Sarah’s Team Pick: Better Justin Bieber

Do you know how to make Justin Bieber sound good? If you answered “turn up the volume,” that is incorrect. The right answer is: slow down his songs 800%. Then he sounds like Sigur Ros, and your hipster heart can be happy.

Here’s Nick Pittsinger’s version of “U Smile,” really, really slowly:

As Gawker puts it, it’s “for the next time you’re super stoned and don’t have the Gladiator soundtrack with you.”

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Sarah lives in Chicago with her partner and her big white Great Dane. She is a lawyer by day and a beer brewer/bread baker/knitter by night. She & her partner are currently learning how to grow their own food, and eventually they hope to move to a small farm outside the city. In 2009-2010, before jetting off to law school, Sarah was Autostraddle's Managing Editor.

Sarah has written 127 articles for us.


  1. I’ve grown to like Justin Bieber… he’s like that annoying little brother going through puberty; you pick on him because you want him to do better. But he has GOT to stop dancing.

  2. I like this because I can’t understand a word he’s singing. That alone makes Justin Bieber more tolerable. Can we do this for Katy Perry?

  3. this is really soothing for my headache right now.

    but i think justin beiber on the radio earlier gave me the headache in the first place. conundrum.

  4. It’s like ‘hey, remember that time you picked an Autostraddle username because of how much you loved Taylor Swift?”. Yeah, it’s like that. But longer. Coz this shit is like 35mins long. I could bake a god-damn quiche in that kinda time. Sorry Justin, but you<quiche. Just sayin'.

  5. Right now as I am listening to this Justin Bieber song slowed down 800% I think of this:

    I was a long time ago, so long I don’t remember but the crashing waves jog my memory. It was the East and Sandy was the west where it was the worse of times and the best of times. Cookies, unicorns and rock n’ roll.

    *Clicks saves for when high….on life*

  6. whao. that was like imax, with sun cresting over beautiful mountainscapes and wonder/joy/awe/love, but all for my speakers.

    i downloaded the program it was made with (“paul’s extreme sound stretch”!) and made a beeline to lady gaga. oh, god. “telephone” at -800% is probably going to give me nightmares.

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