16 Food-Related Euphemisms For “Female Masturbation”

May is National Masturbation Month! In celebration, here are sixteen ways to talk about doing you for when you want to pretend you’re not talking about doing you and would rather just talk about food.

  1. cooking cucumbers
  2. fondling the fig
  3. polishing your peanut
  4. spearing the bearded clam
  5. stirring the honey pot
  6. getting a bit of Southern Comfort
  7. rolling the dough
  8. shucking the oyster
  9. basting the tuna
  10. clouting your cookie
  11. buttering your muffin
  12. making soup
  13. teasing the tuna taco
  14. softening the peach
  15. tossing the pink salad
  16. slicing pie

Found in Outbursts!: A Gay and Lesbian Erotic Thesaurus, by A.D. Peterkin, and on Reddit.

Feature image via Shutterstock.


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Carolyn Yates is the NSFW Editor and Literary Editor for Autostraddle.com. Her writing has appeared in Bitch, Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Xtra!, Jezebel, and elsewhere. She recently moved to Los Angeles from Montreal. Find her on twitter.

Carolyn has written 783 articles for us.

21 Comments

    • do you mean menstruation or masturbation?
      Cause these are about masturbation, for instance, in “flicking the bean”, “the bean” really means the clit.

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