Welcome to the fourth recap of the third season of And Just Like That…., a spinoff of HBO comedy Sex and the City, a iconic little show about a 35-year old pastry chef who lived in Chelsea and got upset when there was a mouse in his kitchen but wasn’t gay but still seemed gay enough that Charlotte didn’t want to date him.

This week on And Just Like That, everybody gets a taste of the wild — wild children, wild cunts, wild sleep-talking, etc. Unfortunately nobody goes to Target to pick up some wild fable sweatpants, but believe it or not, somebody does almost got to Target for some wild fable sweatpants. That’s what life is, isn’t it? Just so many almosts, all in a row, like ants on a log marching towards their destinies in the sun. I for one have taken a LOT of cold medicine today!!!!!!!!!

We open in Sweet Home Virginia, where Carrie wakes up in lingerie and a designer gown to the dulcet tones of Aidan painting a whole-ass house with his sons, Homer and Wyatt. I think Homer is the same Homer who wrote the Iliad but I’m not sure so don’t @ me.

You all ever hear the Coldplay cover of “Old McDonald Had a Farm?”

As it unfolds over the course of the episode, we learn that Aidan’s strategy to cure Wyatt of his angst and malaise is to tightly curtail his screen time, deny him prescribed psychiatric medications and most importantly, paint an already-painted house.

Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hitting the cemetery?

The house-painting, he later explains to Carrie as she mounts an ATV with intentions to replace her towed-away wardrobe with local fineries from the Sister Wives Boutique, is a task he invented to keep Wyatt “out of his head,” the metaphysical space he will certainly inhabit were he to spend the day playing video games. Listen I’m not here to defend video games but as someone who once published an essay on erstwhile website Nerve.com about how playing The Sims got me through a torrid breakup in the sweltering midwestern summer of 2003 — video games are in fact excellent methods of distracting you from the perils of your mind! Doing unnecessary manual labor? That is like doing a staring contest with your fears and anxieties.

What do you think? This is the same outfit I wore when I stole Riese’s riding lawnmower right out of her pole barn in 2017

Back in the Big Appletini, Miranda’s living it up in Carrie’s mansion, feigning (or perhaps truly experiencing, who can say) delight to be woken up by Carrie’s cat leaping triumphantly upon her innocent face.

You know you are not the specific pussy I was hoping would sit on my face this morning

Elsewhere in this little city on the edge of our nation, Harry’s stressed out that his father Pop-Pop has come for a visit and is on the streets hunting for a newspaper despite the Death of Print. Rock is tapped into some kind of local Community Boards where neighbors share bananas with each other. Harry doesn’t want to throw away a banana ’cause he says he’ll make banana bread with it. This is relatable actually.

Well it says here that Fletcher *always* deletes her entire instagram history after releasing a new song

LTW’s agony over replacing Grace as an editor has led to severe sleep-talking that is rousing her husband from his peaceful sleep  — and she finds herself further conflicted when her assistant sets up an interview with a potential editor who is, believe it or not, A MAN. Also he’s hot.

You don’t *have* to wear enormous chunky necklaces. There are much lighter necklaces available at a number of fine retail establishments

I’m not so sure about that

LTW’s husband, increasingly disturbed by her talking in her sleep, eventually decides to relocate his bedchambers to the guest room until she selects and editor and thus remains silent during slumber. LTW’s distraught by this choice, claiming that sleeping in separate bedrooms is a one-way road to Divorcetown. This is bad news for Raven-Symoné and Miranda. Also for me…. but in our defense we have a newborn child…….

Seema’s uninterested in Ryan’s offer to continue working for him and thus must vacate the building. This is basically the same conclusion we came to last week but for some reason we get to see a little more of that.

Before we begin, we’re going to need your favorite steak knife and a small cutting board.

Ryan how many times must I tell you I’m not interested in hearing more abut Cutco Knives

Carrie calls Miranda from the Little Dress Shop on the Prairie, where she fingers the resplendent varieties of calico cotton on offer while Miranda shares some big news of her own — Joy from the BBC has personally requested Miranda go on-air to discuss the human rights she has been watching.

What does one wear that’s apropos for a party that’s also a crime?

Slips, anyone?

Miranda’s nervous about representing the needs of refugees from war-torn countries but also impressing Joy, because we contain multitudes. But when Miranda finally has her big on-air moment outside the U.N., she stumbles on her prepared remarks and, after saying “wild,” takes a particularly distinct pause between “count” and “ryside.”

Here I am standing outside the United Nations as democracy crumbles around me and a fascist dictator rises to power unchecked by the checks and balances of our alleged government

I feel like Aidan and Carrie’s whole relationship is him calling her little nicknames and then picking her up like a puppy and swinging her around while she giggles. Anyhow! Carrie shows up in her new Prairie Dawn getup and he’s like “aw my little Betty Sue Carry Lou My Darling” and my wife screams “CANCEL THIS SHOW!” and sometime around that time, everybody goes fishing!

“And just like that, I’m fishing,” Carrie says.

Ooof feels like I threw my back out trying to fit my character into this relationship

Speaking of fishing, Miranda’s “WILD CUNT” clip has gone viral, she’s become a meme and is humiliated even though “wild cunt” is actually a cool thing to say on television. I love a meme coming from C-Span as a headline, and I love this for Miranda!

Miranda is making ants on a log probably

She calls Brady who tells her not to worry, reminding her that “in a minute a celebrity will say something stupid and you’ll be over.”

Don’t we all, sis

Meanwhile in Virginia, Wyatt tries to end Carrie with a brutal over-the-head smash at Zombie Virtual Reality Zone, an apparently available activity in their town. He fails and she lives to fight another day!

