NSFW Lesbosexy Sunday Is Living Apart Together

Feature image of La Muxer Diosa and Zoie Blackheart in Crash Pad Series episode 281. All of the photographs in this NSFW Sunday are from the Crash Pad. The inclusion of a visual here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If you’re a photographer or model and think your work would be a good fit for NSFW Sunday, please email carolyn at autostraddle dot com.

Welcome to NSFW Sunday!

Blair and Megan Reeves

Blair and Megan Reeves in Crash Pad Series episode 279

Dating apps share your data. Take steps to protect it like not giving out your last name, not giving out your real number until after you meet someone in real life, not using your real email or phone number when you sign up, using your real birth year but a fake month and day when you sign up, not connecting your social media accounts and more:

“As far as personal info, both O’Reilly and Spira recommended using as little personal and identifiable information on your profile as possible: Don’t list your hometown, where you went to school, or the name of your employer. And consider speaking in the future tense when navigating icebreakers and other small-talk. Talk about how you want to go to the Amalfi coast one day, rather than wax poetic about last year’s highly Instagrammed trip to Mexico City.

“It’s like peeling an onion one layer at a time because you are communicating with somebody that you don’t know, and you shouldn’t feel comfortable revealing your entire life,” Spira explained. “This isn’t like a history lesson or writing a novel. And so, it’s about being flirty and mysterious up to a point, but you still need to be able to connect.””

Emma Claire and Lilian Rose doing a spanking scene with a paddle that reads "brat"

Emma Claire and Lilian Rose in Crash Pad Series episode 283

Tinder has a whole host of notorious men who do things like delete their accounts once a week so more people can see them posing in the exact same way against the exact same counter in different shirts. Have you seen anyone do this on queer Tinder/Lex/HER/etc.? In Los Angeles I’ve run across this one blonde with glasses pictured with a different high femme ex five times and a few unicorn hunters (I think – they all blend together, honestly) – is this a thing in your city?

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Cinnamon Maxxine and Kissy Burgundy

Cinnamon Maxxine and Kissy Burgundy in Crash Pad Series episode 288

People in relationships living apart together can find it hard to fit into socialized narratives of “togetherness” but are instead to live their own truths, whether that means privacy or boundaries or alone time or not having to compromise on domestic preferences:

“”The notion of people who are a couple, and supposedly a committed couple, not wanting to live together, that is hard to fit into the kinds of ways we’ve been socialized to think about togetherness,” says DePaulo. It’s her theory about why I found so many articles questioning the validity of living apart together, even though so many people are out here doing it successfully—whether you’re dividing a house, occupying separate units altogether, or living apart only temporarily, to ease the transition to someday fully living together.

But how many more couples might be ideally suited to these arrangements and are simply unable to explore them because housing costs are too high, or because it’s too hard to find available adjacent apartments and to get applications accepted at the same time?”

Plus, then you don’t have to figure out how to move out as fast as possible if you break up.

Bambi Belle and Denali Winter

Bambi Belle and Denali Winter in Crash Pad Series episode 280

Sex parties can be great for beginners (just make sure you find the right party, follow the dress code, think about your boundaries in advance, and follow the rules):

“Super-elaborate sex parties do exist—as do super chill, casual ones. Sex parties (often referred to as “play parties” in BDSM circles) vary widely, but is generally understood to mean a private or semi-public event where guests are allowed to engage in sexual activity with one another, often in full view of other guests. The idea of going to any kind of sex party might seem intense to newcomers, they’re often perfect places for the shy-but-curious to expand their sexual horizons. Parties can help you to meet like-minded people who are into the kinks and fetishes you are and who may be willing to explore them with you—or who can make you feel less skittish about sex more generally, since everyone’s there for similar (horny) reasons. It’s a misconception that all attendees are required to have sex; plenty people go as voyeurs, or out of curiosity, or show up fully intending to get it on only to change their minds when they show up. Parties are also especially great for anxious people because at any one worth attending, consent is paramount—and often mandatory.”

La Muxer Diosa and Zoie Blackheart

La Muxer Diosa and Zoie Blackheart in Crash Pad Series episode 281

Going through a break-up? Here’s how to stop checking your ex’s social media. Do you have a break-up shirt? Also, consider: deleting all your social media entirely and not looking back:

“I humbly suggest an alternative to soft blocks, subtweets and unfollowing Finstas: Deactivate your social media accounts post-breakup, have a trusted friend change the passwords, and avoid looking back for as long as you can stand it.
As a move, it’s sweeping, it’s mysterious, it’s drastic, it’s everything necessary to feed the post-breakup id. And best of all, it leaves behind zero lingering evidence for your followers to gawk at after the dust clears and you return to Earth (and regularly scheduled internet programming).”

Carolyn Yates was the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for Autostraddle.com, with bylines in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, Xtra!, Jezebel, and elsewhere. They live in Los Angeles and also on twitter and instagram.

Carolyn has written 1054 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. I’ve matched up with one queer gal 3 times on two different apps. Each time it was the same pose in different locations & different outfits. The first two times I messaged her & never got a reply, by the third match I didn’t try.

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