Q:
I am having a wedding soon, we are both women. I was raised in a very religious southern household and when I came out 7 years ago it wasn’t very popular with my parents. We basically had a don’t ask don’t tell situation going on, or when I would tell them details of my personal life they would not respond and change the subject. They met my fiance once for lunch which was a very big deal and my mom was very nice but my dad was standoffish and weird. When I told them I was proposing they said they “loved me unconditionally but” they would not be at the wedding. I slowly cut off contact as a result but still sent my mother an invitation and told her it made me sad I couldn’t talk about my wedding with her.
My siblings have now cut me off. My sister told me basically that I’m a bad person and have deeply hurt our mother and that our parents were planning on treating me the same as “before” where I couldn’t bring a partner home or talk about my life and were just not coming to the wedding. She and my brother both ignored my wedding invitations and are not coming and it has really hurt me. Am I in the wrong here? I feel like my parents not coming to my wedding and not allowing me to fully be myself for years is a solid reason for what I’m doing but now that I’ve lost my siblings I’m not so sure.
A:
You are so very not in the wrong here. I am so sorry you are going through this, and I am so sorry that your siblings have decided to prioritize their own comfort and your parents’ comfort over you. It is not fair. This is a very unfortunate situation with little room for a neat and tidy resolution, but I can tell you with assurance: You are definitely not in the wrong.
My wife grew up in a similar situation as you. She was raised Southern Baptist, and it did not go well when she came out. After periods of similar “compromises” like the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy you’ve described, she eventually chose to go no contact with her parents. You can read more about her decision (and the decisions of other queer people to do the same in this piece from a couple years ago). In addition to having to sever ties from her parents, she also does not have a relationship with her brother anymore. She did not invite her family to our wedding.
I toyed with the idea of tapping in my wife to answer your letter, as she can directly relate, but I thought it might also be helpful to hear from me as her supportive spouse, because I do think sometimes there’s a fear of being judged by others or misunderstood by partners who don’t have the same kind of familial baggage and parental situation. So I want you to know, I understand and do not judge your choices. I am sure your fiancée supports you, too, and wants what’s best for you. If you need to lean on her a little extra right now, definitely do so.
The “don’t ask don’t tell” policies are not tenable. They are not even a compromise really, because only one person (you) is having to make a sacrifice, and it’s a huge one to make. You’re basically being asked to suppress not just who you are but an entire side of your life; relationships take up a lot of our daily lives, and pretending one doesn’t exist or having these hard “boundaries” where you’re not allowed to bring your fiancée home is no way to live. It will wear you down.
It was a very nice gesture for you to invite your mother to the wedding, but I think the aftermath only reiterates that there is no real way to do limited or boundaried contact with your parents. Their behaviors suggest the only option is no contact—that doesn’t mean that has to be the only option forever. But they have not done anything to suggest that involving them in your wedding will do anything other than hurt you.
And now your siblings are hurting you, too, and I am really so sorry for that. I understand why you’re having regrets or second thoughts about cutting off your parents now that you’ve also lost them, but unfortunately, I again think this is just further proof that you are making the right decision. Loving you unconditionally but then setting specific conditions (that they will not come to the wedding, that you cannot talk about your wife or have her be a part of the family) makes your parents’ words hollow, and perhaps your siblings think they’re taking a neutral stance, but they clearly are not. If anyone should have regrets, it’s them. But I don’t know that they’ll get there in time for the wedding, and I think that’s something you’ll have to accept. But trust me when I say: You only want people at your wedding who really, truly want to be there and who really, truly believe in your love. You are allowed to be sad about their absence and the ways they are hurting you. But I hope you also realize how much you deserve love, support, and understanding. And if you can’t get it from your parents and siblings, I hope you have other people in your life who can provide it.
I hope your wedding day is beautiful and that everyone who is there wants to be there. It is a day to celebrate your love. And you should be free to be fully yourself—on your wedding day and beyond. You can feel sad about the whole situation, but I do not think you should have regrets or be hard on yourself. You’re doing a hard thing, but it is not your fault you’ve been put in this situation in the first place.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
