Quiz: Which Lesbian Shark Are You?

I’ve been in a shark horror kick as of late, trying to watch as many entries in the canon as possible. Jaws is one of my favorite movies of all time, and while I was technically aware many a copycat had been made through the years and the wonderful world of shark-centric cinema was as vast as the sea itself, I still wasn’t quite prepared for just how many schlocky shark movies there are out there. None come close to touching Jaws, but many are fascinating in their own ways. You would think there are only so many ways a filmmaker could invent a BIGGER BADDER FASTER SMARTER shark, but alas, they keep on taking a stab at it! Anyway, let my latest obsession become yours as you take this shark-themed personality quiz, whose overall message is also meant to suggest: All sharks are lesbians.

Which Lesbian Shark Are You?

What statement best describes your relationship to sharks?(Required)
What word would you most likely use to describe a shark?(Required)
Pick a Jaws or Jaws-adjacent film:(Required)
Pick a non-Jaws shark film:(Required)
Which of the following shark behavioral traits most resembles a behavioral trait of your own?(Required)
Pick a non-shark sea creature:(Required)
Would you ever go shark cage diving?(Required)
You’re in a beachtown gift shop. What novelty item are you most likely to buy?(Required)
Pick an image:(Required)
Pick a seafood restaurant app:
Pick a body of water:(Required)
What are you known for in your friend group when you are all somewhere together?(Required)
What statement best reflects your love life?(Required)

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The AV Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1086 articles for us.

2 Comments

  1. I got Hammerhead Shark!

    “Body tea? More like Body T (literally their bodies are shaped like a T). Hammerheads have a wider field of vision than other sharks, so if you get this answer, you too can see more than meets the eye and therefore are a good friend for analyzing dyke drama.”

    I feel this is all very true but I did feel embarrassed about having to pick the “I’m terrified of sharks please don’t make me see another picture of them” answers for quite a few questions. The idea that all sharks are lesbians does make me a little more endeared to them, however – doing god’s work, Kayla!

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