She’s a “10” But She Uses AI… Like, a Lot

I’ve been seeing this girl for a few dates and it’s going great, great chemistry, convo, similar interests, great banter. She has taken waymos to dates which I side-eyed but whatever, she’s had icky experiences with uber/lyft drivers, okay, I can handle that.

But now she’s starting to talk about Claude, there’s a new version apparently….. I am anti-AI. Everything else about this girl is great. I think, for her job, she works in tech, there’s some AI inevitable in that, but this was her saying that she uses Claude to help her sort through feelings and organize thoughts to communicate with her boss, and to recommend places to visit for a vacation. i don’t know, like, is this the future and I just have to deal with it, and unless I wanna date someone super radical I’m gonna have some AI in my life? I’m a realist ultimately, but also, I’m smart and I have concerns about the future of humanity.

Valerie: I think this is just something you have to decide for yourself. To your point, there’s always going to be some AI in your life (and has been for a long time; there’s AI in algorithms, in-home virtual assistants, and yes probably some aspects of her tech job) but that’s different than using generative AI for things that you could talk to a real human about instead. (Or Google, to find real human articles written by real human beings.) Using generative AI for things like where to go on vacation takes away the human aspect of reading about people’s personal experiences, vs what the robot skimmed from a resort’s official website. ESPECIALLY for queer people (and people of color), hearing from other people how their vacation went is going to be much more valuable than what “Claude” can piece together, likely from polished PR sites and sponsored travel blog posts. For me, using generative AI chatbots is a non-starter. (For many reasons, not the least of which is that as a writer my livelihood is literally at stake since people think they don’t need human writers anymore because they have AI.) I think chatbots don’t HAVE to be an inevitability if enough of us just refuse, and maybe that’s naive of me, but as of right now, they are not a necessity, so that is a line I personally have drawn in the sand and will stand here firmly as long as I’m able. I would not be able to date someone who relied on chatbots to communicate with their boss instead of doing what the rest of us have been doing for years and just asking a friend to bitch-read an email for us to make sure we sound professional and not too emotional. You just have to decide where your line is. And if your line is that you can’t date people who use generative AI so casually, come on over, the water is…well, still here for now.

Summer: oh lawdy another AI post. Your title made me laugh pretty good. I’m very anti-consumer LLM, but I’m relieved to see one from an asker who isn’t dealing with a blatantly disastrous situation.

My stance on someone using LLMs isn’t hardline. I recognise that LLMs have a place in certain productions or lives and can be a very useful assistive tool. Machine learning more generally has enabled extraordinary advances in healthcare, disability assistive technologies, and public safety. Many of these technologies are nothing less than lifesaving. However, consumer LLMs (ChatGPT, Claude, etc.) have been a protracted disaster in their social and economic impact. Those are the kind that must be used responsibly and very critically to extract value without compromising on sanity or ethics. I very explicitly avoid them, but some industries (like tech) lean heavily on them. Your date’s work is probably an important part of her life and some of its ‘productivity’ features could very reasonably filter into her personal life. That alone isn’t the end of the world.

When the opportunity next arises, I’d consider discussing the broader topic of LLMs, their societal impact, and ethics. It’s a hot and relevant topic, and her responses will give you an idea of where she stands. Is she one of those at-all-costs pioneering frontrunner types who is perfectly fine with its negative impact in exchange for ‘productivity’? Is she a casual user who’s aware of some of its shortcomings but hasn’t fallen down the rabbit hole? Is she a genuinely critical user who is taking the value she can get out of a destructive technology to preserve her life in a difficult and unfair world? Does she treat the LLM as a mechanical assistant that mimics human behavior or does she personify it as a living being? You’ll learn by talking to her. She could be far more reasonable than she’s letting on, or completely radioactive to you. One way to find out, right?

Nico: Why did they have to name that one Claude?

So, in my opinion when it comes to dating, the problem with someone using generative AI for things like planning vacations or tone-checking emails is that you as a human do not necessarily learn as much from having the AI do these things for you as you would even asking another person to help and talk to you about it. It’s growth-stunting behavior. You’re allowed to be hardline about this. There are plenty of people who pretty categorically refuse to use LLMs / generative AI in their personal lives, they are out there, and you can find them — especially in a city big enough to have Waymos. If you’re going to maintain that line, though, you two just might not date. I think that asking her about her thoughts, getting a sense of where she stands, understanding how much she is required to use AI for her job vs how much of her use is completely voluntary AND finding out where she stands on other issues that are important to you, will all inform you about your compatibility. Does she feel like she’s not confident when it comes to proofreading her emails and so she makes the questionable decision to use AI to check them, but she’s gone to trainings on rapid ICE response? Then, she might just be yet another complex human doing her best in the world and fumbling here and there like we all do. Or does she use Gen AI, take Waymos, buy all kinds of things from Amazon all the time, go to Starbucks, say that reading the news is too much for her mental health, not think that writing is a valuable skill that should be compensated, and not look out for her neighbors? There are several if not many different ways this can go, and part of dating is getting to know someone. So, in this instance, I think that is where you start!

So, I’ve been in a committed, monogamous relationship for about a year and I’m genuinely happy—like, zero desire to leave. But I still find myself getting these tiny, harmless crushes on coworkers or people at the gym. It’s usually just a little ‘oh, they’re cute/funny’ flutter, and I’d never act on it, but is this a bad sign? Or is it just a normal part of being a human with eyes?

Summer: If you don’t act on it, I don’t see the issue. All people experience attraction differently. Some (me) develop it faster and more intensely than others. It becomes a hindrance when it makes life harder for us or our partners. Do these side attractions ever lead to pursuit (trying to get closer to the crush, learning lots about them)? Do they negatively impact your opinion of your partner? Is your partner okay with them (conceptually)?

If they’re at the level of small, fleeting moments, I don’t think your partner even needs to learn about them. But nip that kind of thing in the bud if you can, ya know?

Ashni: Definitely not a bad sign! I think crushes are harmless and normal and part of being a human who experiences attraction to other people. IMO it’s probably worth exploring further if the crushes are pointing to a lack of something in your relationship, but it doesn’t sound like it. It just sounds like you’re seeing hot and funny people, and experiencing mild attraction to them! For all you know, your partner could be crushing on people too. Everyone’s definition of monogamy is different, and so long as you’re operating comfortably within the boundaries of what you and your partner have agreed to, I see no issues. Keep crushing <3

Valerie: I agree with what Summer and Ashni said! As long as it’s truly just crushing from a distance, and not something that’s lingering (e.g. thinking about them a lot when they’re not around, having an escalating flirtationship with them, etc.) it seems harmless to just acknowledge when you think someone is attractive and/or funny/cool/charming, etc. Just maybe gut-check yourself now and then to make sure it’s truly just a fleeting crush feeling and not a longing or something deeper that would mean you might need to extract yourself from the situation or reflect on what that might mean for you and your relationship. But from the way you described it, it just sounds fun! Having harmless, meaningless crushes on coworkers was one of my favorite pastimes when I worked in an office.