A lot of my engagement with queer community naturally happens at this job, but in-person queer community has become increasingly important to me. I’ve written about it a bit, but climate crises in particular have made me realize just how essential — and life-saving! — it is for us to take care of each other, even when it comes to small gestures like opening up our home to friends when they lose power during hurricanes and we do not. Having moved to Florida four-ish years ago, a lot of my approach to queer community has been to learn about queer histories and movements in the places I now live.

As far as advice I have for folks seeking queer community, find out where the queers are working. Usually if a bar/cafe/restaurant/etc has queer people working at it, they will also bring in their queer friends or just generally attract queer customers by way of being visibly/outwardly queer friendly. Whenever I find a spot with a queer bartender, I know I’m going to encounter other queers, too. Also look into local queer community programming either at your library, museums, or independent bookstores or arthouse movie theaters! Even if those places aren’t explicitly labeled as queer, they might put on queer or queer-adjacent programming.

I’m finding queer joy with my community. One of the greatest acts of resistance we can do (on top of the calling and donating and volunteering) is to lift each other up so we can keep surviving and thriving in the face of the people who want us to fail.

One of my favorite ways to do this is to play Queer D&D, which is different from regular D&D only in that our entire table of players and characters are queer as hell. We collaborate and create and laugh and escape into this world of our own creation for a few short hours every now and then to reinvigorate our souls and remind ourselves that we do have the power to shape and change things out here in the real world. It’s healing to be in such a fun, safe space, and the perfect way to recharge.

I make out with my girlfriend. And I regularly send raunchy texts to a couple of other people (with my girlfriend’s knowledge). I connect to the queer people around me through salivary exchange, but I don’t think that’s exactly what we’re looking for.

I currently live in a small town near the tip of Africa. There aren’t too many visibly queer people around me, so most of my connections are online. My best friends are all some kind of queer/gay. I’m in a few queer-friendly or queer-centric Discord groups. I keep some choice Reddit communities nearby. I keep up-to-date with people’s lives and current affairs online, but I don’t make it to many meetups or anything. In my corner of the world, maintaining a few friendships and keeping in touch with lovely people is plenty.

During the winter months, while recovering from surgery, I’ve been really relying on my partner and the solid friendships I’ve already formed. But last fall I started to formulate a strategy for making new queer connections despite the limited number of good lesbian spaces. So if you’re looking for new friends or lovers, listen up! This might be ridiculous, but I think it works:

The way to meet lesbians is to go to a queer neutral space and befriend the most charming gay man there. He will have one lesbian friend and she will be cool. You’re welcome.

Well to be honest, with a newborn baby, I haven’t been in much 3-D community aside from my wife who lives here with me — but we have had lots of gay friends stop by to see the baby or hang with the baby. So then we can listen to all of the dating and social drama and in that way continue to feel deeply connected to The Community. I’m lucky of course to have a very gay job, so I spend five days a week with some of my favorite gay people in the whole world on the internet. I’ve obviously met many of my gay friends over the years through my work, but I’ve also met a lot through our local gay kickball league. I’m a terrible athlete, but local gay sports leagues for sports that aren’t even real sports is a great way to meet new people because that’s generally the same reason everybody else joined, too!

I’ve realized that as much as being part of irl queer community has become increasingly important to me, I do not have the social battery to go to events very often! So my way of connecting is to prioritize spending time with the queer friends I already have. Since many of us have kids, that’s tough, but we’re making the effort! One of the easiest and most fun ways for me is having people over for dinner. I get to cook, which is my favorite, but then we can talk more easily. An easy way to make new queer friends is to reach out to the ones you already have! If there’s an opportunity for a get together, you may meet cool new people.

I love this question because 1) we all need it right now and 2) I’ve moved around and started over many times in my life. Each city I’ve lived has brought it’s own challenges.

Los Angeles was by far the easiest but also very overwhelming. I found the trick to solidifying friendships was showing up to the same weekly/monthly events consistently, even if I didn’t feel like it. I also found it helpful to seek out the more organizer-type folks of the bunch and ask to get plugged into what they’re doing. For example, I would a small group of people trying to get a queer family dinner off the ground. Eventually, I hosted one as well!

The other places I’ve lived posed more of a challenge. In Ohio, I basically just became a regular at the only gay bar in the town. In Tucson, I went to random little craft events. For example, I went to a jewelry-making class held by the local bike repair shop (jewelry completely made out of old bike parts is very niche gay). Even in smaller, more conservative towns I found community through showing up and getting creative.

However, finding queer community in Orlando has been surprisingly challenging. I tried all my usual tactics: queer church hopping, gay clubs, even working at an LBGTQ+ center. Nothing really stuck for me until a co-worker pushed me to sign up for a queer sports league. Through playing kickball, cornhole, and a spinoff weekend version of gay Survivor I’ve finally started to feel like I’m making local friends. I don’t even like sports! I’m not athletic! I am NOT good at kickball, running, or anything physical. I’ve stayed true to my gay sports league because it’s finally brought people into my life I want to surround myself with. So I guess my advice is: Join a gay sports league even if you hate sports?

I’m recalling the ways I watched my family intentionally pour into, tend to, and cultivate community throughout my life, and I’m trying to do the same things. I try to lead with vulnerability, a lot of storytelling over meals. Tons of laughter and making time for the small stuff. The random Facetime walking the dog. A new friend meet-up at a local queer coffee shop. Saying yes to more hangs. Lots of media discourse. Merging friend groups and showing up for folks, be they queer or not and ultimately ensuring, in these times, I’m not silencing any part of the expansiveness of queerness and how we all fit into it. There’s something that’s been really sweet about holding really intimate and intentional space for homies however it looks in this time that I think I’ve always done but feels much more of a mission/calling in these times.

My advice would be to say yes to your buds, even if they’re new. Say yes to the things that you normally wouldn’t do (obviously with your safety in mind), yes to the things you’re curious about. Be honest about who you are, where you’re at, what you need, and assess your offerings knowing that this is allowed to fluctuate as you move through and find what fits. My go-to in finding new community no matter the city has always been fellowship at local coffee shops, climbing gym, events or spaces that are clear on their stances on bipoc safety and international affairs + knowing my neighbors.

I have a solid group of friends — who are both queer and not queer — and I’m in pretty much constant communication with them whether they still live close to me or not. That kind of makes up the bulk of support I need to live my life on a daily basis. All of my friends and I share an absurd sense of humor, a desire to learn as much as we can, and a relentless need to fight against the systems that make our lives a living hell, and that feels like total euphoria in terms of how I feel about my social/community life.

The other way I connect with queer community is by studying my ass off. I know everyone hates to hear it because everyone hates to read these days, but connecting myself and what I’m doing within my local community to the much larger history of people like me doing essentially the same thing makes me feel like I’m never, ever alone. I study the queer resistance of queer and trans people in the South, of other Marxists around the world, of other radicals who are my peers in the struggle, and I know there is nothing we can’t accomplish if we keep organizing and pushing and studying.

My biggest piece of advice for people looking for queer community has to do with exactly that — tap into local organizations. There will almost always be queer and trans people there doing the work alongside you, and becoming more steadfast in your beliefs and more skilled in organizing will help you build community wherever you are with whatever resources you have at your disposal. Your cell phone and social media apps aren’t going to do it for you; you have to actually talk to people in real life.

Martial arts! My new(ish) big thing has been connecting with queer community through fighting, through going to the gym together. Besides that, in general, skill-sharing and learning together have been things that both build us up and which foster deeper connections among friends. My main thing has been just remembering to connect with people, to ask people to get out and do things together, and to not be afraid to ask someone you don’t know that well to hang out.