‘I Can’t Get Over How Close My Partner Is With Their Former FWB’

Q:

Hello kind Autostraddle writers (and readers),

I think I might be a terrible partner and an even worse lesbian. By some strange luck that I probably in no way deserve, I am dating the gentlest, smartest, funniest, kindest-hearted, most interesting and delightful person ever to exist. It’s been about ten months. They deserve the world and more, and I promise I am trying to give it to them! But there’s one thing that I can’t seem to find it within myself to give them, and that’s being chill about their bestie who is also their ex.

An important bit of context here is that I am not personally friends with any of my exes. I have seen much and more lesbian content which tells me that this is a red flag, or perhaps a lack of emotional maturity, or an indicator that I struggle in my relationships to other people. All of this is perhaps true! But I would also like to say that my dating history (in terms of relationships that were, like, defined) is fairly short and primarily taken up by a four-year relationship with an emotionally abusive partner. AKA, not friend material. There have been two others which ended amicably but did not become friendships.

So suffice to say that I harbor a good deal of guilt and general feelings of failure that I cannot seem to make peace with this extremely standard lesbian experience. But the same cannot be said for my partner! Their situation is this: they met this person a little over three years ago and they decided to become FWB shortly after meeting. They had sex casually and were otherwise friends for a year, becoming closer during this time. The FWB then left for a year abroad and my partner briefly dated someone else who was similarly insecure about the FWB, so in addition to them necessarily no longer having sex they also did not speak for a few months during the FWB’s time abroad. My partner’s relationship ended, they started talking again, and when the FWB returned home they became much closer friends but did not resume having sex. They never talked about their sexual relationship after this. Nothing else sexual happened between them, but they became best friends and have been since.

My partner has expressed to me that they have no feelings of attraction or desire for this person; that even when they were having sex there wasn’t any romantic attraction; that they utterly cannot see her in that light now that that part of their relationship had ended; that if I could be in their brain I would see that this friend (let’s call her Sue for a moment) is just “Sue.” Sue! Just Sue. Not someone they still desire. Or someone who they’d marry if they’re single in fifteen years. Or someone they’re going to eventually realize was the one all along and leave me for.

And yet it eats at me! Was the sex good? Better than with me? Certainly they were attracted to her – they fucked for a year!! She’s beautiful – more beautiful than me? More feminine? Smarter? More interesting? More successful in her career? I don’t ask these questions (but it seems to me she’s all these things), but they eat me alive every time she comes up. And I’m trying so, so hard to feel more secure and not make it my partner’s responsibility to reassure me or tend to my emotions or fix my insecurities. They also expressed to me that it would be extremely hurtful for me to ask them to not be friends with her anymore – not because I asked this (I promise I wouldn’t) but because of the past experience when “Sue”/FWB was abroad and their GF at the time was uncomfortable with their friendship. I don’t want this. It’s not the answer and it won’t happen.

I don’t want to ruin my relationship. I cannot make my partner feel as though they’re walking on eggshells every time one of their close friends comes up. When she does come up, sometimes I can be fine about it, but too often I start to spiral and of course my partner notices. And then I usually admit I’m feeling insecure, tell them whatever deranged insecure thought I’m having, and that it’s not their fault and they didn’t do anything wrong in bringing her up. I know it stresses them out though, and they’re more hesitant to mention her. It’s the littlest things that I spin out over; she liked an instagram story they posted of me and I got so anxious over the thought of her perceiving me; does she think she’s better than me? Is she relieved that she’s more attractive than me? That she knows my partner better? Does she think my partner downgraded? That they could do better? Am I ruining my partner’s wellbeing with my insecurity? How much longer until they get sick of being with someone who spins out over stupid shit because she can’t handle that they used to fuck their best friend? I’m just so overwhelmed by guilt and insecurity. Pretending I’m fine harms my relationship; I worry I’m doing just as much damage by being honest. I want to be a good partner. I wish I could just feel fine and not insecure. I promise I am trying so hard to be better. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Delirious Dyke

A:

Let me start with the easier part of this letter, which is addressing the ways you’re putting yourself down for not being friends with any exes. At this point, I sort of wonder how the “all lesbians are friends with their exes” stereotype persists when my personal large lesbian social circle consists of about 50% lesbians who are friends with exes and 50% lesbians who are NOT friends with any exes.

