Q:
My aunt wishes we were closer but I feel like we have nothing in common…other than the fact that we’re both gay. I know I am very lucky to have an openly sapphic family member. My friends are always in awe of this fact and the few times I do invite my aunt to hang out with us, they’re all like OMG WHY DON’T YOU INVITE YOUR AUNT OUT MORE OFTEN. And I feel bad, because she’s a good person but I just find her sometimes…a bit cringe. In theory our politics are the same but she’s just sooooo mainstream dem vibes. Even some of the ways she talks about queer community just feel so dated. She’s not a terf but she does sometimes have some limited ideas about gender and stuff so I’m always worried she’s going to say something to accidentally make one of my friends uncomfortable so I am just sorta on edge when she’s with us.
We live in the same city and I definitely notice her trying to spend more time with me and I feel myself sort of pulling away even though I don’t have a good reason to. There’s an added layer of the fact that she’s not particularly close with my mom, her sister. They don’t hate each other but they don’t super get along. I’m not close with my mom but I do wonder if she’d feel slighted a bit by me spending time with her sister when I don’t really make time to spend with her. My aunt doesn’t seem to have a ton of friends of her own and I do feel bad and like I’m being a shitty niece but idk even though we’re both gay I feel like we’re from completely different gay worlds. Am I being a piece of shit? How can I get over myself and connect better because in theory I do want that! I just don’t know how to really make it happen.
A:
Hey, so you’re not a piece of shit! But I do strongly believe you should spend some more time with your aunt!
In general, I’m a big believer in intergenerational friendships (even between family members) and in queer people from different generations spending time with each other. Even when there is awkwardness or difference! If she says something you feel is off or makes someone uncomfortable, you can push back on it, which I believe does not fracture a relationship so long as both people are open and understanding. If you’re willing to actually engage with the things your aunt says, it might lessen that on-edge feeling you’re feeling. Also, being around people who are kinda cringe is not a bad thing in my opinion! I think people have a tendency these days to want to optimize socializing to the point of never experiencing a little bit of friction, and I’m wary of that.
Your aunt could probably learn a lot from you and your friends. And for what it’s worth, you could probably learn a thing or two from her, too. If you’re looking for a starting place for connection, I’d suggest asking her to tell some stories from her past. I’m not sure how old she is or how long she has been out, but my guess is she has some tales to tell! Queer people who are from older generations than us usually do! I am willing to bet there are stories she has that other members of your family — your mom included — don’t know that she would be more willing to share with you due to your shared queerness.
For what it’s worth, it sounds like your friends like her! I get that they don’t have the same baggage of family that they do, but I’d have more reservations if they were also wanting to keep your aunt at a distance. I’m sure for some of them, it IS really cool to see two out gay family members interact.
You don’t have to become best friends with your aunt, but I do think opening yourself up to a deeper relationship with her could be really fulfilling in different ways. Maybe the type of friendship she wants from you is not the same you’re willing to give, but I think there’s probably a place you could meet in the middle. I don’t think you need to over-worry about your mom’s feelings in all of this. That sounds like it’d really be between her and her sister. And if you end up spending more time with your aunt than you spend with your mom, that’s okay! You’re all adults with your own unique relationships to one another. I know families can be very particular about the hierarchy of things, but I think as queer people we’re pretty good at renegotiating and reimagining those things. Embracing your aunt does not amount to rejecting your mother, and I do wonder if that tidbit buried in your letter is the real heart of the problem. Free yourself from that external pressure and maybe you’ll have an easier time connecting with your aunt.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
