I Tried To Conduct an Interview with a Vampire and All I Got Was This Vague Sense of Impending Doom

A while ago we published an article called “How to Become a Deadly Misandrist Fairy Vampire” with no idea of just how extremely our lives were about to change. Imagine our surprise when we received a comment from a real live vampire, extolling the virtues of her vampire lifestyle and inviting us to join her. While her account sounded shockingly similar to the plot of the lesbian vampire remake of Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? I still found myself intrigued. According to this comment, we could expect to “live longer than expected, become famous and be able to fight all [our] enemies.” Sounds good to me! All we had to do was direct our inquiry to a Hotmail email address. It makes perfect sense to me that vampires still use Hotmail.

I fired off an email right away, asking the HVIC (Head Vampire In Charge) to please tell me everything. She wrote back almost instantly, and continued to do so promptly throughout our conversation. Each email was in bold red lettering, which I assume is a common with vampirism. What follows is an account of my journey into the top secret world of vampires. It is not for the faint of heart.

You are welcome to the HOME OF VAMPIRES, where dreams are turn to reality. DO you want to become a vampire ? Get back to me immediately if interested.

Regards

I began discussing the situation with my co-workers in Slack.

Rachel: DO YOU???
Stef: ok listen i think it would really improve my quality of life
where dreams are turn to reality
Molly: ohhhhhh my god can i skype in
Siobhan: whoa
Stef: i asked her for more information
being a non-vampire has not been working out for me lately tbh
Rachel: does she have any promotional materials, a brochure
Stef: i googled her and have found nothing
Rachel: a good sign i think honestly
if you don’t have a reflection you shouldn’t be on google either

I decided my time had come. I took a deep breath and hit REPLY.

“Can you send me more information? I’m curious.”

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF VAMPIRES

YOU ARE WELCOME TO THE HOME OF VAMPIRES. The number one rule is, never have a human with you when you do this. NO HUMAN must know what your doing. You want to become immortal, yes immortality is simply the absence of the aging process in a biological entity. In the world of the supernatural there are number of known immortal beings that don’t age, and live forever. These include special humans like vampires and mermaids. Vampires are in some level of higher dimensional lineage.

Attraction. Natural powers of seduction, mesmerizing, and passion that
give you an unfair advantage over your intended prey.

Feeding. The ability to psychically and astrally drain other people of
their life force and manipulate the energies of the Universe to your
will.

Psychic Powers. Heightened extrasensory perception that will give you
information about people, places, and situations the average person is
completely unaware of.

Magick. Enhance your abilities on the astral, physical, and spiritual
planes! Vampirism strengthens all kinds of magickal practices,
allowing you to easily draw on powerful energies for divination,
spells, rituals, and more.

Imagine becoming a being linked to the ancient mysteries of the moon,
the wisdom of the stars, and the power of pure life energy…

How Do You Become a Vampire?

This is the most commonly asked question we get – and for good reason!
The lure and glamour of the vampire is strong, and we cannot deny our
curiosity when it comes to the occult. If you crave any of the
abilities listed above, then you’ve come to the right place.

We assure you that if you properly agree with our terms and
conditions you shall not only be turned but also give you the power
beyond your imagination,you shall excel in your life and also give you
the will to live as long as you wish,you can never be intimidated
anymore,all you need do is just cooperate and comply with us.

Our vampires can endow you with the gift of vampirism temporarily or
permanently – and always customized to your wishes! Get back to me
with the following information’s immediately
1.SURN NAME…………………………………………………………………………….
2.OTHER NAME……………………………………………………………………………
3.GENDER…………………………………………………………………………………..
4.COUNTRY………………………………………………………………………………….
5.STATE………………………………………………………………………………………..
6.ADDRESS……………………………………………………………………………………
7.OCCUPATION………………………………………………………………………………
8.YOUR PICTURE……………………………………………………………………………..
9.PURPOSE……………………………………………………………………………………..
10.PERMANENT OR
TEMPORAL…………………………………………………………..
11.MOBILE NUMBER…………………………………………………………………………
12. DATE OF BIRTH……………………………………………………

YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY IN BECOMING A REAL VAMPIRE NOTE:DO NOT DISCUSS
THIS WITH ANYONE UNTIL YOU HAVE BECOME A FULL MEMBER.

Regards
JASMINE 

By now, I had a number of concerns. Why does she need my phone number? If I give her my home address, she still can’t come in unless she’s specifically invited, right? At what point do they ask for my Social Security number and bank account information? How am I supposed to paste my picture into a form? If I knew what my purpose was, would I really be emailing an alleged vampire with a Hotmail email address?

Stef: i already do the whole not going into places without being invited thing
i think i’d be a great vampire
Rachel: kind of a low bar but i’m into it! i see this lifestyle being a good fit for you!
Stef: i love counting stuff
hate sunlight
i mean do i want this to be temporary though? immortality sounds really tedious especially with global warming
like realistically how much longer is there even going to be an earth
and then what? vampires on mars?
Rachel: yeah how does immortality work out in an apocalypse scenario
Stef: before i give her my phone number i would really like this cleared up.
Rachel: you might have to hop on a call though
to clear it up
so

I decided to ask Jasmine for more information about the pros and cons of temporary vs permanent vampirism. Better safe than sorry!

