Sex/Life is a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polycules, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. We send them nosey questions, they record themselves answering them, and we transcribe that conversation for all of us to enjoy. All names have been changed and any identifying details removed.

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River (nonbinary dyke) and Mason (trans butch dyke) are both 21 and based in New York City. River’s an art history major who works at Trader Joe’s and Mason’s a barista going back to school for medical lab science in the fall. At the time of this interview, they’d been dating for around seven months, but hooking up for a couple months longer than that.

And this is how they fuck.

What was your sex life like when you first started dating? How is that different from now?

River: When we started hooking up casually I was also seeing someone else at the time — so I feel like my attention was pretty split. But in the end I picked you.

Mason: True.

River: I feel like I was definitely trying to play it cool and mysterious and I tried to be sexy all the time. I was a little unsure of the height difference — I’ve never been with someone with such a big height difference! So at first that was an obstacle.

Mason: For context, I’m 5 feet and River is 5’7”.

River: You’re 4’11”.

Mason. Okay, yeah I’m 4’11”.

[laughter]

Mason: That was basically what I said! Since it was more casual in the beginning, we did just have sex every time we saw each other, which isn’t sustainable. Or what you’d want long-term. We don’t have sex every time we see each other anymore.

River: But we still pass out and wake up at 4am confused after sex.

Mason: Yeah, we do still fuck and then immediately fall asleep.

River: And I say “I love you” in missionary now.

Mason: True! Big change, big change. Oh yeah, I used to write tankas after every time we had sex.

River: Because he was courting me.

Mason: So we do technically have less sex than when we first started.

River: And I feel like I’m more vocal now.

Mason: Interesting! I would not have that read. I think you’re quieter.

[Laughter]

River: You think I’m quieter now?

Mason: Yeah.

River: Really?

Mason: Volume-wise, at least.

River: Really?!

Mason: Yeah! You’re way quieter now than you used to be. I feel like you talk less.

River: That’s interesting.

Mason: It’s interesting that you don’t think that!

River: Wait, why?

Mason: Well, because I feel like when we were first hooking up, we were talking the whole time, so loudly. You’d just be babbling. You’d be like, “Oh, good. This is good. This is awesome. This is good. Love. Love what’s happening. Yeah. More. Yes.” Sex words.

River: I was giving you affirmations. I still talk.

Mason: You still do! I just think… less.

River: I think I’m more confident. I was definitely putting on my sexy performance that I always do when I hook up with people. I have a front. And now I don’t!

If you don’t live together, how has that impacted your sex life?

River: We live an hour away by train. So it’s a long distance relationship, essentially. We’ve talked about moving in eventually.

Mason: But we haven’t been dating long enough and we’ve seen that factor impact other people and other relationships around us. So we’re not in a rush.

River: Also we both like our living situations.

Mason: I think living an hour apart inclines us to meet in the middle, get out of the house, like “let’s meet somewhere and then go back to one person’s house” rather than going straight to each other’s houses.

River: Yeah, makes sense.

Mason: It’s also like when we’re seeing each other, it’s more intentional — we’re more likely to have sex ‘cause we can’t just do this any night.

River: And I usually leave my dildos here.

Mason: There’s been an exchange of toys. But also, the commute can be so tiring! Like “God, now I don’t have the energy to do anything I just want to go to bed.” So it can kind of go both ways. Those things are true on different days.

River: It makes me more inclined to stay over for extended periods of time because I don’t want to do the hour commute.

Mason: I could see the same for living together, where it could be both ways — “Oh, we’re just together all the time, so we’re always fucking,” or it’s like, “Oh, we’re together all the time, so we’re always not fucking.”

River: Yes, that’s why I think if we do end up living together, we should make things more intentional — like going out, having dates.

Mason: We don’t know if we’ll have that problem yet.

River: Only time will tell!

If you are parents or caretakers, how has this impacted your sex life?

Mason: The closest we get to being caretakers is that me and my roommate have a dog, and my roommate’s an actor, so she’s sometimes out of town for weeks at a time, so then I’m watching him and can’t spend the night anywhere else. So we stay here more and since my roommate’s not home, we are louder. Or we fuck on the couch.

River: Naked, in the kitchen.

Mason: Yeah.

