Q:

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years, and I know we’ll get married someday. We are deeply in love, and I have no doubts about our commitment to each other. She’s only had one girlfriend before me, and they dated for about 6 months. I don’t usually consider myself a jealous person, but anytime my girlfriend talks about her ex, I feel myself becoming overly interested in the details of their relationship. (One thing that bothers me a lot is that they used to have sex nearly everyday, and our sex life has recently fizzled a bit.)

I am so intrigued by this woman who helped my girlfriend realize she was gay. Recently, I’ve found myself looking her ex’s profile or looking at old pictures of them on my girlfriend’s Instagram multiple times a day. I zoom in on the pictures & take in every detail, even going so far as to note how she does her makeup and attempting to replicate it sometimes. I’ll ask my girlfriend questions about her or what their relationship was like just to hear more about her.

I don’t know where this obsession is coming from. Sometimes I feel like I hate my girlfriend’s ex, and sometimes I feel like I might be in love with her even though I’ve never known her in real life. Part of me feels like I “won” because I’m the one who will end up with my girlfriend, and I know that her ex really wanted to marry her. I know this obsession isn’t healthy, and I need to break this cycle. Why am I so intrigued by this woman, and what does it say about me & my current relationship?

Thank you for your help!

A:

With all the love in my heart: You gotta quit!

None of what you’re doing is inherently abnormal or signals there’s something wrong with you. It is a natural inclination for many to be intrigued by and maybe obsessed with a partner’s ex, especially when there is significant ‘lore’ around said ex (like, in your case, that she was your girlfriend’s FIRST and someone who helped her realize she was gay). You already know the behavior is unhealthy, so points for self-awareness! Maybe others will disagree with me, but I actually don’t think you need to spend a bunch of time figuring out what this says about you and your current relationship. I would focus on stopping these behaviors rather than over-analyzing them. They don’t have to speak to an underlying problem in the relationship necessarily. You might just be experiencing some classic jealousy and insecurity. We’re all flawed humans! Don’t beat yourself up about it!

It’s sooooooo easy to put an ex on a pedestal, and it’s actually even easier to put someone else’s ex on a pedestal. Your girlfriend was only with her ex for six months! Of course they had sex nearly every day! Six months is well within the realm of New Relationship Energy, when sex drives remain high. Especially if this was your girlfriend’s first time having queer sex, it makes sense! You’re three years into a relationship; it is normal, and sometimes even healthy, for sex drives to ebb and flow. It’s possible your girlfriend has only told you positive things about her last relationship because she views the relationship through rose-colored glasses. It’s also possible she wasn’t with her ex long enough for genuine conflict — a necessary part of intimacy imo! — to arise.

I have definitely not been immune to the curious pull of a partner’s ex in the past. I get it, I do. You’re intrigued by this woman because you’ve turned her into this fictitious demigod who has become an impossible metric to compare yourself to. It’s a natural human form of self-sabotage. Kill her in your mind! You don’t actually know her, and you don’t actually know how the relationship was. You can invent fictions all day, but all you’re doing is torturing yourself. Your girlfriend chose you; she is with you. Focus on her and on building something together, not trying to recreate something from the past. (That said, I would try to stop thinking of this as having “won” her; your girlfriend is a person with agency and autonomy.)

You might have to gradually quit some of these behaviors if they have become obsessive. Start by no longer asking your girlfriend about her ex. Delete the screenshots from your phone. If the ex keeps coming up organically without you asking and that ends up kicking off the cycle of obsession again, you should have a conversation with your girlfriend about your feelings. She likely has no clue you’re feeling any of this, and I worry that obsessing in secret will lead nowhere good. I was very honest with my wife when I found myself bizarrely obsessing over someone from her past, and our relationship was so much better for it.

I know these feelings can be frustrating, especially if you are not used to experiencing jealousy. But again, don’t beat yourself up; you’ll only make it worse. I would focus less on trying to understand the feelings (sometimes, there isn’t really logic or rationality to be found in these situations) and more on committing to ending the behaviors, which feed the feelings. Cut off the fuel, like the Instagram stalking and the questions about the relationship.

If there are things you’re feeling insecure about in the relationship, try to figure out what those are and address them directly rather than projecting them onto this shadow figure of the past. If the fizzle in your sex life is something you want to work on, do that. Don’t do it because of her ex; do it for you and for your relationship.

I am so sure you can quit this. The next time you have an urge to scroll or stalk, redirect yourself. Go on a walk, listen to music, journal. Make a list of everything you like about yourself. Make a list of everything you like about your relationship. Tell your girlfriend you love her. Her ex ultimately isn’t anything to you, so don’t give her so much space in your life.

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