Just Pivot To Video: More Internet Haikus

like a writing prompt
but for emotional rides
gmail search “how are”

confirm or deny
insta story commenting
is people flirting??

snapchat locations
hows that been for everyone
feels pretty safe right

given its whole deal
the miranda of websites
goes to webMD

carrie is twitter
samantha’s of course snapchat
charlotte is facebook

waiting for a quiz
like “which tardigrade are you?”
buzzfeed wya

there’s so much online
that we forgot new planets
in like seven hours

knowing what to tweet
a guide to modern dating
a book by no one

at a funeral
standing near the casket like
“me waiting for love”

around the graveside
people crying and going
“us just missing brunch”

sea levels rising
seeing it wreck beaches like
“me in my one piece”

during a breakup
them walking out and going
“me when dana died”

at exorcism
casting lukewarm water like
“your takes on Westworld”

getting arrested
being handcuffed and going
“me to twitter me”

at a murder trial
during closing statements like
“me about your favs”

you have to admit
shookus was not our best work
re: its potential

don’t respond to texts
just pivot to video
watch your life improve

even with practice
you don’t write profile bios
you settle on them

a dotbiz sighting
like a bald eagle in flight
rare and majestic

instagram stories
lessons of impermanence
and also of thirst

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Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.


  1. You really got me with that buzzfeed quiz request.
    Little aliens
    So cute yet terrifying
    Water bear don’t care

    • Those little water bears can survive a nuclear apocalypse, while I have an existential crisis every time my favorite grocery store changes its store layout. I can only aspire to be a tardigrade (of any variety).

  2. I learn more about the Internet from Erin’s haikus than I do from actually being on the Internet.

  3. Really not trying to start anything but please tell me you understood the tradition and history of haiku before you wrote this. People thinking a haiku is just 5, 7, 5 breaks my heart, especially considering how it was brought to the US.

  4. May I take this opportunity to show some appreciation for your continued haiku skills, Erin. These are not to be underestimated; I’ve spent all evening trying to train a neural network to write lesbian haiku and so far the best is:

    Witch to methined Cate
    fisting to like your bear L meake ba games.
    So care sheal insed

    There is some way to go before the machines take over.

  5. knowing what to tweet
    a guide to modern dating
    a book by no one


  6. I clicked the feature image thinking it was an actual video because it’s the end of the week and my higher order executive functioning is pretty much depleted. So I started out reading confused because I was couldn’t figure out why there was no video (alternately thinking “this seems far too profound given how many SATC references there are”) but I am not disappointed to have stumbled upon this. Kudos.

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