Welcome to the 90th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.

Every other A+ Advice box of the month is themed! Next month’s theme is HEALTHY DYNAMICS AND BOUNDARIES. Do you need to dive off the deep end into something scary that is perhaps really ultimately good for you? Are you unsure about whether you should confront another person about a behavior? What *would* be a good boundary for you to set in a situation? What’s reasonable? Let’s figure it out together! Get those questions into the A+ Priority Contact Box by Wednesday October 25th!

Then there are general Into the A+ Advice Boxes where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

How can someone interested in bottoming and/or subbing prepare (emotionally and physically) for that?

(I know there are many definitions of both so here I’m using ‘bottoming’ to refer to receiving penetration or oral sex and ‘subbing’ to refer to D/s play that doesn’t necessarily involve genital sexuality).

I’ve occasionally enjoyed penetration during masturbation (though it’s not something I’ve done for a while because the set-up is more work than the alternatives) and seeing what it does for some folks I’ve topped has got me curious. I’ve also always had submissive fantasies.

But I’m a little intimidated by the thought of bringing those desires into partnered sex. There’s a part of me that worries it’ll feel too vulnerable or embarrassing, or too hard to trust someone else, or stir up weird gender feelings or just be physically uncomfortable.

But I had those same worries about having sex at all or orgasming around another person before I had those (positive) experiences.

How do I help myself get out of my comfort zone?

A:

It’s such a great skill to be able to observe all these nuances of eroticism, sexuality, gender and power. They are always interacting and changing, so it can also be messy to map out a pleasure path to bottoming that feels affirming. Being on the same page as a top or a dominant can help make sure you are expressing your submission and bottoming in a way that feels aligned with your partner(s). Bottoming and submission can happen on a spectrum of intensity, so you can explore without penetration first. Here are some ideas on getting out of your comfort zone and into bottoming and/or subbing:

• Keep exploring your submissive fantasies. Find erotica (audio or written) and get curious about the narratives of submission. Get inspired by the infinite creativity in erotic power exchange. You can even write your own erotica! Start thinking of what you want to feel in addition to what you want to do. Do you want to feel helpless? Nurtured? Afraid? Obedient? What do you want your top or dominant to feel?
• Brainstorm some boundaries. Spend some time thinking about the conditions for you to feel safe to bottom or sub. What kind of person would inspire your submission? What mood would you have to be in physically and mentally? What type of dynamic (e.g. casual or committed)? Decide on a few boundaries, which you can always adjust later, and then think of bottoming on a spectrum – what would submission and bottoming look like for you at a level 1 vs a level 10? You might consider bottoming without penetration until you feel safe with someone.
• Start training yourself with penetration. If you find it’s a lot of work to prep, set aside special masturbation dates to just focus on penetration. Practicing with your orifice, and the tools you like (fingers, toys), can help you create a place of comfort in your body that you can use to assess when you’re with partner(s). Learning about the pace of penetration that you’re comfortable with, can help you describe it better to a partner. Notice if there are certain times during penetration where your mind or body is relaxed or tense.
• Consider bottoming from a dominant role. Exploring a new sexual activity from a place you’re already comfortable in can help some people get their body and mind on the same page. For example, being penetrated as a top. Explore embodying dominant roles that have receiving as part of the topping, like being body worshipped, having your hole serviced, or giving directions for hole pleasure.

Q2:

Question for the sex and desire advice box:

I would like to come harder and/or for longer. I only ever have a few seconds release and then immediately come back down to earth. I’ve never experienced orgasmic waves of pleasure or aftershocks or a floaty feeling after, some combination of which I understand at least some people with similar anatomy to me experience at least some of the time!

Context in case that helps: I only have solo sex. I’m disabled but with no physical/mental health conditions or medication that affect libido or sexual function — plus I had the same frustrations before I was disabled. I don’t think it’s an issue of shame or relaxation or not being ‘in my body’. I’ve mixed up positions, hand/toy combos and mental stimuli (vivid fantasies, erotic fiction, porn), but the end result is still always…anticlimactic.

Obviously orgasm does not have to be the goal, and reading this back I think I’m probably just not wired that way, but do you have any ideas for how I could try to make sex more satisfying? Thanks!

