“I wouldn’t put it past Melissa Etheridge to presciently write a song about me and this cat 19 years before our love manifested.”
“Waking up at noon is just one of the many perks of being self-employed, working mostly at night, and not having too much pesky ambition.”
Whether it’s self-imposed deadlines, dinner dates or my menstrual cycle, you can count on me to be at least five minutes to weeks late.
“She was probably going to kick me out. No, she was probably going to call the police. I was going to jail. I was definitely going to jail.”
BUT I’M A COMEDIAN! THIS FEELS WEIRD! WHY IS IT RAINING FROM MY FACE? I DON’T LIKE WEATHER COMING OUT MY EYES.
“Why are my arms so skinny? People can be friendly. Fuck, she’s so cute. Am I getting enough iron?”
“Should I apologize for introducing you to sexy lesbian Lincoln? I don’t want to. I’m not sorry.”
“Psychic Sarah asked me to meditate with her. I did.”
“But you loved it, because it was the one material that could be a shirt, sheets, pajamas or a hand-sewn menstrual pad.”
“Also, you’re welcome. Because let’s be honest, that was a drunken and flexible decade.”
b.) Did I already miss The View?
“Let’s use a metaphor. Let’s say Lindsay Lohan is the moon, and Samantha Ronson is Earth.”
“Much like a tender baby lamb…”
“It’s weird being, like, the fourth lesbian couple to walk into a restaurant.”
“I was drawn to her like a vocally homophobic right winger is drawn to a secret gay sex life, which is to say completely and unfailingly.”
“And don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying there are only two ways of being a lesbian. There are probably at least two and a half, if you count Melissa Etheridge. “