The holidays are right around the corner and if you’re not sure what to get the stud in your life, fear not — our resident Stud Aunties, Mal and Tima, have nine (9) ideas for you and took the time to sit down and discuss not only those ideas, but the ideas behind those ideas.
1. Fitted Cap
Tima: You should get your stud auntie a fitted cap, because we can never have too many. It’s our safety helmet.
Mal: It’s our security blanket. Stud aunties can never have too many fitteds. Although I think I have one too many.
Tima: I don’t think that’s a possibility.
Mal: I think it’s the age range that matters. Because I think when you’re a stud auntie that’s approaching and/or over 40, fitteds give us headaches.
Tima: Why? That means it’s too small. You’re not getting the right size.
Mal: The skin on our foreheads gets sensitive. And it hurts. You’ve still got that youth on your forehead meat.
Tima: Yeah I’ve got my frontal lobe, it’s still small, it’s able to contain the fitted cap. I don’t wanna police your joy. Have as many as you want. Just go up a size.
2. All Black Double Sole Timberland Boots
Mal: I think you should gift the stud auntie in your life all-black, double-sole Tims.
Tima: That’s on my list too! Not all black but, I kid you not—
Mal: It’s a good one! They gotta be double-sole. Do not play your stud auntie and get single sole. That’s crazy.
Tima: Do not get the boneless Tims.
Mal: Do not get boneless Tims for anybody. I don’t care if they’re cheaper, you have to do something else.
Tima: The quality. Please and thank you.
Mal: Right, because the Tims be looking lowercase.
Tima: It’s like… your ankles should not be touching each other. Your ankles don’t need to get down like that.
Mal: Your soles shouldn’t be that close to the ground.
Tima: I shouldn’t be able to touch the sidewalk with my big toe.
Mal: And they’re brand new out of the box? That’s crazy. That’s like, soft bottom for adults.
Tima: That’s not cute.
3. A Year of Haircuts
Tima: I think you should get your stud auntie a year-long coupon for the barbershop to get free shape-ups for a year.
Mal: That.
Tima: You’re welcome.
Mal: THAT is good.
Tima: Can you imagine? I would get my hair cut every single hour. I’d be like, “I feel one hair growing back.” I’d have them shave my nonexistent beard. Mine aren’t even that expensive ’cause it’s not even my whole head!
Mal: Yeah that’s actually a really good one. A year-long gift certificate to your barber. And don’t send your stud auntie to Supercuts, don’t do that. That’s crazy.
Tima: The barber needs to share melanin. If they pull out the scissors like a barbershop quartet —
Mal: You’ve got to go to her barber.
Tima: Don’t have her cheat on her barber! Thank you.
Mal: Yeah don’t have her cheat on her barber. Get the gift card from the barber that she goes to.
Tima: Just give the barber a check for the year. Put the barber on retainer. Oh my God. Wow. That’s a marry-me gift, honestly.
Mal: I don’t even need a ring.
Tima: Just pay for my haircuts.
4. Socks for Tima
socks via the gap
Tima: This is for stud aunties but it really is just for me — I know this is a bad gift but it’s a great gift for me: socks. A lot of socks. ‘Cause I’m just in this era where I’m growing as a person and I never saw the importance of my socks matching, but now I’m starting to feel a little judged by people when they see my socks and I’m like, ‘Alright, my goal next year is to just have all my socks match now.’ So I think — y’all forget your stud aunties. Just send me socks. I’ll put up my PO Box.
Mal: I’m not gonna hold you, I have seen you with a mismatched sock or two.
Tima: Or two? When they match I’m like —
Mal: I just figure you know, ADHD, socks are hard, it’s not a big deal.
Tima: I’m like… unless it’s like part of my outfit, my long jeans are covering my feet.
Mal: No Tima, I’ve definitely seen you with mismatched socks in the summertime. With shorts.
Tima: Right ’cause I do not care! I literally will have one hospital sock, like from my surgery, and one tube sock — and my mom’s like, “Do you need some money?” And I’m like, no— I’m gonna get it together!
Mal: I like that. If you see her wearing mismatched socks — if you see something, say something.
Tima: If y’all see me in the blood clot street with two different socks on, mind your business. I’m happy.
Mal: But also, get her a pack of socks.
5. A Trust Fund
Mal: I think this might be a little different but you should open them up a little high-yield savings account and whatever money you were gonna spend, put it in there.
Tima: I like that! I like that. You know that we are toddlers so you gotta make a little college fund for us.
Mal: Exactly. It’s like a college fund but for an adult.
Tima: Give us a trust fund. We’re just a girl.
Mal: We’re literally just… just, a girl.
Tima: Take care of me. Please. I’m losing my mind.
6. Several Jars of Icy Hot
Mal: Get her some Icy Hot. About three or four jars of Icy Hot because you never know when you might throw a back out or throw a muscle out and you need to have that on deck. You’re gonna rely on that a lot more as you mature as a stud auntie.
Tima: Don’t you want her to be limber? You know what we have to go through?
Mal: That’s what I’m saying.
Tima: The cardio we have to go through!
Mal: That’s what I’m saying! Nothing like a little smell of your favorite cologne and menthol seeping through.
Tima: You walk around smelling like Shaq with the Icy Hot. It’s too much.