A:

More satisfying sex sounds like a great goal, and is possible but takes a little practice. It’s true that medications can influence arousal and orgasm in the body. Emotional and mental challenges like body image, performance anxiety or shame, can also affect orgasms. Here are some techniques to try to experience fuller orgasms:

• Stimulate erogenous zones beyond your genitals. Creating fuller body arousal can make orgasms feel more intense or leave you with a floaty feeling afterwards. Stimulating multiple erogenous zones can add more pleasure, give you blended orgasms or help all the feel good chemicals, like dopamine, spend more time in the body. Try getting aroused the way you normally do during solo pleasure, but then stimulating another erogenous zone (e.g. nipples, thighs, perineum, anus, neck), and alternate between the new erogenous zone and your genitals. It will take longer, it might not feel as good at first, but it may help your body enjoy another path to arousal that’s different from what you normally do. For some people, this can feel exciting to our brains, increase blood flow in the body and intensify the pleasure sensations.
• Try edging. Edging is a practice of bringing yourself close to orgasm and then toning down the intensity so you hover just before orgasm. Masturbate normally but notice what your pleasure feels like when you first start, as you get mid-way aroused and just before orgasm. Once you have a sense of these stages, try edging. Get close to orgasm, change up speed or intensity and keep yourself close to orgasm. Do this several times during a longer masturbation session. Dopamine is highest before orgasm, so essentially you’re lengthening the amount of time your body stays in that zone before orgasm. When you do orgasm, it can feel more powerful because of the long build up.
• Engage more senses. Changing up our sensory experience can change how we respond to stimuli. Try adding sensation play into solo pleasure time. For example, blindfolding yourself or using erotic wax play candles during masturbation. Turn up the arousal even more by using your own sounds, like dirty talk or moaning or grunting.

Q3:

For the hot box:

I have trouble focusing while having sex or really engaging in any sort of sexy times. It’s like the scene at the beginning of but I’m a cheerleader where Megan is making out with her boyfriend, except I’m actually enjoying myself (or my body is). I’m making out with my partner and my brain is like 25% there and 75% thinking about work or grad school or house chores. The only times this doesn’t happen is if I’m slightly high/tipsy or very actively topping someone.

I don’t want to tell my partner(s) that I get bored unless I’m doing a billion things while fucking because “bored” doesn’t quite describe the feeling, but maybe understimulated? My most positive/fulfilling sexual experiences in the past year have either been while high or with multiple people.

Advice for shutting my brain off a little so I can be more present for sex?
( I think someone, maybe Carmen, wrote about having sex while high and I’m not saying I don’t want to do that because it’s great, but I would rather not have to be high to have a good time)

A:

So many people struggle with getting out of their head and into their body during sex. There are things you can try:

• Rituals to open and close sexy time. Give your brain permission to put down any responsibilities and to invite pleasure from the current moment. So much easier said than done, but rituals can create a shift in our perception of the present environment. Try having a candle that you only light when sexy time is happening soon and blow out when it’s over.
• Have a special sex blanket or sex pillow that gets put out only for sexy time. Dimming the lights. Using a special nickname or phrase with your partner. A special scent.
• Create sex playlists. If you’re into music, create a sex playlist with your partner(s). Music can help us get into the moment. Try three of your songs and three of their songs. Notice how your energies change when your fave song comes on.
• Take turns topping. Like you mentioned, topping occasionally can give you mental stimulation in a different way. You can play with topping that has some receiving built in, like being body worshipped but you’re telling them exactly how to do it.
• Sensation Play. Anytime we delight the senses during a state of arousal, we bring ourselves back into the body. Try removing or enhancing senses. Consider blindfolds, erotic wax play, feather ticklers, restraints, massage candles, textured gloves.
• Engage more senses. If you notice you need more stimulation while having sex, try tensing your body, for example gripping your partner or the sheets tightly or curling your toes tightly, and then releasing with a sound or breath. The contrast of tense and relaxing can be a quick wake up to the body to tune into the present moment.
• Communicate. You need what you need. Talking with your partner(s) about your needs can help you create a more authentic and mutually pleasurable experience. You can tell your partners how to support you and tell them what you look like (and what you might need) when you’re distracted or checking out during sex. Tell them what you look like when you’re in your sex zone – how do you sound, look and move?

