Q:
I just moved to a new city, away from a very controlling family, and want to inflict myself on the queer nightlife scene in the area…but even though I’m in my very late twenties, I have absolutely no idea how to dress myself or do my makeup. I’ve always dressed more for comfort than for looks, and I want to look sexy while not completely embarrassing myself. Please help me if you can!
A:
Wait, this is such a fun and cute question! 1. Congrats on getting away from your controlling family and 2. I am obsessed with the phrase “want to inflict myself on the queer nightlife scene.”
I think to start, you should go old school. As in, don’t dive into the zillions of video tutorials right away. There’s soooo many out there and sometimes it can be tough to decipher which are actually useful and which are just trying to sell you things. Because A LOT of that social content is definitely geared toward selling you things even if they’re not explicit ads, and I do not believe that reinventing yourself and your personal style requires a ton of spending but WHEW there are a lot of people out there who will make you feel that way.
So don’t hit the internet streets just yet. Make! A! Moodboard! The kind with actual paper and cutouts and glue sticks. But okay if you don’t have immediate access to a bunch of magazines and other visual physical material for this project, then you can take to Pinterest or use the free version of Canva to make a digital moodboard.
And I’m not saying you have to avoid social media altogether in this endeavor. I just think that to start, you should keep things a little more private and focused on you, whereas social media has turned into a place that’s less about meaningful connection and more about parasocial relationships and people trying to sell you things. I think especially if you’re coming out of a situation where other people were trying to control you, it can be good to slow down and spend some time with yourself to figure out what it is you want. It can take a lot of trial and error to figure out your personal style. Don’t worry about it not nailing it right away! Try things! And then don’t feel bad if they don’t really work for you. Thrift stores and clothing swaps are your friend.
Meet someone out at a nightlife event and love their makeup? Compliment them on it! Ask what products they use and any tips they might have! I would not only be so willing to share my tips and tricks with someone I met out; I’d be FLATTERED. (As for me, I’ve done the same smokey eye makeup look that I taught myself in college using a YouTube tutorial that came up when I searched “how to Kristen Stewart smokey eye” lmao.) I think the problem with where social media has gone these days is that while it initially promised connection, it’s really eroding that, ESPECIALLY with AI exacerbating things. I think sometimes people forget you can approach a stranger in a gay club and ask how they accomplished their perfect cat eye look or ask someone else where they got their shoes. Copying an influencer’s look online is complicated by the fact that they’re often receiving products for free and are biased in their recommendations. Ask people in real life! Anyone who’s a good person isn’t going to gatekeep.
I can’t tell from your letter if you’ve moved away to a place where you don’t know many people, but if you DO have friends, ask to borrow their clothes just to try out! I’ve shared clothes with and borrowed clothes from friends through my entire adult life.
Be intentional about the pieces you do buy. Again, revamping and discovering your look doesn’t have to result in spending a bunch of money, at least not at first. Experiment with things you already have but styled different ways (@sophiestraussstyling is a great follow for learning how to do this). Once you’ve figured out what it is you do like, try buying some versatile pieces from sustainable brands. I think if you are resourceful upfront by shopping secondhand, borrowing, and not just buying a bunch of shit for the sake of buying a bunch of shit, then it’ll be easier to be more intentional with how you spend your money on clothes and makeup down the line, too.
Good luck, have fun, don’t feel like you need to figure this all out right AWAY. My personal style has changed sooooo many times over the years. And it always feels like discovering a new layer of myself.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Comments
In addition to this great advice, I’d add, if you’re able, go to a Goodwill with $20 and a tape measure (in case there are no dressing rooms) and spend a long time touching things. Most of the clothes there will be fast fashion which you can literally feel is flimsy and flammable. Anything that feels really good to you, take a look at it. Evaluate it and notice if you’re drawn to it. If you’re drawn to it and want to wear it, even if you think you have nothing to wear it with, buy it if you can, or note down what you like about it if you can’t. Color? texture? shape? When I first got into clothes as a teenager, I was initially drawn to the colors I liked and wore the same silhouette every day (tight top + flared skirt). Now, I find myself caring more about silhouette and shape and how it fits me and am more prone to experimenting with different silhouettes. Plus, if something doesn’t fit right, it’s not comfortable, and I will never wear it, no matter how much I like it. I think this is important when wanting to dress “sexy” and not comfortable – actually, you still have to be comfortable, physically. I would also add that wearing the queer uniform of big jeans + little tank top is a very easy way to start exploring your personal style because it’s a good format to easily add jewelry and makeup. It can easily lean more femme or butch or androgynous or what have you based on how tight your clothes are and the accessories/makeup/ornamentation you add, and you probably already have at least jeans you like. Lastly, clothing swaps! You could even organize one!
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CONGRATULATIONS on getting distance from controlling family!! I highly recommend trying things on without buying. Take pictures or videos in the dressing room, think about how different outfits and pieces make you feel.
In my experience there are few ‘rules’ for how to dress for queer nightlife, especially compared to straight nightlife. Generally, you’ll see people going full glam and people going full comfy or full freak (complimentary) at the same event. There’s freedom to wear what feels good.
I hope you can have fun with it! Focus on what works for you and forget whatever doesn’t. You’ve left a difficult environment and now it’s safe to play around, try new things without letting them define you, and be curious without self-judgment :) Congratulations again, and I hope you have so much fun!! 👯❤️
🥳 I second the thrifting + checking the material construction of things. I asked a teacher in high school for thrifting tips lol and my biggest takeaways were 1) fit 2) material 3) check for any snags/stains – and for 1 & 3, keep in mind what you can work with, and if you have any skills (or are ready to try and learn!) or access to someone with tailoring skills haha. I have no basically no makeup skills rn as well but I have enjoyed asking folks for tips and dreaming and letting others do fun things to my face to build off of.
JD’s advice of a strong foundation of basics (big jeans / utility pants are very Gay Uniform rn in my experience too 😛) and playing with accessorizing on top of that is advice I get behind too.
Also, hair transformations? 👀 If you find a queer hair place to go, that could be fun :) wishing you well on your new gay adventures!
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It might be a fun activity to reflect on any clothes or items that did speak to you in your youth. Maybe something that was forbidden and was only a fantasy or somehow was on the border enough to slip through the radar and you loved it extra. Maybe that draws a blank and doesn’t feel helpful. I could imagine other questions that might draw up other reflections – like colors you hated or loved wearing. Best of luck to you!
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Thrifting tips about fit and material are really useful, especially if you can do small alterations. Do you usually check fabric labels too, since natural fabrics often last longer and feel better? https://geometrygame2.io