How Should We Split Expenses For Her Friends’ Weddings?
Q
My girlfriend makes three times more money than I do, and she’s also very very very popular and invited to a lot of weddings. At first I always paid my share of the plane ticket and the hotel, she covers a car if we need a car, but I’m starting to feel like I can’t keep this up… plus sometimes having to take a day off work and everything. (I’m not on salary, so when I take off work, I don’t make any money.)
Sometimes it’s cool ‘cause we make a vacation of it, and of course we always have a great time. I like meeting her friends and partying and eating great food, who doesn’t? But when it’s a place like Chicago where I’ve been a million times… she would be paying for the hotel whether or not I was coming with her, so am I insane to not want to be pitching in on that too?
A:
Summer: Damn, dating a real socialite there. Well, I’m firmly of the belief that nobody in a relationship should be stretched beyond their means. Especially if the person being stretched is in the worse financial position. Especially if the spending is non-essential.
My direct answer is that you aren’t obligated to take part in expensive activities that are primarily aimed at her. You aren’t obligated to take part in expensive activities even if they’re aimed at you. If she wants you present and it’s out of your reach, she can cover a larger portion of your expenses or accept that not everyone can take trips at will. A relationship is not a fair place if people are stretched thin by someone in a better financial position.
Valerie: I think this is a case of just being honest with her. Saying, “I don’t think I can swing that, financially,” and like Summer said, if she really wants you there, she can pay your way, assuming you also can/want to get off from work. You could even just have a general conversation with her about this and tell her you can’t go to as many weddings as she’s invited to, and ask her to prioritize which ones she really wants you there for and which ones you can skip. Whether she prioritizes based on location (e.g. she really wants you there for the ones you can turn into vacations) or closeness of the people getting married is up to her, but it will help set expectations every time a new wedding invite comes in.
Nico: This is a really good thing to get out in the open sooner than later. In a relationship, there is usually someone who makes more money — it’s just the way things shake out. It’s highly unlikely a couple with two different jobs would earn the same amount, and talking about money is awkward but necessary. Especially because these are primarily her relationships, I think it’s totally fine to be up front with her that you love going to events with her and traveling with her, but that you can’t actually afford to go as many times as she is invited. If she wants you there, I think it’s reasonable that she would help pay.
Riese: I do think this is a relatively common and difficult to negotiate situation in relationships. I don’t think there are any blanket “rules” when it comes to this stuff. It’s just good to communicate about it out in the open as soon as possible, ’cause financial issues can generally be a number one stressor in the relationship. What you mentioned in your question is a great place to start — if she makes 3x what you do and doesn’t lose money from taking time off work and it’s something she’d be paying for whether you were there or not, it makes sense for her to cover those things herself entirely (e.g, hotel, car / lyfts). As for the rest of the expenses — she might be able to cover those too, or you might decide to split them 50/50, or to split them based on your income relative to each other. But also be sure when you talk about this to think about what would happen if it was your friend’s wedding. ‘Cause this isn’t just about you being an extra body in a hotel room that would cost money as well, it’s also about her making a lot more than you, and wanting the things you do together to have an equal financial impact on both of you, proportionately. I wouldn’t expect a partner making 3x less than me to cover the entire hotel for their friend’s wedding, either, you know? We would split it. But also! Some of this depends on how much money we’re talking about here. 3x what you make doesn’t necessarily mean she’s financially comfortable. You might both be struggling. But by no means should you ever feel obligated to attend a wedding with her that you can’t afford to attend.
is There Any Point In Telling Them How I Feel?
Q
There’s this person and I think I’m kind of in love with them. We had a very fun fling, but now we live very far away from each other and both lead very busy lives. For these and other reasons, a long distance relationship is not in the cards. It makes me really sad sometimes, especially because I don’t really know what their feelings for me are. Do you think I need to stop texting them to avoid the anguish? Should I tell them how I feel (they probably know)? I might be moving back to where they live someday?
