Rachel now lives in the Midwest. Topics dear to her heart include bisexuality, The X-Files and tacos. Her favorite Ciara video is probably "Ride," but if you're only going to watch one, she recommends "Like A Boy." You can follow her on twitter and instagram.

Rachel has written 1130 articles for us.

28 Comments

  1. this is wonderful, bookmarking for every future interaction i will ever have.

    also rachel i bought cetaphil and it is the bee’s knees

    i know i should go to the other thing that’s actually about cetaphil and tell you there but i’m too drunk to drive so I probs should not be operating the internet.

    basically you are the damn best, so thank you!

  2. Brilliant – “This thing is way worse than you thought” pretty much sums up my mother’s approach to advice to me when I was a teenager. Actually when I was a young adult too. Come to think of it, this is still her go to introduction to advice giving.

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