Q4:

This is a late-breaking Sex and Desire question (although I believe in deadlines! so feel free to save it for whenever).

This might be letting my neurodivergence show, but…why do people become different people during sex? And how can I learn to cope with it? My biggest bedroom struggle has always been that I feel attracted to a person’s personality and mannerisms, but then when it’s Time for Sex, suddenly they break out their Sex Persona, which is a different personality and mannerisms, aka not what was getting me hot moments before when we were talking about board games or politics or whatever. Like, they always do The Bedroom Voice (quiet, whispery, off putting) or try to set a Bedroom Mood, or something, and I always secretly think…can’t you use your normal voice? Can’t we have a normal, everyday activity mood? And then I feel pressure to have a Sex Persona and do the bedroom voice and all the rest of it, when really I just want to be the same version of me I always am, only nakeder.

This has been a consistent issue for me for years across many partners. I’ve never met, let alone slept with, anyone else who had this issue. Is it truly just me? Is there a diplomatic way of asking partners to do things differently? I know how to ask for, like, a different technique for specific acts, but I have no idea how to ask someone for an entirely different vibe to an encounter.

A:

For some people a sex persona or an erotic ‘alter ego’ is a way of feeling confident or giving themselves permission to be ‘sexy’. Sometimes sex personas feel inauthentic, likely because they are mimicking what someone thinks they should be conveying to be seen as sexy. As a partner, it can definitely create a disconnection during sex.

Many people might not even be aware that’s what they do during sexy time. One option is to talk about what vibes are sexy for you before you have sex. Ask them about what kinds of things are turn ons and turn offs for them, and share yours. Describe what characteristics of the sex persona is a turn off, for example, too much dirty talk or too fast, altered voices. Then describe what kinds of vibes turn you on, for example, playful, silly, sweet vibes.

Another option is to address it when it comes up. If it starts happening, you can turn the heat down a little by pausing or getting water, and ask them to take it down to about 10% of what they are doing. Suggest adjusting the intensity and pace of everything.

One more option is positive affirmation. Let them know what you DO like when things get started. For example: ‘I’m really turned on by your voice’. ‘I like how you feel easy to be around’. ‘It makes me hot that you’re just being yourself with me’.

Q5:

Hello, for the sex and desire advice box please (or the next one if I’m too late!)

I feel very similarly to the person with question #17 in advice box #84 (I am a very “responsive desire” person). I’m in a very happy monogamous relationship of 2+ years, and while my partner and I are generally also pretty happy with our sex life, they have told me that they wish they felt desired by me more, and would like to have sex more often. I am making an effort to initiate more, because I really want to make them feel sexy and loved!! My problem is that I don’t often feel the desire to have sex if they don’t initiate.

I think I am a bit blocked by my desire to receive rather than give – the idea of receiving can turn me on almost any time, while the idea of giving doesn’t get me into sexy mode (although once I am there I definitely enjoy and want to pleasure my partner). And I feel quite guilty/ashamed about this because I feel selfish and bad that my partner’s pleasure doesn’t turn me on more?!

I guess I am looking for advice on how to become comfortable with my receiving desires and how to make them work for us not against us?! And any tips on understanding or getting more comfortable with initiating?

Thank you team AS for all your amazing work! :)

A:

Some people are aroused by their partner’s pleasure and some people feel happy for their partner, but not aroused. Both are ok. While it might not be a ‘sexy’ feeling, feeling happy for your partner’s pleasure increases feelings of closeness, empathy and sexual satisfaction. Have you asked your partner how they feel about giving and receiving? There might be an opportunity to support each other’s fantasies or desires and learn about each other so you can take turns giving and receiving without self-judgement. Here are some other ideas:

• Try to initiate sexual activities focused on receiving. Invite them to do something to you. For example, ‘Want to give me a massage?’, ‘I’ve been thinking about tasting me off your lips all day’, or ‘I feel like being close to you right now, wanna cuddle?
• Ask your partner for specific things that you do that make them feel desired. What types of compliments? What types of flirting? What kind of body language? Increasing affection and flirting that doesn’t lead to sex can sometimes increase feelings of desire and playfulness for both people.
• Tune into your partner while they are receiving. You might not be getting aroused, notice the way their breath changes or body squirms. What can you receive at that moment? It might be affirmation you’re doing something amazing to them, it might be feeling connected to them in their vulnerable state, it might be the anticipation of receiving again after they’ve had enough.
• Sex toys. Try playing with sex toys to allow yourself to give and receive at the same time. Remote toys are great, so are grinding pads, vibrating nipple clamps. Try giving oral while using an insertable vibrator and handing over control to your partner.

