Listicle Without Commentary: Puzzling References to Homosexuality From Journals Found in My Room While Packing to Move to San Francisco

[in no particular order]

1. “I just wish [my boyfriend] would be more interested in the side of me that kisses girls.”

2. “A boy in my Earth Science class asked me why I had a “gay pin” on my backpack. It was an AIDS awareness pin. GOD.”

3. “I WANT SHANE FROM THE L WORD. My life is segmented insanity.”

4. “Basically I’d already imagined & planned our entire relationship before I realized she’d just called to see if I could work for Darci tonight.”

5. “I miss girls. I would never betray [my boyfriend] but I don’t think he understands the complexities of my sexuality.”

6. ” I like girls who don’t spend too much money on shoes.”

7. “Well, the impossible is about to take place. I am going to meet Kate Moennig, aka Shane.”

8.  “I feel so close with my friends here this year, it’s like they are sisters. I’m not so surprised that so many girls here fuck around—we’re all so damn close!”

9. “I hate not being on the [Rosie Cruise] anymore. Everything here is dirty and hetero. I don’t know where to find more boyish women.”

10. “I was watching The L Word first season and thinking about how my heart is dead.”

11. “What I want isn’t about man/woman, it’s about needing a break from my constant need to be in total control of absolutely everything.”

12. “I am in Vermont at Rosie O’Donnell’s chateau with two crazy lesbian couples.”

13. “I need a girlfriend super bad. Drinking is boring.”

14. “What I want is a girl to be my friend. With benefits.”

15. “We want sexuality to be biological because then it’s more about instincts and nature pulling people together. Choice isn’t very romantic. Love is about surrender — the absence of choice — the irresistible pull of another body. We don’t have faith in the rest of it because we doubt the permanence of anything we are capable of changing with our minds.”

16. “I just had a drink at the airport bar. Women tear me up. I need, I think, 10 more drinks!”

17.

a. “I know I’m not a lesbian but I’m pretty sure I’m bi.” (’98)

b. “It made me realize I just might be 100% hetero after all.” (’04)

c.. “I want a girlfriend. What’s wrong with me? I don’t know if I’m bi or not.” (’05)

d. “Waves came over me, I wanted to cry, I wanted it to be over. I wanted it to be a woman.” (’06)

e. “I didn’t know if I felt that way towards him because I’m 100% gay or because now I’ve been fucked up and I can’t go back.” (’06)

f. “I think it’s the queer world I identify with the most.” (’07)

g. “I am a girlfriend to a girl, I am changed. And on fire.” (’07)

18. “It’s New Year’s Eve. I still like Shane.”

[“listicle without commentary” title stolen from the awl]

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2843 articles for us.

58 Comments

  1. I just read this:

    “We want sexuality to be biological because then it’s more about instincts and nature pulling people together. Choice isn’t very romantic. Love is about surrender — the absence of choice — the irresistible pull of another body. We don’t have faith in the rest of it because we doubt the permanence of anything we are capable of changing with our minds.”

    …and cried a little. For real. I’m constantly getting mad at my friends who either a) tell me that being gay is a choice or b) telling me that sexuality is fluid, and I can never really pinpoint why. THIS is why. THIS is why I pretty much ruminated over one day confronting Cynthia Nixon when she said that sexuality is a choice.
    I will spend the rest of my life trying to convince my parents that I’m not “choosing” to be a “sinful deviant.” THESE FEELINGS are important.

    Gosh. Thank you.

  2. I can really relate to many of those entries. Trying to figure out your sexuality can be really hard for some and, to be honest, sometimes it’s all I ever think about. I have always been one of those people that want to know everything and not knowing such a huge part of yourself is extremely frustrating. And not knowing anyone in really life who has gone or is going through the same thing doesn’t make it any better. So I guess I will just suffer in silence for now.

Contribute to the conversation...

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!