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF VAMPIRES

Yes, TEMPORAL AND PERMANENT VAMPIRES OPERATES IN THE SAME REALM OF THE SPIRIT, THEY BOTH OPERATE IN THE SAME SPIRITUAL HIERARCHY. WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO BE A TEMPORAL VAMPIRE MEANING YOUR IMMORTALITY IS NOT FOREVER AND YOUR POWERS ARE NOT FOREVER BECAUSE IN TEMPORAL YOU WILL CHOOSE HOW LONG YOU INTEND OR WANT TO OPERATE AS A VAMPIRE AND WHEN IT GETS TO THAT TIME YOUR POWERS WILL DIMINISH BECAUSE IT IS A FREE WILL. WHILE PERMANENT VAMPIRE IS FOR ETERNITY , YOUR POWERS IS FOR ETERNITY, IT CAN NOT BE REVERSED AND YOU GET MORE CROWN IN SATANISM .

FILL THE FORM AND GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY IF YOU ARE READY .

Regards

JASMINE 

“If I try out a temporary period is it possible to become a permanent vampire later?”

YOU ARE WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF VAMPIRES
 
YES, IT IS POSSIBLE.
 
Regards
JASMINE 

I wonder if Jasmine begins all in-person conversations by welcoming her conversation partner to the world of vampires. At the moment, I’m holed up in bed recovering from foot surgery, and anxious to heal so I can get back to my mildly active lifestyle. I imagine that if I were to become a vampire, healing would be almost instantaneous. I sensed that my guide was growing weary of my incessant questions, but I’d really like to be sure of what I’m getting into before I commit to joining the ranks of the undead.

“What are the specific health benefits of being a vampire? Sorry for all the questions, I just need a lot of information.”

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF VAMPIRES

SICKNESS IS NOT IN THE WORLD OF VAMPIRES, ONCE YOU HAVE BECOME A VAMPIRE, YOU WILL BE ABOVE SICKNESS AND DISEASES. YOU WILL BECOME A SUPERNATURAL BEING SO NOTHING CAN CLAIM YOUR LIFE. SOUND HEALTH IS 100% GUARANTEE.  I think for now, you have to fill the form if you  are ready, you know more when yo are already a vampire.

Regards

JASMINE 

At this point, I directly asked Jasmine if we could take the pressure off of me for a minute, as I was really out for information more than anything else. I was looking to write about the process of becoming a vampire, but I wasn’t sure about jumping in headfirst. Her response shook me to my core.

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF VAMPIRES

I DO NOT THINK YOU SINCERELY WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE. FILL THE FORM AND GET BACK TO ME IF YOU ARE READY 

Jasmine had ceased to offer me her regards, and this made me nervous.

Rachel: stef are you gonna fill out the form though
Stef: now i’m scared!
Rachel: is this about like commitment issues, or
Stef: listen it just feels threatening, you know?
all i want is information, all she’s telling me is that she can’t tell me until i’m already a vampire
do you guys pay me enough to just BECOME a vampire and figure it out later?
although i must admit i am still intrigued
Rachel: have you considered doing it for the exposure
for your brand
Stef: i can’t pay my rent with being a vampire, rachel
…can i?
Rachel: i think the only limits are the ones you set for yourself stef
Stef: my therapist is working with me on this
i just feel like maybe i could commit to something small first, like packing healthy lunches
before i get more crown in satanism etc
Rachel: are you even a scorpio
Stef: fuck, call me out
i’m giving her your number

As of this moment, I am not currently a vampire. But who can say what the future holds?

Stef Schwartz is a founding member and the self-appointed Vapid Fluff Editor at Autostraddle.com. She currently resides in New York City, where she spends her days writing songs nobody will ever hear and her nights telling much more successful musicians what to do. Follow her on twitter and/or instagram.

Stef has written 446 articles for us.

40 Comments

    • Hello friends out there my name is Robert am a vampire i was born in Manchester, England. I am 55 years old i love being a vampire because i always get what i want i have initiate allot of friends and family member, young and old ,if you have interest and you want to be a vampire you are free i can turn you and you will be one of us. Fame, money, anything you want will defiantly be yours… contact us. vampireslords437@gmail.com today and be one of us
      Thanks

  1. I tried to like Tiara’s comment, and then everything went haywire on my screen.

    This is my third attempt at posting here.

    Stef…what have you unleashed???

    (Also woke up to a conversation about visiting Countess Bathory’s castle, so idk, but the future may be at stake here).

  2. Vampires on Mars sounds like the kind of book plot that seems awesome in the store, but once you actually get home and open that paperback (or, let’s be honest, self-published Kindle book) it’s actually much more of a disappointment than the plot suggests… which is saying a lot.

  3. Can someone please integrate this into a Skyrim mod? That would be glorious. Like, if you knock on this random door, and you hear a voice, “Welcome to the World of Vampires!” Then they slip a form under the door, you sign it, and come home to Breezehome, only to find lovely Njada serving a table full of fucking vampire mooches.

  4. Hello friends out there my name is Robert am a vampire i was born in Manchester, England. I am 55 years old i love being a vampire because i always get what i want i have initiate allot of friends and family member, young and old ,if you have interest and you want to be a vampire you are free i can turn you and you will be one of us. Fame, money, anything you want will defiantly be yours… contact us. vampireslords437@gmail.com today and be one of us
    Thanks

  5. i am a vampire and Yes we do exist and we feed too. I can say not all vampires are good because some vampires can kill because of the urge of blood but with time they can control this. We feed off blood from donors and before we do that we test for HIV/STDS. We are able to do cool stuff if we concentrate on the environments around us but not everything you see in the movies.
    I am born vampire and my mum is too, she helped me grow. And yes, i yes a normal human can be a vampire too which must vampires do not know of or do not want to tell You about. If you want more research on us contact me on my mail lisa_george009@yahoo.com i would not like to reveal all about us here because the society seem to have different ideas about us.

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