It’s a dreary, drizzling day in New York City, and many people have decided to stay at home, cuddled in their warm beds, most sporting events likely cancelled, Prospect Park rather empty for a Sunday with minimal skateboards and soccer balls. And yet, under the pavilion just past the creek, bodies gather together in a circle for what is surely a prestigious athletic competition if even rain couldn’t stop it. Yes, unlike most other outdoor sports, Lesbian Pie Eating doesn’t stop on account of mediocre weather — pie eating is what we live for. A few clouds could never dim that passion.

I approach the gaggle of queers, a picnic table filled with eager competitors. Our wonderful host Zhané — who has somehow managed to bring every lesbian wet dream to life in just a few months, including lesbian oil wrestling — reads aloud the reasons each competitor decided to enter. These reasons vary, of course, but a common throughline is a desire to please, to love, and to show reverence for an art they shared deep respect for.

The competition setup is simple: Whoever finished their pumpkin pie first wins an award of $100 cash. No hands allowed or forks allowed; you had to put your face in the pie to win.

Some competitors bubble in excitement while others exude a shy cheekiness, as though they’re surprised they’re here, even though they had signed themselves up. As the competition begins though, everyone switches into an intensely focused mindset, each of them beginning to put their strategy together in their mind.

As the clock starts, faces dive into pies (no hands allowed!) quickly and with no hesitation. The realization of the intensity of this sport is suddenly visible on many competitors’ faces. Several discover the importance of hydration while pie eating, and others rise from the ashes and realize they were born to do exactly this.

***

I got to sit down with numerous competitors, both before and after the competition to understand their psyche and mental and physical preparation for such an important and strenuous event. I had the pleasure of meeting Lesbian Pie Eating NYC Winner, Kellan, and discussing his impressive performance firsthand. His passion for the sport was palpable in his focus and determination, not to mention the way his whole body shook as he ate. As he explains, it was nerves from his girlfriend watching. Kellan’s performance was so moving, his love for eating pie so clear, many other contestants stopped their own munching to cheer him on.

Kellan and I started with chatting about how long he’s been eating pie, to which he responded that it’s been a few years, so he’s definitely not a beginner, but he wouldn’t call himself a pro just yet either. He’s always working on things and looking to get better. We chuckled at the clear effectiveness of his growth mindset and how it served him his win. He claims he practiced quite often in the weeks leading up to this event just to be sure he was completely ready.

Luckily for Kellan, he had the perfect practice partner. His main inspiration for his performance was his girlfriend, who showed up to support in a black “eat pussy, it’s organic” T-shirt, almost as though she was completely certain of her partner’s impending win. Kellan says she’s his “favorite coach on the field” and that thinking about her is what got him through. Directly after his win, as she and everyone else shouted in celebration, he shouted that she’s taught him all he knows.

Along with showing out for his girlfriend, Kellan says his other reason for participation was to represent the trans community and do right by trans guys. If there’s anything to take from his win, he says it’s: “Text your t-boy! And if you don’t have one, get one.”

Seated directly next to Kellan was Mo Miller, who technically came in second place. Although there are no awards or cash prizes for second place, getting to the finish line still matters — it’s not all about speed!

Mo is pretty relaxed during our initial chat. They felt good heading into the competition. They’d always been a fan of eating a lot of food; even at a young age, they awaited dessert excitedly after a filling dinner. As a bonus, Mo had smoked in preparation and didn’t eat the entire previous day to ensure they were nothing short of ravenous for this event. They even volunteered to help move things for the event, just to work off any extra food that may have been lingering.

All of these measures make sense when Mo explains that their inspiration for this contest was watching the winner of the lesbian pie eating contest in Toronto. That moment made them realize they too were destined to join the ranks as a top pie eater.

Most importantly, Mo had something to fight for; that $100 prize would be going toward their rent. “I called my mom about this this morning”, they say, “cause I was like, I can’t afford rent but I’m going to win $100 eating pie.”

