I Failed at Building Queer Community at College, How Do I Find My Way Back?
Q:
I felt so, so, so lonely at college. I didn’t fit in at ALL with the queer groups on campus, or anywhere. I guess I had high expectations, i went to a very good all-womens school and thought it was going to be this incredible time period for me. but i am introverted and looks-wise very blah, and i come from a different background than a lot of the people i met there, economically, and missed home and my friends at home, even though they’re all straight.
the classes themselves were great, but I felt like such a loser when other people would be going out and I just had not much going on. i made a few friends but nothing major. I stuck it out for a year because i was on scholarship and didn’t want to fuck with that, but ended up leaving and going back home, and back to my food service job.
i know I need to go back to school at some point, I can’t just not go to college…. but how do I make sure I find the right school for me? i do at some point want to have gay friends but my one experience with a gay community didn’t go very well.
A:
Summer: I was in a similar space when I did undergrad. My first few years at university were a transformative time in my life and I was both working harder and growing more as a person than any other time in my life. My social life suffered from the hectic pace. I transitioned deep into postgrad and got hit by a new wave of sadness because I never got to experience undergrad as my best self.
I want to emphasize to you that there’s an important difference between socializing with good people and pushing yourself to fit university norms. This is doubly important for us introverts because almost all socialization imposes a drain on us, so it needs to be for good reasons or we’ll burn out. I completely understand the FOMO of not having a more conventionally cool uni life, but universities should be places of diverse thought and living. There are people of every stripe and life is far more enjoyable when you find your people.
‘Your people’ doesn’t have to be the queer groups, either. I never meshed well with my on-campus queer organizations even though I was very openly queer. I found better friendships with literature nerds and gaming groups. Hinging your expectations on finding a great queer community might become blinders for the other lovely people. Especially if the queer group turns out clique-y or otherwise problematic.
When you go back to studying, keep your eyes open for all kinds of interest groups and opportunities to participate in. Even academic-adjacent ones can have good people. We introverts benefit far more from a few truly excellent friends than a horde of mediocre people.
Valerie: I agree with Summer that sometimes your community will come within a subgroup related to your extracurricular interests and not necessarily queer-specific organizations. Queer people have a gift for finding each other in all these types of groups, and I’ve always found it’s a better foundation for friendship when queerness isn’t the first (or worse, only) thing you have in common with someone. So join a book club or a pick-up league of a sport you love or a D&D group and find your people that way, then find the queers within. Also, while it’s important to find friends or at least support to make it through college, you don’t have to put pressure on those friendships to be your best friends; they just need to be friends enough to bring you joy and relief from the pressure of school and a way to fill free time. You’ll find your true community eventually, even if it’s not at school. I now have a robust network of queer people in my life who are my ride-or-dies, my found family, and I didn’t meet any of them until I was in my late 20s. Finding the right school for you will have to do with the classes available for what you want to do with your life, or what you want to study. Making sure there IS a queer presence on campus (and other such signs that the school aligns with your values) will help you know you’ll at least feel comfortable there, which is really all you need. It seems like a long-term commitment to pick a school, but even a four-year program goes by at a clip and will be a blip in your past before long. There is a place for you in the world, post-college, where you’ll find your people if you don’t find them there.
When Should I Bring Up Wanting Kids?
Q:
I’m dating. When should I bring up that I want kids within a couple years? First date? First message? After a little while? I’m worried about scaring people off, but I also don’t want to waste mine and my dates’ time.
A:
Summer: Well, Tinder profiles have the option to set your intention to have children right in the bio so people see it while considering you. If you date online, it’s very socially acceptable to put it in the bio or use an existing setting to set your intentions right away.
For in-person dating? I feel conversations about children come up organically within a couple dates. They don’t need to be about whether the people involved want kids, but children will surely be discussed in passing. That’s also a chance to turn the topic toward you and your date’s intentions about children. Since you’re worried about wasting time on incompatible partners, I’d mention somewhere between pre-dating chat and within the first few dates.
Valerie: I agree that this is something you can put in your profile and bring up within a few dates, but also I think you can rephrase it a little. “I want kids within a couple years” might feel like a lot of pressure on someone you just met. But you can say that “starting a family is a priority for me” or just emphasizing how important it is to you to have children someday. I once had a woman say to me “I’m not dating to have fun, I’m looking for someone to settle down with and marry” on our second date and it did, in fact, spook me. Then again, maybe being blunt and honest will help you find someone whose goals align with yours. But however you say it, saying it sooner rather than later is definitely important so you don’t end up tangled too deep with someone you discover doesn’t want kids at all.
Ashni: My vote is the second or third date. I think it’s commendable that you don’t want to waste your date’s time, but personally, I’d be stressed if I were on a date with someone and they presented me with the kids thing. And I say this as someone who wants kids, and soon! I’d be worried that they were just looking for a coparent rather than someone they were trying to build a life with. You could soft launch looking for something more serious by asking what your date is looking for on that first date, and then ideally, the topic of children can come up organically in conversation on subsequent dates. I’m a firm believer that first dates should be fun and easy, not high-pressure interview-style situations. To Valerie and Summer’s points, this is also something you can indicate on a dating app profile, so if you’re dating online, you can filter for folks who also want children, but again, I wouldn’t bring this up within the first few messages. Just way too soon, in my opinion!
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