Q:
Hello, just to give a short background, I am a late life butch lesbian who had two great kids in a desperate attempt to adhere to comphet. Dating always came easily in the past, I was young, conventionally attentive, and had the time to play the field.
Now, I’m a busy single parent with two very busy kids I won’t compromise on the time I spend with them. Having a near non-existing support network and inconsistent co-parent, I have very little time for dating.
Even then, I struggle to get beyond the matching phase on dating apps and frequently get ghosted and stood up. My question is two fold:
1. Are there better ways to meet new queer friends (and maybe more) for a small-town gay with only one weekend a month(at most) to themselves?
2. How do I either parse out those who won’t show up or evaluate what about me might make folks ghost or stand me up?
I am at a complete loss, I try to be warm, friendly, and err on the side of caution for boundaries and manners. That and a decent sense of humor used to be enough for at least friendly connections. Now? I’m honestly really lonely and have no idea what I could be doing wrong.
Thank you, for taking the time to read this, even if you don’t and up answering or publishing.
A:
Sidenote before I delve into my actual advice: I love the typo in the first paragraph. I assume you meant “conventionally attractive,” but I do like the phrase “conventionally attentive.” Especially since the rest of your letter makes it indeed sound like you are attentive to the needs, boundaries, and feelings of others.
This is going to be a frustrating answer, but I think you’re experiencing on a very personal and immediate level the effects of what is a broader societal issue right now, which is that people are really struggling with meaningful connection, being present, and getting to know new people. Social media and increasing reliance on our phones and tech is at the root of this issue. I highly doubt you personally are doing something to cause these frequent stand-ups and ghostings; people’s skills when it comes to being around strangers and being fully present with others are being intentionally degraded by the phones in their hands. Frustrating, yes, because if I’m saying you’re not the problem, then how can you be the solution? Especially when it’s still true that dating apps can be a real way to meet people, especially in smaller towns that might not have as many designated queer spaces or events.
But there are other options, too, and there are other people out there who are feeling the same frustrations as you, I promise. What you’re saying is correct! A good sense of humor and attunement to the needs/wants of others used to indeed be enough to make connections in a lot of settings, and I do think it still can be even if it’s becoming harder to find people who aren’t totally cynical, defeatist, or self-sabotaging in their approach to dating. The great independent restaurant critic Kirstie Kimball recently wrote an excellent essay about her frustrations with modern dating in which she doesn’t blame the apps so much as the pervasive attitude that people have given up on romance before they even make it to the first date. There are other people out there who want the meaningful connections you’re after. Like you, they might just be busy, too.
Being a single parent without a support network is extremely hard work, and I commend you for still trying to put yourself out there and seek connections with the limited time you have to do so. You deserve to date! You do not deserve to get stood up or ghosted, and I’m sorry it keeps happening. I hope it’s somewhat reassuring to hear that I don’t think the problem is you so much as it is a larger problem with the ways people date, view dating, and struggle to form authentic connections. You are not the problem.
I know you said you’re from a small town, but I do find that queer community and queer events can actually be the most authentic and robust in places that aren’t particularly known for a large or thriving LGBTQ+ population — robust not in numbers but just in the energy people put into the space. It would be worth looking into whether there’s some sort of monthly queer meetup somewhere. Social media is obviously one way to find this kind of stuff, but local bookstores, libraries, and coffee shops can also be a good place to seek out this info since they often serve as hosts for these kinds of events. I don’t think what you’re experiencing can be chalked up solely to a dating app issue, but I do think phones/tech/social media are the cause of the broader issue regarding people’s social skills, and going offline to meet other people increases your chances of finding people who are actively trying to combat that. So don’t leave the apps, but maybe explore the possibility of using that one weekend a month to attend an event, class, or meetup.
When it comes to the apps, I’m not sure if it’s actually possible to perfectly parse out who might be the type of person not to show up, to answer that part of your question. I do think there’s nothing wrong with expressing some of your frustrations with being ghosted on your profile. Say you’re looking for people who will show up (a low bar, but clearly one that still needs to be stated!). And when you match with someone and start talking, express that you only want to make plans for a meet up if they are genuinely interested in meeting and won’t stand you up. I think it’d be good to express that beyond that you don’t have any concrete expectations — it sounds like you’re open to just meeting new friends, too. That might help alleviate some pressure on their end. You’re not saying someone has to show up and woo you; you just want them to show up period. Being clear about this might help weed some people out and also draw the right people in. Because again, I don’t think you’re alone in this frustration and isolation. Sometimes being direct and honest about your insecurities and frustrations with dating can help you find the people experiencing the same thing who will want to be right there with you.
I want you to find the connection, care, and love you deserve. Continue to put yourself out there, even if your time and energy are limited. It’s worth it, I think, to keep seeking friendships and romance when there are so many systems trying to isolate us.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