Q6:

For the sex and desire inbox—how does a single dyke who can’t host find covid-conscious (as in either willing to mutually rapid test or outdoors) casual sex?

I’ve had fun at play parties that require a negative test but they only happen once or twice a month and I’m curious about how it would feel to experience that kind of vulnerability and intimacy more consistently.

I’ve posted on Lex and flagged in-person at a gay beach, a queer bar and a trans party without any success yet.

(I understand that I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea but Lex has been especially confusing; a lot of people react but almost none reach out or even reply back. Perhaps the whisperings of a top shortage are merely rumors.)

Do—god forbid—mainstream apps like Tinder and Bumble work for queer hookups? (Because I’ve mostly given up on dating on them). Should I try Grindr or is there anything else cruise-y or personals-inspired that I’m not aware of (á la a lesbian Sniffies)?

A:

Hooking up definitely takes a lot of effort because it ends up feeling like a numbers game. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things to put yourself in situations where people looking for similar types of connections would be.

Dating apps are a good place for finding like minded people, but depending on the dating app culture of your city, you might be experiencing flakiness, ghosting or non-responsive conversations. You can find queer hookups on apps like Bumble and Tinder, but both apps have large user bases of cis het men, so they may not have the numbers of queer people you’d hope for. Feeld is a dating app that attracts people who are looking for long or short-term sex positive connections. You’ll find people on Feeld more open about their kinks and the type of sex they are looking for in their profiles. Her App is specifically designed for queers, though I’m not sure how many hookups happen from there. Her App has lots of community features for connecting virtually. If it’s accessible, paying for the premium version of most dating apps gives you access to features that help make your search more efficient. Try a month and then take a break if you find it frustrating.

Explore BDSM or kink communities in your area. Many communities have queer munches, queer speed dating, or social groups. You can find them on Fetlife or Bloom Community App. Bloom also has a ton of queer event listings and allows you to connect with other attendees.

Q7:

For the sex/desire advice box: I’m a bi cis woman in a relationship w/ a straight cis man for a few years. while our relationship is great, our sex life has slowed down a lot since we got together, and when I pushed him as to why, he explained that it’s partially because he feels bad about the kind of sex he wants to have, all of which he learned from your classic hetero-man-made porn. we used to have plenty of sex like that, and at first I was okay with it because it was new for me, so it was interesting and worth trying, but after a while I also started to feel uncomfortable-like we were acting out heteronormative sex even though our relationship doesn’t match the ‘normal’ man/woman roles in other ways. so now neither of us wants to have that kind of sex, but it turns out that’s the only kind of sex that really works for him. while I have no problems w/ queer people having sex that involves light bdsm (or w/e they want obviously), I don’t feel great about it in my own relationship. but I’m kind of at a loss for what to do? he’s been watching shitty porn a long time, and even though he’s a great person/feminist, that kind of stuff just seems wired in his brain. I know we can’t always control the kinds of things we desire, but I want to have a sex life again, and with this person specifically.

A:

Sounds like you are both on the same page about wanting to connect sexually in a new way, but there is already a carved and comfortable path you’ve been having sex on! There’s nothing wrong with having sex that doesn’t align with your non-sex life. Most of our sex is fantasy and sometimes engaging in traditional porn fantasies is an outlet for us, while we are still living in patriarchy. It’s an outlet because it feels taboo or naughty or even a bit shameful. If couples therapy is an option, a sex therapist or coach might be helpful to work on specific practices with you. If you choose to continue this type of sex, make it intentional. Create rituals to open and close, like lighting a candle only when you have this kind of sex or aftercare that affirms for both of you that this is play only.