Even though Mo didn’t come first and didn’t get to prove themselves in the exact way they had hoped, they feel good about their performance. “I feel like I could win if I did it again,” they say. Most importantly, after eating an entire pie, they say they weren’t anywhere near full.

On the right of Mo was Mary Michael Quinn (MMQ), who I was able to reach both before and after the game. MMQ’s excitement and energy was palpable before we even spoke. Our conversation flowed seamlessly, as he was quite excited to share his own history with eating pie and love for the sport. They were introduced to the art in 2015 and said they’ve been “enthralled and entrapped” by it ever since, pie eating quickly becoming one of their favorite activities.

“I think my two talents in life are loving people and eating pie, and I’m content with that,” MMQ says.

MMQ took his mental preparation for today’s game particularly seriously, with “Pussy Is God” by King Princess and the Top Gun anthem playing on a loop in his headphones as he forced himself into the zone. He also made sure to get to know his pie intimately, talking to her and making sure to build an emotional connection. “I’m a bit demisexual, so I have to be emotionally connected to my pie to truly enjoy her,” he explains. They took things slow, getting to know her and slowly introducing pet names, making sure to keep things sweet in the lead up to their intent to “orally obliterate her” in the competition.

MMQ dedicates their performance to Reneé Rapp who they cite as their inspiration. They said they love to eat all kinds of pie and that Reneé and Towa Bird are always welcome for a tutorial. Secondarily, they gave their interviewer a shout out in the dedications for being “super hot.” What better captures the essence of a lesbian pie eating contest than a little harmless flirtation?

Post game, MMQ walked us through the mental fortitude it takes to really hustle in a pie eating contest. He didn’t particularly enjoy the pie but realized that, no matter what, he had to lock in — it was mind over matter. In the end, he was disappointed he didn’t win but expresses true joy for Kellan’s win. “They deserve it, they ate that pie down, licked it clean,” MMQ says.

Every contestant in this sport truly has respect for the art above all else, a reverence for those who love it just as much as they do. MMQ found Kellan’s performance to be inspirational in itself. Post pre and post game, MMQ’s major reflection was just how happy he was to be at the table. What a blessing it is to be able to eat pie at all!

“Plus, Destiny said I was New York’s messiest eater — and honestly, what’s better than that?” they share cheekily, still covered in the remnants of their game.

***

As the competition ends and the various queers congregating in the pavilion begin to trickle, I catch up with two other competitors, Destiny and Jordan.

Destiny says she’s been eating “gay pies” since she was very young, when one fateful day, she and her best friend decided to get a bit experimental in the bathroom. Destiny really is a veteran of the sport. Following her performance she, like many others, felt inspired by Kellan and specifically wanted to dedicate this to him. She says Kellan absolutely accomplished his mission in showing up for the sapphic trans guys. “This was extremely educational,” she says, “I didn’t know trans guys was doing it like that!”

All in all, she says she felt wonderful about participating because, particularly as she’s been doing a lot of lesbian events as of late, she really enjoys being a part of lesbian history. “You know what, I’m going to do this again and again and again, even if I don’t win, it was just nice,” Destiny says. “The vibes, the crowd, and the speeches were great. Lesbians are the funniest people on the fucking earth.”

As for Jordan, they had only begun eating pie this very year. They lament about their previous fears and repressed desires around eating pie. Finally embracing it has been so special to them. Coming to compete as a rookie was extremely brave, but Jordan mentioned they didn’t train at all — they wanted to just dive into the experience.

They dedicate this performance to themselves. They haven’t been to many lesbian events, and this certainly was the first they have ever participated in. The most important part of competing for them was putting themselves out there, having fun, and trying to build community. And they did exactly that.

Sporting events bring people together in joy and passion, and lesbian pie eating is no different. At the end of the day, everyone wants to experience the raw, unfiltered, and shameless excitement tied to sports, the ability to exit one’s mind and enter the body, to get swept up into the feelings of the crowd. Lesbian pie eating gives us the ability to use play and silliness as a method of connection and the space to connect with hundreds of people about what it feels like to be gay and alive right now!