A
Nico: I…don’t think you should, and if it causes you anguish as you say, it’s also probably better to lay off texting them a little bit. If a relationship were actually in the cards in the near future, I might say it would be fine to start talking about your feelings, but you’re really just torturing yourself here. What’s more, you’re limiting yourself when it comes to romantic possibilities where you are right now. Give yourself time to mourn and pine and such, but not too much, and then get back out there!
Em: See I don’t know, I kinda like the idea of telling them! I’ve always been someone to encourage people to share how they really feel, and unless it’s going to be extremely detrimental to you, them, or someone in both of your lives, I don’t see a huge issue with it. However, if you tell them you also need to have realistic expectations. If you’re long distance, there’s a chance this could go nowhere, or possible worse, it tries to go somewhere and it just can’t. Alternatively, maybe they don’t like you back in that way, and then you have your answer (which, for me, would be a relief). You won’t know unless you ask. If you feel like the not knowing is going to bother you more than the possible short-term and long-term consequences, then go for it. Sometimes it helps to ask yourself, “would be in 5 years wish I had brought this up?”
Summer: When I end casual things on good terms with someone, I sometimes text them years later to tell them I still remember them fondly. I find that it brings a smile to both our faces and usually brings out a nice catch-up chat. However, I’ve never done that with someone I was still very attracted to. The fact that you’re still in love and have hopes changes the context…
But look, I believe that love should be given freely. If you think the other person would be receptive to your attraction (even over this distance), I don’t see how it would be a total catastrophe. Just beware that opening up to them might complicate the friendship (since you still have hopes), or it could lead to a rejection. Be prepared for the risks.
Valerie: If you don’t have any intention of being in a long distance relationship, I would vote for not telling them. If you tell them that you love them and that you “might” be moving back to where they live someday, they might hold onto hope for that future relationship in a way that holds them back. If you have a concrete plan for when you’re moving back, and do want to try to start up a relationship then, OR if you’re willing to talk about how to make long distance work despite the factors you say make it not possible, that’s a conversation that could be productive, but until then, unfortunately, I think you just have to decide if you want to nurture those feelings on your own until you decide if you’re moving back (risky) or try to move past them (recommended). And if you can’t move past them while texting them, you might have to pull back. But if you think you can live with the heartache of it to keep them in your lives as they are, things don’t necessarily have to change.
Riese: I think tell them! I don’t know why I think that. But I do.
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Comments
Q1, does your partner fully understand that you make 3x less money etc? Have you talked about not being able to afford things, not just re: big trips, but meals at expensive restaurants or clothes etc? I have experienced and witnessed 2 versions of this scenario. In scenario 1, the lower-earning partner conceals/minimizes that she makes less money, out of fear that the higher-earning partner will dump her if they know she can’t afford the same lifestyle. Aside from being dishonest, this doesn’t give the higher earner a chance to honourably work with the salary difference.
In Scenario 2, the higher earner knows that her partner makes less, but she either cannot or refuses to consider her lower-earning partner’s needs because that means some kind of change to her lifestyle. This usually starts with guilt/resentment (“if you made more money we could eat at X restaurant”, “if I didn’t have to pay for your plane ticket I could have bought that designer bag”) and always ends in tears.
Income difference is something straight people have scripts for, but queer people do not, and higher earners in queer relationships often take advantage of the power difference, both consciously and unconsciously. Ask yourself: how would I view this situation from the outside if a straight man was in my partner’s position? How would a straight woman’s relatives respond to their daughter/sister reporting this dynamic? I know a gay man who told his sister she was being financially mistreated by her boyfriend even though this guy was financially mistreating his own boyfriend too. We are not trained to see it in ourselves.
Your partner needs to properly subsidize you or alter her lifestyle (first off, getting used to not bringing a plus one to all these weddings, but there’ll be other stuff down the line if you stay together.) If you’ve never ever had a conversation about this, and when you express your financial boundary in a non-resentful way, your partner appears to fully empathize, that’s great. If she’s defensive, or tries to guilt you, tread carefully. Some people who consciously believe they would behave honourably in a relationship with a lower earning partner are fooling themselves, and their partners, especially if they haven’t fully grasped what it means to either make lifestyle changes or subsidize their partner.