Q:
I’m a 28 year old biromantic trans man. I saw a question submitted by a biromantic gay man and thought I’d write in. I’m the exact opposite of him: I’m very romantically attracted to both men and women but only sexually attracted to women. With both I have desires to kiss and be involved in a romantic relationship with them. However the idea of the idea of intimacy and sex with a man does not at all interest me.
In the past, my attraction towards men was very selective. However after transitioning and eradicating my gender dysphoria I’ve noticed that my romantic attraction towards men is much more present than I thought. I now find myself romantically attracted to many of the men I encounter. It makes me wonder if I should consider pursuing relationships with both genders. How might I find men who are okay with my orientation and willing to enter a purely romantic relationship? I’ve never dated before, and while I’m pretty happy with my life as is, I do think I’d really enjoy a committed relationship with someone I’m attracted to.
A:
Ya know, I was also exclusively attracted to women (sexually and romantically) before my transition. HRT sort of ‘softened’ my libido to be less driven by visual stimuli, and more rooted emotional engagement. Throw in my diminished gender dysphoria, and the result was a newfound openness to men—mostly sexually, as women still have my romantic interest.
That’s to say that sexuality can shift at any time in life for any reason. It doesn’t need to be a point of distress or confusion. You can explore it as much or as little as you like.
What’s in it for me(n)?
Whether you should pursue romantic relationships with men is complex and personal.
I enjoyed exploring my sexual attraction to men, and it helped me solidify that I wasn’t romantically interested in them. I was in an open relationship with a woman, so my need for romantic connection was being met. If you’re monogamous, there’ll be an understandable reluctance about being exclusive to someone who doesn’t satisfy your sexual and romantic needs, especially if it takes more time and effort to find someone you’re compatible with.
I’m not criticizing monogamy or suggesting non-monogamous dating if it’s not for you. Rather, I’m suggesting you ask yourself if you think a purely romantic relationship without sex will fulfill your needs.
That being said, exploring relationships with men might be how you answer that question for yourself. You don’t have to commit your life to any person you date—even if you’re monogamous. As long as you’re honest about expectations and boundaries, you can explore to your heart’s content. If there’s a budding interest in this attraction, I say go for it!
How do I find men willing to have a purely romantic connection?
My sexual exploration with men was easier because I found them more open to casual sex. The reasons might be down to heteronormativity of learned socialization, but some of it carries over to queer people, too. Dating apps for gay men have a reputation for being… sexually forward. Conversely, apps that cater to women (queer or not) stake a lot more on personality and romantic compatibility.
I don’t know what men in your part of the world are like, but I think you should be prepared for the possibility that they won’t be looking for romance-without-sex. Asexual and sexually diverse queer men do exist. You may also find success with polyamorous queer men who are satisfied with intimacy from other partners. There’s probably a guy out there who’s been trying to find love without sex and he’d fit you really well. The search is worth it because you’ll learn about yourself.
As to how you can approach this, I have ideas.
There’s always the apps. They all have downsides. I’ve heard that asexual-centered dating apps tend to have very small userbases. Apps with broad appeal will mostly contain allosexuals. And this is all assuming you have enough of a population in your area to sustain any app outside of Tinder. Dating apps can become isolating and alienating. But their main advantage is filtration. That’s really suitable for someone in your position: You have a goal, and you don’t want to waste time. All apps let you indicate your intentions and sexual orientation, which gives you a chance to work past incompatible people.
If you have local queer meetups, they could also point you in the right direction. LGBTQ+ groups and clubs are a focal point for the local ‘scene’. Queer folk have always depended on secure spaces to manage our more specific dating needs. You could make some cool friends and be directed to eligible people. The advantage here is that a queer groups are generally more accepting of different relationship styles in the first place. If you do seek out queer groups, do your reading about those catered toward gay men. Gay men can be quite transphobic to trans men (I’m guessing you know this), so I’d avoid any gay men-centered space unless they’re very explicitly trans friendly.
No matter how you approach this, I hope you uphold your boundaries and go in with an explorative angle. Be upfront about who you are and let nobody but yourself guide you through it. I wish you all the best.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