My wife and I both fall into the latter category! We are not friends with exes. I do not think, as you suggest, that this inherently suggests “a red flag, or perhaps a lack of emotional maturity.” Sometimes it’s just how it goes; sometimes it’s not even something you have a ton of control over, because the other person does not want to be friends. Sometimes a clean break with no contact is the emotionally mature thing to do. The only thing that is alarming to me sometimes is when people go out of their way to only talk shit about exes (especially when harms are overstated). That can sometimes suggest a red flag. The fact is, even from bad relationships there are usually some good moments or good lessons we learned (I’m excluding abusive relationships from this, of course). And when people can’t see that, it can suggest a black-and-white way of viewing relationships which can leak into other parts of life, in my experience.

All that said, while I am not friends with any actual exes, I am indeed still friends with people I’ve hooked up with in the past or had loose FWB arrangements with. My wife is, too. The only difference between my situation and your partner’s is that those arrangements were not for as long a period of time. But when it comes to these more casual relationships, length of time often isn’t a major factor. Whether a year or a month, if it remained casual the whole time without much depth to the romance, when it has run its course, it has run its course. I feel similarly as your partner — I don’t think of these people sexually at all. And maybe that’s hard to believe if you’ve never experienced something similar, but it’s true and it’s common. Sleeping with someone during a period of time in your life does not mean you absorb a permanent desire to sleep with that person. Relationships shift and change all the time. You have to believe what your partner is saying and trust that they wouldn’t lie to you about how they feel.

And THAT said, I know jealousy is not exactly a logical feeling, and even if you know rationally what you need to do, it doesn’t mean you can automatically change the feelings you’re having. You’re obviously intentionally working to get over these feelings of jealousy if you’re writing in to us. You’re self-aware! You know you will be pushing your partner away if you keep spiraling over their friendship! These are good steps toward actually shifting the feelings, even if you haven’t gotten all the way there quite yet. I definitely agree that pretending you’re fine likely harms the relationship. Being overly honest about the degree to which you’re obsessing can create a wedge, too, but I do hope that your partner could make some space for you to be able to talk a bit about what you’re feeling with the same level of trust and understanding that you’re attempting to have when it comes to their situation. I know you’ve already gone the honesty route, but where do those conversations end? Is it just you confessing your spiraling thoughts, putting yourself down, reassuring them, and then we all move on? That sounds like it could get very feedback loopy, repeating the same process rather than finding a way to shift it. That’s work you will have to do on your own tbh, not with your partner. You need to get to a place where you believe and trust what they’re saying. Your partner chose you! Keeps choosing you! Society tells us sex changes a friendship, but that’s really not true, I promise. If your partner says this former FWB is just a friend now, I believe them, because I’ve been in their shoes and know just how innocuous these friendships can be.

I’m not trying to be hard on you, because frankly I think one of the issues here is that you’re too hard on yourself, worsening your feelings by throwing guilt and shame on top of them. It does not make you a bad lesbian or a bad person to feel jealous and have the urge to compare yourself to “Sue.” It merely makes you human. Maybe the next time you have one of your spirals, instead of immediately unloading on your partner, write down what you’re feeling. Talk to a friend! I’m willing to bet there are other people in your life who have remained friends with a past hookup who they have no romantic feelings for, and maybe hearing it from a perspective outside of your own relationship can help.

If you ultimately decide this is something you will always struggle with and torture yourself over, then it might just be the case that you can’t really be in a relationship with someone who is friends with someone they used to sleep with. That’s a decision you’ll have to make. But if this is a relationship that is fulfilling and healthy in all other ways except for this thing you’re struggling to get over, isn’t it worth doing the hard emotional work to get over it?