Though the sidewalk outside of my apartment — which is hotter than the surface of the sun right now — begs to differ, Labor Day marks the official end of summer, and the official end of Summer Teevee. Fall TV doesn’t start in earnest until September 21st, so it’ll be a bit lullish here in Boob(s On Your Tube) the next two weeks, but then! Then! Real deal primetime TV will be back, and I’ll be expanding this column to a twice weekly event because there’s going to be so much to talk about, there’s no way we can digest and dissect all of it only once a week. More details about the days you can expect New Boob(s) soon, along with Editor-in-Chief Riese’s annual Fall TV preview!
Mondays on ABC Family at 9:00 p.m.
Nothing queer to report on this week’s Chasing Life, except that Brenna’s new boyfriend, Finn, is like if Caleb Rivers from Pretty Little Liars was battling cancer by watching Gilmore Girls.
Tuesdays on MTV at 10:00 p.m.
Audrey survived the first season of Scream! Audrey is also (at least partially) the killer on the first season of Scream!
All signs point to Piper being the main killer, due to the fact that she confesses herself as Brandon James’ daughter and tries to axe-murder Emma and her mom in the process of monologuing about how it’s sexist to always assume the killer in horror films is a dude. Luckily for Emma and her mom, Audrey shows up in the nick of time and shoots the hell out of Piper and kills her dead. “That bitch talks too much,” is what she says as Piper is bleeding out.
Except for then, at the very end, Audrey opens up this secret compartment containing correspondence with Piper. Like maybe she even killed her own girlfriend at the beginning of the show. Who knows?
Well, the writers know. They told TVLine:
Toward the end, Piper was kind of someone that people were starting to suspect might have been the killer. Certain things were planted that hinted at it, [like] her father was murdered. We tried to let everyone have those moments of suspicion, and… we liked letting Audrey be the other half of that equation, because she felt like the very surprising element to us. Audrey is someone that I feel like the audience relates to and empathizes with, so letting her be the connective tissue between Season 1 and Season 2 is a great way to let the audience get pulled back in. They want to believe in her. They want to believe that she’s good, but there’s also a part of them that wants to think she got some justice, too. That’s an element that’s going to pull people back in a strong way.
I would call her a wild card of Season 2. The depth of her involvement isn’t yet revealed — just a connection to Piper. Like I said, not knowing if she ever donned the mask and actually killed someone is a big part of what’s going to keep people truly intrigued. And the fact that… her friends don’t know. You imagine the moment when Noah finds out that Audrey was a part of this, and you’re like, “That’s a hell of a TV moment that I can’t wait to see.”
Thursdays on ABC at 10:00 p.m.
Gail closed out this season of Rookie Blue by hooking up with her work arch-nemesis, Frankie, after bumping into her at a wedding reception for two of their friends. It all happened off-screen, but the 37-second lead-up was super cute and I hope to see more of these two in the coming (half?) season.
I Am Cait
Sundays on E! at 8:00 p.m.
On the penultimate episode of I Am Cait, Caitlyn Jenner gets ready for and delivers her moving ESPY’s speech. She and Candis Cayne visit Chandi Moore at hospital where she runs a program for trans kids; the kids talk to Caitlyn about their struggles with changing their names, their physical transitions, and being harassed when their IDs don’t match their real gender. Once again, it opens Caitlyn’s eyes to her privilege. Cait also has dinner with her family, and it’s much more chill and lovely than when they hung out in the season premiere. And Caitlyn renews her country club membership and grapples with whether or not to use her real name because the club is really conservative and she doesn’t know how people will react. But Candis brings the truth bombs in glorious fashion, like always: “It’s not about what they think; it’s about how you feel. They’ll get over it. Just sign your name as Caitlyn from now on and move on.”
Next week, Caitlyn and Kris are supposed to meet on-screen for the first time and the most Kardashian moment of the entire season. It’s the thing I’m least looking forward to.
Saturdays on Starz at 9:30 p.m.
Starz has already renewed Survivor’s Remorse for a third season! M-Chuck until 2016, at least!
This week’s episode focuses on Cam and M-Chuck’s mom, who decides to get a vagina rejuvination, but has to tell Cam about it because he’s the one footing the bills and he wants to know what he’s paying for. What could be a really one-note, frat-boyfest of vagina jokes turns into a really poignant commentary on how much control women really do/don’t have over their bodies, and how complicated it is to be a sexually active woman in the world without being slut-shamed. Cam’s mom ultimately tells him:
“When you were born, I was still a girl. I’ve hardly even been with anybody else since you were born, and motherfuckerer, that’s a long time. I’m not asking for your appreciation. I’m asking you for some understanding. Instead of making me feel like I’m some fuckinging beggar coming to you trying to explain my uncomfortable private fucking matters.”
Cam gets it. He promises never to ask about it again. But, look, M-Chuck had a few good moments too. When Cam first heard his mom was having a medical procedure, he thought for sure that she had cancer.
Cam: Non-Hodgkin’s is bad. People hit me up on Twitter every day for non-Hodgkin’s—it’s decimating people.
M-Chuck: We do a ton of cardio. Nobody’s getting cancer! If Mom had cancer, she wouldn’t be so vague. She’d be milking you for all you’re worth, you know that.
Tuesdays and Thursdays on YouTube
Laura and Carmilla smooched! Y’all, Laura and Carmilla smooched, hot and desperate for each other over a game of vampire checkers!
Okay, because everyone decides to tag-team to keep the giant ancient fish god from escaping while some soldiers try to kill her. Remember when Laura called Lophii “Loopiformes”? I wish they called her Loopi. But the Get Along Gang can’t do the plan until 3:00 am, so everyone breaks to take a nap and/or makeout with the loves of their lives. It’s late and they’re tired and their defenses are down, and so:
Laura: Like, were you really going to drink the fish god blood and potentially die?
Carmilla: Yeah, not that it matters to you so much on account of you can’t even stand to look at me anymore.
Laura: I only don’t look at you because when I do I can never look away from you!
Carmilla: So you don’t want me to die?
Laura: No, you asshole! The thought of a world without you makes me feel like my guts are being ripped out of my body!
Carmilla: Oh. We should definitely kiss, then.
Laura: Okay, but only a little.
They: [Kiss, and Carmilla pulls away]
Laura: Wait, no. A little more.
Carmilla: [is lovestruck even more than before]
Laura: Maybe after this is all over, we can talk.
Carmilla: [endless sighing]
Perry doesn’t go with the gang to protect Lophii. She stays behind to bake pie/do evil. Mattie finds her though and Perry gets REALLY close to her face and calls her “Rook” and blurts out a terrifying death prophecy, on account of PERRY IS POSSESSED BY THE DEAN. Tumblr, you knew it! You’ve been saying this for weeks!
As if that weren’t terrifying enough, Mattie gets busted at the end of the episode for murders she didn’t commit. Without her around, everyone’s gonna get dead so fast.
Team TV coverage you may have missed
+ GLAAD’s 2015 Network Responsibility Index Is Its Last, ‘Cause Counting The Gays Isn’t The Point Anymore
You really need to read this. It’s so good.
+ Faking It Episode 211 Recap: Stripped and Confused
Season 2B of “Faking It” is finally here, and everybody is still lying to everybody else.
I just realized Lost Girl came back last night in Canada for its final half-season. I’ll add it to Boob(s) starting next week!