If you want to invite new pleasure into your sex life, here are some ways to make space for it:

• Go on a porn break. Especially from light BDSM hetero type of porn. When you watch one particular type of porn consistently, it inevitably creates a need for even more intensity.
• Consider other forms of erotic mental stimulation. Read or write erotica on your own or to each other. Find queer erotic audio and literature.
• Explore queer and feminist porn. Watch queer porn together without any expectation to be turned on by it. See how it feels to be curious or awkward watching together. Talk about what you like. Explore mutual masturbation if it feels good.
• Play with alter egos. Alter egos can help our erotic imaginations expand. When we pivot into characteristics, attitudes or language that feels sexy, we give ourselves permission to play. Talk about what kinds of roles or characters you might want to explore.
• Try edging each other. Try bringing each other really close to orgasm, then hovering the pleasure there, and repeating. Building up fuller body arousal can help the body be more excited by unfamiliar sensations.
• Make a Fuck-et List. Brainstorm with each other about all the sexy things you want to try or do. They can be mild or wild. Get excited about pleasure possibilities with each other.
• Make plans. Take a technique class and learn a new sex skill. Explore sex toys that amplify queer sex. Keep the curiosity open and focused on pleasure. Bring in new stimulation you both enjoy.

Our brains and bodies learn a go-to way of getting off and engaging in new pathways takes effort and practice. It doesn’t happen right away, and you might experience frustration with orgasm or otherwise because you’re not doing your usual moves. Stick with it for a few weeks, and observe anything that’s changed.

Q8:

Hello friends, this is for the A+ advice on sex and desire.

I am a cis woman and have had/still have some health issues with my reproductive organs (namely my uterus but also weird periods etc – all monitored and managed by doctors) and this – coupled with the total lack of sexual health education for queer people – means I can get a bit anxious about making sure the sex I’m having won’t cause any unwanted side effects like a yeast infection, etc. There was also the time, not long after I started having any sex – partnered or solo – at the height of the pandemic where I forgot I had recently used hand sanitiser that I’m sure you can imagine did not end well.

I hope it’s a simple question – my girlfriend and I were discussing gender stuff recently and how we both feel like maybe we want to get (/back) into wearing nail polish. I know it’s probably a really basic question but are there any potential issues with wearing nail polish and fingering? I super do not want to poison my beloved girlfriend through her vagina, and saying it like that I can pretty much assume the answer is no, but reassuring advice would be appreciated!

For context, we’re in our 30s but in our first queer relationship – and my girlfriend is not worried!

A:

Fingers with nail polish on them aren’t toxic to the vagina. It is possible that chipped nail polish can trap bacteria between the chipped polish and the nail. Introducing dirt and bacteria into the vagina’s ecosystem can promote conditions for irritation. Having short, filed and cleaned nails and hands, are more likely to keep your hands vagina-friendly. If you’re comfortable using barriers, you can try single use, nitrile or latex gloves each time you have hand sex. There are also organic nail polishes and nail polish stickers to consider!

Q9:

Some parts of asexuality really resonate for me–I don’t often experience sexual attraction, don’t often have celebrity crushes, don’t tend to have romantic relationships that got kickstarted by sex. But also, it doesn’t quite fit. I really like sex, want to prioritize it, and do sometimes experience sexual attraction. I think to some extent this is just how I am, but I also think to some extent it’s learned and potentially changeable. I think the combo of compulsory heterosexuality, my social anxiety, and my discomfort with wanting things from other people has resulted in me just not learning to feel sexual attraction. People have whatever attractions they have, but also straight people are socialized to have their attractions and they get to practice them as teenagers. I didn’t. And now, sometimes I can on purpose experience sexual attraction to women if I sort of intentionally turn that way of looking on, and sometimes not on purpose when I’m just ambushed by gifs of Xena, etc. I’m wondering if anyone has stories of sort of training yourself to feel sexual attraction more often, ways of letting yourself practice that way of looking at people and accessing your feelings. Or just solidarity with being in this kind of in between place.

A:

The in-between place is a perfectly awesome place to be. It’s also perfectly awesome to want to venture outside of that space and bring curiosity to sexual attraction. It’s great you’re bringing these insights about yourself into the exploration. Your experiences sound aligned with some people’s on the asexuality spectrum. Some asexuals have sex for reasons other than desire, such as for connection or intimacy. Whatever your experience with asexuality, you’re wanting to prioritise and enjoy sex.

