The last place I expected to apply my counselling training and psychological background was sexting. I wasn’t surprised. Holders of humanities degrees like to say that we use our knowledge daily, even if we’re not working in that field. Sexting turned out to be a bigger part of my work than anything I actually studied, but nothing I learned was useless. Knowledge is never useless; it just needs to be reshaped to fit the theme.

So I can say as a professional and casual sexter that your sexting game can be upped by applying a few therapeutic principles. In fact, I consider sex to be inherently teachable. It can be learned and practiced with intention — a view that makes it feel less uncontrollable and overwhelming. From the strange intersection of therapeutic training and sexting, I bring you the mindset I bring into all of my online dirty talk.

Be present

Like therapy, sexting is a reflection of everyone participating. It’s impossible to not bring any unspoken motivations and insecurities into the shared space. Emotional repression isn’t the answer. Instead, learning your partner’s needs and insecurities lets you work around them while making each sext safer for them.

What I’m saying is, try to leave your insecurities and worries at the door so you can be present for your partner. Someone who’s actively sexting you is interested, and has made space in their life for you. Everyone wins by having a space where the current topic is prioritized over whatever is outside.

For example, when I sext, I draw from the substantial content library I use as a sex worker. This has led to my partners feeling left behind because they can’t return the favor in the same volume or perceived quality. In turn, this leads me to worry my content is pressuring them out of their comfort zone or that they feel overwhelmed. After a few prematurely ended sext sessions due to this, I’ve now made it a rule to affirm to my sexting partners that there is zero expectation to ‘keep up’ with what I send. Likewise, I’ve learned to leave my fear of overwhelming my partners at the door to spare the mental energy for their actual needs.

Match their energy

All conversations have a tempo. The safest way to let a conversation proceed is to follow the other speaker’s tempo. People get comfortable when they feel their emotional commitment being well-matched. Too quick a pace can invite jitters and discomfort. Too slow and you risk someone getting bored. This kind of advice isn’t specific to ‘tops’, ‘bottoms’, or ‘leaders’ in the convo. Anyone can adjust their volume in the conversation to put someone else at ease.

Good sexters (and therapists) also present a secure base for their conversational partners. Our therapists shouldn’t be losing it when you are, and that knowledge makes us feel like we have someone to hold onto when things are uncertain. When sexting gets unpredictable due to the loss of face-to-face connection, you can revert to a stable base that makes it easier to clarify miscommunications for both of you. If you’re fully present with your partner as previously suggested, it’ll be intuitive to nudge the situation back to a comfortable place.

Be ready to step out of character

Therapy and sexting share a critical similarity: They’re emotionally intense when they go well and there are always risks.

Even when we’re not roleplaying, we’re still depicting a character during sex. We’ve chosen a mask that matches the vibe and put it on. That’s completely fine. The corollary to that is that we must be able to step out of the mask when it’s necessary. Sexting is intimate, but it lacks the emotional feedback we can get from seeing someone reacting in person. Text also has a way of numbing the tone out of everything. If things go awry or we miscommunicate, we should always be prepared to break character and talk things out with our partner.

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In therapeutic settings, the therapist should always be ready to step back when emotions run high enough to risk harm. They’ll bring their calm-yet-concerned expression, present a stable base of conversation, and gently ask if you need anything changed. Sidestepping a developing spiral to show someone an alternative is the first step to helping them find balance again. It works just as well in sexting with out-of-character checks on your partner (I sometimes use [[double brackets]] in sexting to denote outside talk).

I’m familiar with the fear of ‘disrupting’ sex with a check-in, but well-intentioned interruptions are far better than a miscommunication or accidental violation. Sometimes, the person your partner needs most isn’t the character, but a source of comfort.