River: And my roommate has a cat, but she doesn’t leave a lot. But the times that she does, I have to take care of her.

Do you have a top/bottom dynamic? Talk about that.

River: I’m a bottom! But I’m not a pillow princess. I like to think I’m a power bottom.

Mason: Okay, okay.

River: You don’t think so?

Mason: No, I don’t! I was gonna say that I feel like at heart, we’re both verse and switch.

River: Yes.

Mason: But I think in this relationship I’ve definitely leaned into a like—

River: Daddy?

Mason: Stone dom top. Which I feel great about. And I like this a lot more than I have in other relationships where it’s been more evenly split. I definitely like to top more.

River: You told me about your top mindset, which I’d never known anything about. I used to be kind of insecure about how much I was bottoming until you told me about your top mindset, and then everything became clear.

Mason: Actually yeah, and that was something that I got from the Autostraddle Good Boys podcast. Love.

River: Whoa!

Mason: I’m gonna be so real, I’ve only listened to a couple episodes I don’t even remember the names of the people on it. But the guy who’s not Motti was talking about how he simply has the heart of a top. He was talking with his girlfriend about that, and it just resonated! You simply can have the heart of a top, and I think I do. There’s a lot of discourse in the community about top and bottom, and sub and dom.

River: Yes.

Mason: Like, Audre Lorde has a lot about being anti-BDSM and anti-recreating patriarchal sex roles during sex but—

River: I don’t agree with that.

Mason: Which is a product of being young, and how the sex culture is now. I think that if you say you’re a top or you say you’re a bottom, there’s this implication that you’ll never do the other thing.

River: But I think you can top while being a bottom. You can have the bottom mindset and still be topping.

Mason: That’s why I think it’s funny that you called yourself a power bottom, because I feel like I am kind of still dom, even when you are topping. And I feel like I am domming while topping also.

River: I’m like, SUCH the bottom. When you’re so much a bottom that you’re like a … power bottom?

Mason: You’re using Power Bottom to mean like, Bottom Plus?

River: Yes.

Mason: Like bottom premium?

River: Yes. Extra bottom.

Mason: I think even part of the discourse comes from penetration, with top meaning giving and bottom meaning receiving, when that’s not necessarily the focus that people wanna bring to queer sex. And I don’t think penetration is necessary. I think it can be fun, and a fun dimension to explore with someone but I’m not even crazy about how penetration feels on me.

River: Because you can’t even feel it.

Mason: Not really yeah, with T.

River: I’m a size queen though, so fisting is like fingering for me.

Mason: That’s true.

Do you feel like your sex drives are well matched?

Mason: I do think yours is a little higher than mine, but it’s the most well-matched I’ve ever felt in a relationship. I had a couple of high school relationships that kind of fell apart because I had a higher sex drive than my partner. So I’m glad that I’m older and I can talk about things. I’m glad I’m not in high school. But I still don’t think it’s anything too crazy different.

River: I definitely think we’re pretty equal. I probably have more of a higher sex drive, but I think that’s just because I like to dress sexy, I like to be sexy. I like for you to get hot and bothered for me.

Mason: True.

River: I think that’s really fun. And I think making you feel horny makes me feel horny, which also goes into being a bottom.

Mason: Your performance. Your sexy performance.

River: I think being a bottom — you are performing in a way. Even though you’re receiving, you’re still performing, and that’s how you be a good bottom!

Mason: The performance.

River: Yes, even though it’s all real, obviously! I don’t fake. I used to fake.

Mason: [noise of being aghast]

River: I used to fake orgasms.

Mason: That’s crazy.

River: Not anymore! But yes, I do think we’re pretty evenly matched, which I’m very happy about because when I’ve been in relationships in the past where the other person is not horny and then I feel like a perv, and then I’m just like, “Hi, I’m just being weird right now,” and then I’m embarrassed and shy.

Mason: It definitely does always feel weird to be the one who is more, I think.

River: I’m pretty much always down to have sex, that’s my problem.

Mason: That’s what I like — by you having the higher sex drive it just means that you basically would at any time, ever.

River: You’re making me sound like a slut! No, that’s true. I’d have sex anywhere. In the bathroom.

Mason: On the dance floor.

River: in the grocery store. We didn’t, no, not the grocery store.