It sounds like at times you might experience some responsive desire – where you’re not feeling a desire to have sex, but you could get into sexual sensations and feelings under the right conditions. Play with what it feels like to set your mind on a pleasure intention (a person, idea, experience or feeling). If you feel comfortable with solo pleasure, try masturbating without the intention to see physical signs of arousal or orgasm. Touch yourself for pleasure rewards like relaxation, getting to know your body, stress release or to sleep better. If you use porn, try something else other than visual stimuli. Experiment with using your erotic imagination or erotica, to invite different parts of your brain to get involved in your arousal.

While our feelings of sexual attraction exist on a spectrum, our erotic minds can explore erotic attraction through kinky, sensual and seductive things. If you want to play with your edges around sexual attraction, kink might offer a vessel to experience different ways to connect erotically, but not always sexually and not always dependent on sexual attraction. Kink can be a great place to explore outside the limitations of gender and sexuality, and even offer a reframe of all the limitations we’ve had to live with in compulsory heterosexuality. Another option is exploring sensual connection with people, like cuddle parties or non-sexual massage exchange or rope bondage, can provide touch and affirming environments to practice communication and socializing in.

Q10:

This is for the Sex & Desire box… So I have been ruminating basically since my coming out (I now identify as lesbian after dating guys until my mid-20s) how I (not always, but quite often) seem to have problems around receiving touch from female partners, especially more femme ones, much more than from men and some butch partners – even though I’m not attracted to men!! In the past, I have explained this with internalized homophobia and misogyny, but now that I am allowing myself to come to terms with my VERY likely autism-spectrum-ness, I am finding that actually, my body’s response to some forms of sexual and other touch is very similar to how I can react to things like loud noises or brightness due to ’tism. So maybe I have always felt this, but comp-het made me bear it while I was dating men?? This somehow feels even scarier than the internalized ‘phobia bit because it doesn’t seem like sth that will go away, and I know that it has in the past really confused and hurt my sexual partners because my body’s reactions are super unpredictable so far. And I do like sex! And touch! And I want it!! Have other queer people on the spectrum noticed sth like this in their lives and have maybe found strategies to deal with it? Love <3

A:

It’s great you’re holding space for all the possible influences on feeling challenged about receiving touch from your partners now. I came out later in life too, after dating cis het men, and also dealt with internalized ‘phobia, as well as insecurities around how to receive and play with touch from other genders/gender expressions. It’s understandable our pleasure systems develop patterns depending on our experiences and partners and it can be jarring or uncomfortable to have a dissonance between your mind wanting sex and your body exploring new ways of receiving. Experiences with masculinity might feel more familiar and therefore more comfortable. Let your partner know what’s happening for you, and what kinds of touch you’d like to try. Setting clear beginnings and ends to receiving time can be reassuring for some people, you can do this by creating a playlist together – when your song comes on, it’s your turn to receive in whatever way you want and vice versa.

Are there specific types of touch or ways of touching that start to increase feelings of discomfort? Try using a simple communication system to observe the intensity or amount of touch. Try using a scale, like 1-5, to communicate where you are at with comfort/discomfort during sexy time. Allow yourself to notice the escalation of pleasure or discomfort, the types of touch, pressure, body parts, speed and textures that make you uncomfortable or comfortable. Go slower than you normally would, and let the goal be curiosity about each other’s pleasure instead of orgasm. Get to know how your partner would like to be touched, so you both feel affirmed in your bodies during touch.

Q11:

My wife & I have been together for almost 10 years & we’ve hit a rough patch. There’s a lot of pieces to this but one that I’m struggling with is the sex/desire part. Over 10 years we’ve gone from “can’t keep our hands off of each other” to “the orgasms are much better but less frequent” which isn’t really a problem. But we’ve always struggled with talking about sex to one another, & at some point sex went from several times a week to 1-2 times a month or less. Also I’m a cis woman who over the past 6-8 months has been going through a gender expression journey. Overall I feel great about that but it comes alongside a couple of years of visible weight gain that I AM insecure about. Over the course of some of our tough conversations my partner shared that as I’ve shifted my style, she’s felt less attracted to me. Obviously that sucked to hear, especially given my weight insecurities. She’s assured me that she’s still very attracted to me. But the fact is for both of us there seems to be a noticeable & unwanted reduction of desire. So I watch movies/TV shows and read books & immediately latch on to that WANT that I see between characters, then remind myself that as a 30+ year old woman ten years into a relationship, desire is never going to look like it does in movies & romance novels. But I still want to feel that kind of desire & I guess what I’m struggling with is threefold. How much is a normal decline in desire in a long-term relationship? How do I rebuild my belief that my partner does find me attractive after what she’s shared with me? & how do we bring some of that WANT back to our relationship?