Mal: Most of us are retired athletes, so. Even you, Tima.
Tima: Most. Most is the key word. Some of us are just flirty music girls, I’m just like — I can’t play, I have rehearsal.
Mal: You might throw an elbow out. Icy Hot can go in a lot of places.
7. Spare Parts Joque Harness
Tima: I don’t know if I can say this next one.
Mal: Say it.
Tima: My Mom’s gonna come in.
Mal: Say it!
Tima: A strap that doesn’t fall out! One that stays intact.
Mal: A secure harness, is what you’re saying.
Tima: That’s it. Do you—?
Mal: One hundred percent, that should actually be #1 on the list. You need to help your stud auntie.
Tima: It’s not—
Mal: There’s literally no reason for you to be Loose Dick Larry at your big stud auntie age, that should not be happening to you. And I will die on that hill.
Tima: Help ME. Help ME Help YOU.
Mal: I would like to recommend — even though they’re not paying us for this — SpareParts Joque harness. You do look like you’re bungee jumping! However, ultimate control.
Tima: Spare Parts?
Mal: I’ll send you the link. I really will. I’ve sent it to so many friends. They’re like, “this changed my life.”
Tima: Oh my god, is it uncomfortable?
Mal: No, it’s extremely comfortable and you have so much control!
Tima: Cute!
Mal: That’s a great one. Because at that point it really doesn’t even matter what peen you put in it. You just need a good harness. One you can call your own.
Tima: Exactly!
8. Real Pajamas
via LL Bean
Mal: A pair of real pajamas. No more sleeping in basketball shorts and a beater.
Tima: But!
Mal: No.
Tima: But I’m happy this way.
Mal: No more.
Tima: Why do I have to wear an outfit to go to bed?
Mal: Maybe a nice little heather grey thin cotton sweatpant that’s cute.
Tima: I’m a stud, why do I need to go to bed looking like Ebenezer Scrooge? I don’t wanna—
Mal: You must put on real pajamas.
Tima: I love like a big t-shirt. I love a nasty big t-shirt, that’s my nightgown. I walk around like I’m four years old, looking at my girlfriend like, “I threw up, can you please help please?”
Mal: That’s actually hilarious.
Tima: My socks don’t even match! You want my pajamas to match?
Mal: Tima, you must get yourself a pair of real pajamas! Even if it’s a pair of basketball shorts that’s for sleep only. Please have a cute pair. Please.
Tima: At that point it’s not basketball shorts anymore. I’m not playing basketball in the shorts. I’m going to sleep! I wanna go to bed in my big t-shirt.
Mal: Enough of this.
9. Anything Whitney Houston
Whitney Houston T-Shirt via hella thrifty
Tima: I do have one that’s my personal ask but I feel like my stud aunties would agree — my one Christmas wish is for Destiny’s Child to get back together.
Mal: This is not for you. This is not for you!
Tima: But it is. It’s for everybody. I’m thinking about everybody. If you love me you will figure out how to get them back together. This is My Grown-up Christmas List.
Mal: For Destiny’s Child to get back together?
Tima: No more lives torn apart! “Say My Name” Part 2!
Mal: If you have a stud auntie in your life, I suppose we can all get together and hope that Destiny’s Child gets back together.
Tima: Yes, do like a séance. Or! How about anything Whitney Houston themed?
Mal: Okay.
Tima: Like — every stud auntie loves Whitney Houston. So gimme a shirt, a mug, a lock of her hair, I don’t discriminate.
Mal: Get the stud auntie in your life anything Whitney Houston.
Tima: Okay I’ll say that instead of Destiny’s Child, ’cause that’s not really doable.
Mal: A cup, socks,
Tima: Bring her back to life?
Mal: A lock of hair.
Tima: A lot of you femmes are witches. Bring her back to life.
Mal: Easy.
10. Playstation 5
Mal: You should get the stud aunties in your life a PlayStation 5 — or any game console that can allow them to stream, play a video game, and watch television.
Tima: So… stud aunties are 11-year-old boys?
Mal: Yes. AND! Resourceful.
Tima: Mal, is this about you? It sounds like you’re talking about — you are not a scrub but do you ever see the ‘men who are scrubs’ videos where they’re trying to get their girlfriend to buy them a Playstation and they’re like, “and it gets internet, so you can watch your makeup videos on it too!”
Mal: I’ve never seen that, but I agree with that idea. I don’t think that’s a bad idea. It’s a gift for US. I’m just trying to make sure we’re all taken care of.
Tima: What can I say — I’m a stud auntie and I’m not crazy about video games.
Mal: Do you like watching TV?
Tima: I like watching movies.
Mal: Okay, what about when your little niece and nephew come over? What are they supposed to do? ‘Cause you know you don’t got games on your phone.
Tima: They can go outside!
Mal: Who’s going outside?
Tima: They can do a worksheet.
Mal: What happens when your girlfriend’s little niece and nephew come over and you wanna spend time with her and you don’t wanna entertain the kids all that time? Put them on the PlayStation.
Tima: That’s true.
Mal: I have an X-Box. I barely know games. I play what they call “Cozy Games.”
Tima: I do like Overwatch. That’s cute. Okay. So get us a PlayStation 5.
Mal: And by “us” we mean the stud aunties in your life, not us. But if you wanna give it to us, we’ll take it.
