For most of my life, I identified firmly (and proudly) as a bottom. Until a few months ago, I never really questioned the provenance of that identity, but lately I’ve been contemplating if it’s because I was socialized as a woman, or because my early queer media exposure was very “masc top, femme bottom”, or if I simply just… wanted to be held. If we’re being honest, it’s probably a combination of all three. But it wasn’t until my ex and I ended things and I started going on dates with women who just assumed I was a top, that I (cue Carrie Bradshaw typing on her computer) started to wonder if the answer to the supposed top shortage lay inside me all along. What if these women were right? What if I was the femme top I had been chasing all along?
Seasonally, my questioning was appropriate. The deciduous trees lining Prospect Park are just beginning to shed their leaves, it’s apple season at the local farmers markets, and most importantly, it’s Femme Top Fall. What better time to embrace the femme top identity than right now?
What is Femme Top Fall?
If you haven’t heard of Femme Top Fall, you’re not alone. Femme Top Fall is a seasonal celebration of femme tops that I could have sworn was firmly in the zeitgeist, but when I mentioned the holiday season to my sapphic sports league teammates (two different sports, so a different enough sample size), more than half of my teammates hadn’t heard of Femme Top Fall! Turns out the Internet is vast, and we exist in different corners. In at least one case, the conversation devolved into a heated debate over dom femmes versus femme tops, and we concluded they are decidedly different, though both are hot.
Embracing Your Inner Femme Top
I’m a firm believer that the best tops are former bottoms! This is perhaps a self-serving take, but I do think there’s merit to the idea. We know what works, because it’s worked on us (save for the usual caveats that everyone’s experience is different, bottoms are not a monolith, etc etc).
ANYWAY, if you’re a soon-to-be-former-bottom reading this piece, it’s time to step up and do your part to end the top shortage. The future belongs to us, former bottoms.
Borrow From Media
The easiest way to lean into your inner femme top is to steal your favorite femme top’s energy! My favorite femme top is Shego (yes, the animated villain from Kim Possible) which means that if I’m topping, I’m trying to stay one step ahead of my counterpart’s plans. If your favorite femme top is closer to a Bette Porter (slightly less evil, maybe), consider taking your date to an event where you can show off your skills. Competence is hot.
Channel Your Want
I know that there is a part of you that is demanding, that wants things. The bottom experience comes with inherent want. It’s the same want that powers tops IMO, just directed in a different way. Tap into that want, and I think you’ll find that topping comes quite naturally. Also, bottoms stop saying sorry challenge! Obviously, apologize if you do something wrong, but don’t apologize for being bossy. Take up space.
Take Your Time
Topping is a skill, it turns out, and it takes time and practice to refine. I have a newfound respect for the Tops of My Past (lol) now that I’m trying on a different role. Be patient with yourself, and ideally, find a patient bottom who’s willing to let you try things out and experiment.
Dive Into The Archives
There’s a wealth of knowledge about how to top on this very site from seasoned tops and people who love them! Check out Summer’s excellent answer to this person who wants to top more, A.E. Osworth’s guide to being a BDSM top (even if you’re playing in a vanilla way, many of the same general principles apply!), or Motti’s killer list of the top 15 Most Top Things He Does.
Even if the Femme Top identity isn’t something you hold forever, embrace the season by dipping a toe into the top waters right now. Who knows, maybe you’ll love it!
