Q:

My girlfriend thinks she is very emotionally intelligent, and in many ways she is…as long as she’s looking at someone else’s life. As soon as it’s about her own stuff I feel she is reactive, defensive, has very black and white thinking, and many hypocritical behaviours. I really love her but I’m struggling. I want to be able to work things through with her but every time I try, it quickly escalates and I back down. What’s especially hard is when I hear her give advice to someone else that is exactly one of the things I’m asking of her, but she doesn’t seem to make the link or will say the situation is completely different if I try to point it out. I’ve read a lot about non violent communication and try to use these ideas when approaching these conversations but it doesn’t work when I’m the only one doing it. And yes she already knows about non violent communication too and has suggested it to others. She is younger than me but only by 4 years and we’re both in our 30s so I’m not sure how much that would be a factor. She has had a more difficult life than I have so I always try to keep that in mind and be understanding, but I feel I’m reaching breaking point. Any advice about how I can get her to see my side of things?

A:

My honest answer is that you can lead someone to water, but you can’t make them drink. I don’t mean to dissuade you from trying to communicate with your girlfriend. I’ll discuss her motivations for why she does what you’ve described and how to avoid repeating those patterns. But I want to impress upon you that even if you do everything right, your girlfriend has to want to meet you halfway and put in her share of the effort.

Let’s address the mismatch between your girlfriend’s emotional intelligence in and outside of the relationship. Since you don’t specify what you’re asking of your girlfriend, I’ve assumed you’re approaching her in good faith about issues in your relationship.

I’ve been in your girlfriend’s position before. I was considered emotionally intelligent and mature from a young age. This was the byproduct of my upbringing in a dysfunctional family; I developed tools to navigate the immaturity of the adults around me. But I wouldn’t call those qualities true maturity and emotional intelligence. They were a survival strategy. Sure, I could put myself in someone else’s shoes and hear what they wanted to hear of me. That didn’t require introspection or challenging my biases. My emotional energy was channeled into enduring adults and protecting my psyche. I’ve come to believe that beneficial emotional intelligence is developed without the influence of ongoing trauma.

I don’t know if I’m projecting, but your girlfriend might have a similar background. She can advise others because it’s pretty low stakes. That’s evidence of maturity, but it doesn’t necessarily involve interrogating her blind spots and ‘areas of improvement’. Her task is similar to mine when I answer Autostraddle questions: pattern recognition and problem-solving.

But I also joke that I give advice to others because it’s too late for me.

That’s because the ability to advise and problem-solve for other people only reinforces emotional intelligence if they’re paired up with internal work. These skills won’t apply to her unless she can introspect, be vulnerable, and resist her desire to be defensive. When she takes hard stances devoid of nuance about her problems, I think it speaks to insecurities. Again, those insecurities and hard stances won’t appear when she’s advising others, because the stakes are low. Her psyche isn’t being made vulnerable.

Defensiveness and deflection (‘that’s a completely different to my situation!‘) are common mechanisms to protect our sense of self when it’s challenged. We all do it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Defensiveness and resistance are extensions of our agency. Things get problematic when those behaviors aren’t tempered by level-headedness. If your girlfriend has a shaky sense of self, even benign and loving critiques feel like attacks. That leads to predictable responses: redirecting blame, deflecting, and denying constructive pleas for change.

‘How can I get her to see my side of things?’

Before starting, I must restate my opening claim: You can’t make your girlfriend want to change. She’ll have to address the root of her defensiveness to grow, become resilient, and develop true emotional intelligence.

In the meantime, you can try communicating with her in a way that doesn’t trigger her internal ‘attack’ siren. You’ve already started doing this by exploring nonviolent communication, which I commend you for. Stripping the more accusatory language and framing that pops up in discussions will go a long way to smoothing out conflict in a relationship.

However, your girlfriend isn’t just responding poorly to aggressive language and framing. She’s balking at the request for introspection and change. One answer might be to put the ball in her court. Instead of saying “I feel X, please could you help me and do/not do Y” you could say something like “I feel X. Can you help me think of ways to deal with this?” Statements like these make the request open-ended, and appealing to her pattern-recognition and problem-solving skills. They might give her the distance she needs to look at the problem with her detached problem-solver outlook. She might even organically reach the conclusion that she needs to adjust her behavior.

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Might.

She may also deny that you feel X, or that you have any reason to feel X. She might suggest ways for you to manage those feelings yourself without making changes on her part or even meaningfully engaging with your presenting problem.

You could take a different and unexpected approach. Talking has failed repeatedly, so the relationship might internalize the feeling that talk doesn’t work before a convo starts. That sets things up for failure. Perhaps you could write your feelings in a letter and explain how much you care about her, and how you’d like to work on the relationship together. That also removes the face-to-face dimension that starts disagreements or arguments—a letter might be disarming in a way that talking might not be.

I can make suggestions all day, but it’s not your sole responsibility to make the relationship work. If you’re already communicating respectfully and non-confrontationally, then you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells just to find reciprocity in your relationship. If you approach her with love, good intentions and an earnest desire to work things out, you shouldn’t have to back down when she becomes reactive.

I’m not on team “your girlfriend is an evil narcissist and you should break up with her.” Other internet strangers will happily do that. But I think it’s unfair that she’s set up a norm where she controls conversations. If you approach with something you want to work on and she escalates, don’t back down. Your options aren’t just ‘argument’ or ‘surrender’. You can disengage without giving in. You can assert your boundaries and goals.

These measures often sound like the following:

  • “I don’t feel like you’re hearing me out or acknowledging my feelings.”
  • “I don’t think you’re in the right headspace to discuss this now. Let’s come back to this later.”
  • “I really want to work this out with you. When is a good time for us to try that?”

I empathize with the fear of being assertive in this way because of your girlfriend’s potential reaction. But please remember that her actions are not your responsibility. If your approach is kind and caring, you’re not at fault when it escalates. A partner who doesn’t respond positively to respectful communication or your needs isn’t a good partner to have around.

If you still want a relationship with her despite all this, my last recommendation is couples counseling. That kind of neutral third party with expertise was made for exactly this situation. Having another person watching can also curb people’s defensiveness or stubbornness. No matter what, you deserve a relationship with someone who is willing to talk things out with you.