Do You Have ‘Stay the Night’ Savings?

Allergy medicine? Check.

Two piece set of actually cute bra and panties? Check.

Travel toothpaste and toothbrush. Check.

Jojoba oil. Check.

Flushable wipes. Check.

This is the checklist I run through before I spend time with someone I’m sexually interested in. Because let’s face it… once you’re there, you’re there. So thinking ahead is just another way of investing in your experience with pleasure as a queer person. But have you ever purposefully set aside money — daily, weekly, or monthly — just for staying the night?

No matter who you have sex with (one-night stands, situationships, long distance lovers, full-time partners), whether we like to think about it or not, we are likely spending money in some way.

And in the capitalist economy we actually live in, money often shapes not just what we can buy, but how we spend time with people we’re curious about, people we like, and people we love.

That’s why I want you to ask yourself if you have Stay The Night Savings.

Stay the Night Savings are a line item in your budget like groceries, rent, or subscriptions. They focus on ensuring you have the funds you need to engage in sexual connections on your own terms and in ways that increase your safety, pleasure, and overall sense of agency and autonomy in your most intimate relationships, and they’re not talked about nearly enough.

According to the BMO Harris Real Financial Progress Index, the average cost of a date has increased by 12.5% since 2025, now sitting around $200 to woo your favorite Summer House-watching lesbian on one date at a time. The average annual spend on dates in the U.S. is about $2,000. Nearly half of single people say dating is not financially worth it, while 50% of Gen Z and 40% of Millennials say dating costs interfere with their financial goals. Experts call it “date-flation.” Basically, the cost of dating is rising because the cost of everything is. And when everything else costs more, intimacy starts to cost more, too.

For queer and trans people, how we budget for our sex lives matters because we often have to work harder to earn the money we’re spending. We’re paying to pursue people we like, to buy drinks and food at the bar, and to get from our homes to hotels, someone else’s house, or, if we’re really feeling it, across state lines to see a lover we like enough to travel hundreds of miles for.  “Stay the Night” Savings exists as a framework and includes three core steps: building tomorrow money that protects your choices, dating people who are open to talking about sex and money, and planning to spend for intimacy like you plan to spend on groceries, a shared Netflix subscription you have with 20 of your friends, or rent.

Build “tomorrow money” that protects your choices.

Saving can feel like a snooze fest, I know. For a long time, I thought saving was a waste of time. As a Black queer and nonbinary person, there were points in my life where I couldn’t clearly see myself in the future, so saving for a future version of me didn’t make sense. But as I’ve healed, my relationship to saving has shifted. I now see it as an act of care,  for tomorrow, next week, and the week after that.

For queer and trans people, especially Black and Brown folks and other people of color, savings can function as protection. And sometimes the easiest way to start isn’t by thinking 20 years ahead, but by thinking about next week. What could “tomorrow money” do for you? How could it support your mental, emotional, physical well-being, and your experience of pleasure?

For example, setting aside $50 for rideshares over the course of a month can give you the freedom to leave a situation that doesn’t feel good or safe without relying on someone else to get you home. Or imagine you didn’t plan to have sex, but decide in the moment that you want to. Having money set aside for contraception or safer sex supplies allows you to stay present in that experience without worrying about pulling from money you need for rent, groceries, or getting to work. In addition, having a fund just for staying the night is important, because it reserves resources for future you to leave, stay, or change your mind at any time. It’s saving so that you can make more choices and on your own terms.

Date people who are open to talking about sex and money.

It doesn’t make sense that anyone is expected to pretend planning for sexual encounters is always free in a society where literally everything costs money. If we expect people to feel safe enough to share their most intimate moments with us, it’s also up to us to be a safer place for talking about the finances that come with those moments. So how do we do that?

First, we ask about people’s comfort levels:

“Hey, I like to plan ahead with people I’m interested in sexually. Would you be open to talking about our plan for how we split the costs of spending time together?”

When someone offers to pay for us, we take a beat. We check in with ourselves about whether we actually feel safe enough with that person to accept that. And if we do, we acknowledge it without turning it into something we now owe them. It’s okay for people to treat us from time to time. That’s part of care. The key is making sure we’re not dealing with someone who will later use paying as a way to set the terms of the night or blur boundaries we’ve already set.

“Thank you for covering that bill for me.”

That works just fine.

And we offer in advance what we can contribute, so no one is guessing or stretching themselves in the moment:

“I know you shared that you have about $40 to spend tonight. I have about $35 to spend on rideshare and lube. Do you think we’ll need more than that?”

Money conversations don’t have to feel awkward or transactional. They can actually be a way of building trust, a way of making sure everyone involved can relax into the experience, knowing that no one is silently overextending themselves or relying on someone else to carry the night.

Plan financially for intimacy like it’s part of your real life.

I won’t assume everyone reading this is a savings pro, so let’s break down how to actually save money.

Start by building a simple budget for yourself. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It can be as basic as an Excel sheet where you list out what you spend each month on rent, transportation, groceries, medicine, insurance if you have it, utilities, and other fixed costs.

Once you subtract those essentials from what you earn, what’s left is your variable spending. This is where your real life lives. Time with friends. Time with chosen family. And time with people you date or might want to date in the future. It’s called variable because what you spend here will shift depending on how busy you are in these streets. This is where “Stay the Night” Savings lives.

Instead of treating intimacy like something that just happens, you plan for it. You give it space in your budget the same way you would anything else that matters to you.

That might look like setting aside a small amount each week for rides or gas, so you always have a way to get home on your own terms. It might look like having money set aside for things like lube, condoms, dental dams, or gloves. It might look like investing in toys or supplies that actually align with your body and how you experience pleasure. It might even be as simple as having wipes, extra underwear, or something clean to change into so you can feel comfortable staying or leaving when you want to.

This isn’t about overplanning or taking the fun out of sex. It’s about making sure you can actually enjoy it, without stress, without pressure, and without having to make decisions based on what you can afford in the moment.

Yes, we’re living through tough financial times. But that doesn’t mean we have to give up pleasure. It means we get more intentional about protecting it and sharing the costs of coming together (no pun intended) so that intimacy stays something we choose.