I don’t know, Hollywood’s just doing everything in front of blue screens these days

Charlotte and Harry host a really special Shabbat dinner for Pop-Pop, Anthony and Guiseppe Hot Dough Boy and also Lily’s boyfriend, Diego, a ballet dancer. Pop-Pop says that in his day, boy ballet dancers didn’t have girlfriends, they had boyfriends. Anthony says that’s how it was in his day, too, and I’m prepared for him to share an explicit story about getting rammed up the butt by a ballerina in the bathroom at Limelight but instead, something much worse happens.

And then every time I clap my hands, the light turns on! Magic!

Diego says that he has a boyfriend as well — which is not the bad part because I love that for them. The bad part is that Pop-Pop asks Rock to explain because, I think, Rock is non-binary and Pop-Pop thinks that means Rock knows all the lingo. Thus Rock says that Diego is “polysexual, attracted to multiple partners simultaneously.” What?

Keep the word “poly” out of your f*cking mouth

I’m dressed like Dwight from The Office, I can do whatever I want

Okay so first of all! I think he meant “poly” as in “polyamorous” — dating multiple partners at the same time. But also, “polysexual,” a word I had actually never before heard in my life, means “the sexual attraction to various, but not necessarily all, genders.” Anyhow who knows what Pop-pop is going to do with this misinformation! Maybe he is going to go boink Annie from Orange is the New Black, who plays a weirdo neighbor in this little program.

Back in Virginia, Aidans doing another lookie-loo at his dinky-doo Carrie-Prairie in her Trad Wives dress wondering if she’s about to make him a Cosmopolitan from scratch starting with planting a cherry tree. Then his whole entire arrives to celebrate his oldest son, Tate’s, 21st birthday.

You will not BELIEVE how fast this little bitty skips to the loo my darling!!!!

Miranda calls Carrie to tell her that Joy cancelled her post-dinner drinks date with Miranda — claiming that work ran late, thus causing her dinner with friends to be pushed later, thus eliminating the time slot in which Miranda’s drinks previously fit. Carrie suggests Miranda invite Joy and her friends over for a nightcap — a lovely idea!

I saw this beautiful green velvet couch on the internet that I think would really spruce up the space

Joy accepts Miranda’s invitation to bring her friends to her temporary mansion to keep the party going with Carrie’s multiple bottles of wine and also a bottle of gin that Joy’s friends keep talking about.

Oh my God are you the same Cynthia Nixon who played Alice in the 1982 TV film “Rascals and Robbers: The Secret Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn”???

I am

Joy’s friends continue delighting each other with anecdotes I alas, can no longer recall, but Joy seems removed and not particularly engaged. Miranda can’t read her. Her friends don’t seem concerned. I wonder what is going on!

JUNIOR MINT IN THIS MOUTH NOW

Harry and Charlotte attempt to have sex but Harry can’t get it up. “Knock knock, who’s there? Old age,” says Harry, which is a huge turn-on. Charlotte says one day the warranty on his dick might expire, but they’ll still be Harry and Charlotte in love, even without sex.

Okay fine I’ll go see what the masked invader wants this time

Then Rock shows up and says Pop-Pop broke his iPad trying to download porn and also has left the home to hook up with their neighbor. I would like to know what kind of porn!!! Nobody cares what I want. Especially Harry, who instead of asking what kind of porn it is, says, “there’s life in the old banana yet.” Thank GOD

At the Virginia Homestead, a game of Apples To Apples devolves into a larger family fight in which Wyatt feels like nobody gets him because nobody picked his answers, and Tate and Homer think everything is always about Wyatt and Kathy is like “give him his meds!!!” and Aidan is like, “Bob can’t have opinions!” Tate says this birthday blows!

Now that we’re all here we can get down to business and discuss who took the cookies from the cookie jar.

Wyatt throws something into the window. and the glass breaks and Aidan goes on a swim and Carrie stands on the porch staring into the middle distance, feeling sad.

Miranda, because she is a woman of the world who has been around the block a few times and ultimately is devoted to getting down to business, stops Joy from leaving too quickly, asking what’s going on — Joy seemed distant and avoided eye contact all night. Miranda suspects the Wild Cunt meme is the culprit, despite that being the coolest thing she’s done since bringing a stack of New Yorkers to the Hamptons.

Look I hate to ask but my pocket rocket needs just one AAA battery ?

Forget your pocket rocket you’ve got me right here

Joy says that’s not it at all actually, the real thing is that when she is attracted to someone, she shuts down. I understand this as a concept but not in the context of how it played out in this episode, which has left me quite honestly befuddled! Anyhow let us not dwell on such things when instead we can celebrate that Miranda and Joy are making out.

We end with a little bit of an emotional twist. Aidan apologizes — he’s sorry, he shouldn’t have invited Carrie to stay, but he did ’cause he felt guilty that she’d come all the way out here and he couldn’t ask her to stay. Odd for him to say that when the words “I really wanted to spend time with you” also exist!

Okay now repeat after me — “Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here”

Then Carrie admits that she has really just been pretending to believe that he needs to be there but not really believing it but now that she has seen the dysfunction in action, she gets it. She won’t come down again. She’ll give him the space she needs and buy her own table. She will return to her mansion to write her historical knowledge and exterminate rats and wear large hats. And I will publish this recap, knowing that it is missing quite a few plot points and a lot of conversation, because I am sick but also doing my very best, and isn’t that all any of us can do, at the end? Even, maybe, Aidan.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!