A:

Media and mainstream society shows us edited, scripted versions of life, love and partnership. It’s so easy to fall in lust with it. Usually it is also pretty heteronormative and focused on the lives of cis people. What we don’t see is that throughout life, we are challenged to come into new relationships with our body over and over again. Which means that we also have to get curious about our pleasure and erotic connection to ourselves, over and over again. Your body could change from illness, birth, menopause and in ability. Physical attraction is one part of attraction, but our standards for what is physically attractive is often extremely narrow. If being in a bigger body changed your partner’s attraction to you so significantly, consider having an honest conversation about this. There’s a tough question: What will happen in your relationship if you aren’t the size you were ever again?

There’s a lot to work through here, so if therapy is an option – consider getting support. Working on rebuilding your self-confidence outside of your partner is important. You’re learning lots about your gender, so things shifting might feel unsteady on top of relationship disharmony. Take yourself on dates. Groom your appearance in ways that feel affirming. Wear colours and textures you love. Start feelin’ yourself again. Many couples can benefit from reigniting interpersonal and affectionate attraction for each other. Desire ebbs and flows in long-term relationships, and benefits from active and intentional practices to nourish desire. Communicate and make a plan together on how you’re both going to make each other feel desired. This might include planning dates where you dress to impress, learning a new skill together, trying new sexual activities and increasing non-sexual affection and flirting. Find your interpersonal attraction to each other again.

Q12:

For the A+ sex advice column. Any ideas on light gender play in the bedroom, in a kinky way? I am a cis queer woman and have never questioned my gender, but I’ve been going through some mental health and body image issues that make me feel very detached and at times grossed out by my own cis fem body. I’ve been curious about trying gender play, but I’m not sure how. Maybe not focusing on my breasts or genitals or curves, but other, more gender neutral parts of the body, like mouth, throat, back, legs, butt? I read a lot m/m rough erotica, and am wanting to emulate that somehow without using strap ons. Thoughts?

A:

Kink is a great place to find tools to play with gender! It might be helpful to make a list of what things don’t feel affirming right now. Your list can have language, body parts, vibes, sex positions, dirty talk, compliments, and sexual activities. Brainstorm alternatives to those, and pick the ones that feel most playful or exciting to you to start with. Here are some suggestions:

• Play with how you move your body. How does a cis fem body move? What other moves feel good in your body? Try non-sexual movement on your own like stretching or dancing in ways that express something new. Notice if open thighs feel playful or if thrusting hips feels empowering. Explore new sounds – moans, groans, grunts or play with volume – whispers or louder.
• Invite new sex and sexy language. What compliments feel affirming now? What can you call your genitals? What other body parts do you want redefined, celebrated and affirmed? Let your partner know what to use.
• Explore an alter ego. Roleplay and kink dynamics are a fun way to give ourselves permission to play dress up, use our imagination and get new sensations.
• De-center cis fem body parts and celebrate, affirm, and explore centering your mouth, throat, thighs, feet, bum, give new sensations back, neck, shoulders, calves. If you engage in vaginal penetration, explore what it would feel like to be the penetrator or to use another orifice for receiving penetration.
• Costumes and kink-cessories. Do cuffs, harnesses, pasties, underwear or lingerie feel like gender fucking? What colours, textures and sexy clothing styles feel like a contrast to what you normally choose?
• Power exchange. Playing with dominance and submission in a light way, can help you explore outside of regular giving and receiving. Ask your partner if you can be in control of when they orgasm during oral or if they’d like to be blindfolded while you play with their body. Decide what dominant and submissive vibes feel affirming outside of cis femme vibes.

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