‘Do I Count As Bi?’

Q:

Hi, I wondered if you could help me!

I’ve always identified as straight but in recent years have questioned my identity. I grew up in the conservative south where cis-het was just kind of assumed so I didn’t get a lot of opportunities to explore and experiment in young adulthood.

I’m now in my 30s, and most of my friends are queer (the whole spectrum: bi, trans, nonbinary, gay, lesbian, ace, etc). I feel very comfortable in queer spaces.

I generally am attracted to men and nonbinary masc people (like Mae Martin), and did have a crush on a woman once, but it was fleeting and turned into a very solid friendship. I have opened my dating apps to all genders, but besides the one crush, I don’t usually feel attracted to women. At the same time, I am very open to any new experience in my life and wouldn’t rule out being attracted to a woman in the future.

I am trying to determine what label would be the best for me. I realize I don’t HAVE to pick a label, but I’m also a young adult author with a debut releasing that has LGBTQ rep, and I know readers will ask me. I want to have an answer that is true for me and also does not harm anyone or appropriate anything.

I feel like if I say I’m straight, that’s not totally true (but maybe that’s just because I want to fit in with my friends). If I say I’m mostly straight but open minded, that feels like bi erasure. If I say I’m bi, that feels like appropriation. If I say I’m still exploring or questioning, it sounds like I should know already, because I’ve been in this phase for YEARS.

Do I count as bi?

A:

Yes, you ‘count’ as bisexual. You’ve experienced attraction to men, nonbinary mascs, and a woman. You’ve experienced attraction to more than one gender, and that’s really all there is to it. There’s no more criteria to be met! Well done, you’re one of us! I’ll elaborate because it might not sound that simple to you.

Doubting one’s own sexuality is one of the most common bisexual things. Spending years questioning yourself ironically aligns you more with bisexuality than you realize. It’s called the bi-cycle, and you’ll be on and off it for a long time. Some people never quite figure it out and that’s okay. I’m at 12 years and counting.

Real talk: I don’t know if you’re bisexual. That’s not to say I doubt you. I believe everything you wrote in. It’s just that I can’t read your mind. You say you’ve had one fleeting crush on a woman, and people do have anomalous crushes outside of their sexual orientation now and again. But also, most bisexuals have a preference for one of their main genders of interest. So I understand your confusion and frustration.

The very annoying and very true thing about this is that only you can know the answer. At the end of the day, you’re the only person who gets to pick your label, even if that label is ‘N/A’. That said, finding your label is important to you, so let’s try and clear things up.

Your identity doesn’t erase those of others

One particular point in your write-in that stuck out to me was the feeling that it would be ‘bi-erasure’ to label yourself as “mostly straight but open minded”. I want to assure you that your sexuality won’t harm other queer people. If you decide that ‘bisexual’ isn’t the term for you and something like ‘bi-curious’ is more your speed, the rest of us bisexuals lose absolutely nothing. In fact, queerdom gains something by having a new person who is comfortable and open about themselves. Win-win.

If what you’re worried about is erasing your own bisexuality by choosing a less firm label, I’m here again to assure you that’s not the case. You don’t read as someone struggling with internalised homophobia to the point that you’re trying to explain away your attraction to women. You come off as someone who has experienced just enough same-sex attraction to question, but not enough to conclude. If you do pick a label other than ‘bisexual’, then you’re not erasing your bisexuality, you’re getting closer to who you are. This isn’t a trade-off we must impose on ourselves.

Even if you identify as bi-curious or ‘straight but questioning’, queer people should have a pretty good idea of what that means. Many of us have been there. The world presumes cis-heteronormativity as a default state, so almost all of us had to go through a period of questioning and flexible identities before reaching our conclusion. I still think that you meet the ‘criteria’ for bisexuality. Nobody can stop you from declaring yourself bi.

There is no singular queer experience to appropriate

I understand that when you’re a baby gay, it can be nerve-wracking to label your identity and speak about it. What if your experience isn’t like other people’s? What if you’re telling a story that no one else relates to? What if you’re taking up space that other, more qualified queers could benefit from?

Let’s put the brakes on that train.

No two queer lives are the same.  We relate hard to a lot of common threads, but actually isn’t a checklist or definitive bisexual narrative that must fit you. Your story is real to you, which makes it as real as everyone else’s. Your attraction to that woman — whether or not a one-off — was a genuine queer experience. You can’t appropriate it because it’s already yours.

I’m sure you won’t barge into queer spaces and claim authority on being the defining bisexual experience. There are stories that won’t be yours to tell, like ones with a more equal split in gendered attraction. You only have experience of queerness within your socio-cultural and ethnic norms, so you won’t have much authority on someone else’s. If you lead with openness and honesty about where you are, I think you’ll find commonality with other bisexuals.

Heteronormativity hides queerness

No matter what you do with the label, it’s a good idea to speak to the bisexual people you know about how they figured out their sexuality. The heteronormativity of your upbringing is a good starting point.

For a lot of bisexual women, default feminine socialization can make it hard to recognise crushes on other women as romantic in nature. Heteronormative upbringings might reframe our romantic interest as a desire to be really good friends with another woman. It might convince us we’re only super hung up on her beauty because we wanna know how she does it. Or that we just want to be around her because she’s so pleasant. The envy we feel for her partners might start sounding like protectiveness.

Look, women are cool. It’s normal to want friendships with them. However, you’d be surprised by the number of closeted gay women who trick themselves into thinking very gay behavior among friends is just ‘girl stuff’. The originator of Just Girly Things did marry a woman. My friends got part of their queer awakening while playing Sims and making their girl sims kiss. It’s more obvious in hindsight.

I want to spotlight a point you made: You don’t need a label yet. There’s no deadline for figuring yourself out. Queer people are among the finest company for those who are sexually uncertain, so you’ve got lots of time. You can be undecided for as long as you want, or try labels on for size in the interim. I just think the bisexual label fits you, and you can wear it until you want something different.