Mason: In the hot tub.

River: In the hot tub.

Are there specific things you like to do during sex? Things you don’t like to do?

Mason: I say we both like getting and giving head.

River: Yes I love to get head. It’s so hard for me to come externally but he has cracked the code, thank lord. I am a size queen so I can handle a lot of insertion. Fisting is like fingering for me. But he does have small hands.

Mason: Whoa!

River: Calling him Daddy all the time… we like strapping, we like to get strapped.

Mason: Yeah we do strap and we like to strap. Since you do such large insertions it has to be such a workout, so it’s like mmmm do I have that in me today?

River: I feel like I also have more stamina. But also I am a bottom— actually no, bottoms have to do work too!

Mason: That’s true but.. usually the positions that we do, you’re sitting down or laying down and I’m like, moving more. I would say I’m probably burning more calories. So it can get to be a real workout.

River: Yeah. I do like scissoring.

Mason: Scissoring’s so fun, we’ve cracked the code to scissoring. Slay.

River: I like it when you put your boy dick inside of me.

Mason: Penetration from my t-dick is fun.

River: I’m not gonna come from it but it feels good.

Mason: It’s just fun!

River: It feels like…

Mason: Is that a crime?

River: What’s that thing that the Mormons say… like… energy? You’re kissing and then like —

Mason: If it’s what I told you about, it’s a hippie thing. It’s like an unbroken energy connection.

River: Like your mouths are together and then your genitals are also touching —

Mason: It’s like scissoring in a more annoying position. LIke it’s not really sustainable. It’s awkward we haven’t found a way to make it not awkward.

River: I feel like in doggy style is the easiest. I like it after getting my guts rearranged, that’s a nice little like… after thing to do. Apparently I found out I’m kind of a demon when I ride you.

Mason: That’s true, that’s why you’ve gotta be laying down. If you’re unleashed to any other sort of upright position?

River: It’s like in Twilight, the bed is breaking.

What are some things you’d like to try (or try again)?

River: Well, we’ve always talked about making a video together and we never do. So one day we will. Maybe for my birthday.

Mason: True.

River: ‘Cause you have an iPhone tripod to take nudes.

Mason: I’d say play parties, which we’ve always vaguely talked about, that I’d be curious to go to.

River: Oh my god I know so many people who go to play parties. I don’t wanna run into any of my exes.

Mason: The Brooklyn circle is too tight, I guess.

River: Too tight.

Mason: Since we both are people with herpes, I’m curious what that would mean at a play party and how that would be a factor.

River: The play party that I’ve been to, and another I was at for like ten minutes, it looked like they had — everything looks sterile and clean. There weren’t really spots where liquids would stay, there were cleanups, doggy pads, stuff like that. People were being handed out gloves for when you’re having sex with strangers. So there are safety precautions. But also probably half the people at play parties have herpes and don’t know it.

Mason: That’s the thing about herpes, you can have it and pass it without ever getting a breakout.

River: I’ve never tested positive.

Mason: If you haven’t had a breakout or not currently breaking out, it can be really difficult to catch on a test, but you could’ve had it for years.

River: That’s how I gave it to you.

Mason: That’s how I have it. I have had a breakout. Not to turn into a herpes PSA, there are like mitigation medications, et cetera. BUt yeah it is just something that’s like….

River: More people are getting it too ’cause more people are giving head.

Mason: Yeah true, ’cause like the one at least that I have tested positive for, there’s two strains — one is the more common one, on the mouth, for cold sores, and 2 is the one you more commonly have on your genitals for genital sores. But I have 1 on my genitals. And I’ve never had a cold sore on my mouth in my life. But more people are getting 1 on their genitals because someone with a cold sore is giving them head, which is interesting. So I have wondered how we could fit into that—

River: I’m sure we could do that. You’ve also only tied me up once, which I really like, to be in sub space.

Mason: True.

River: When were first started fucking and you found out I was going to play parties, you were a lot more bitey and playing with pain. Now you’re too nice to me. But you can bite me.

Mason: Alright, alright.

River: I finally just got you back to spitting on me.

Mason: I don’t know if you’ve experienced this, but there’s almost a kind of guilt, I feel like, that comes with being like a S & M top where it’s like — I don’t really like pain that much. I don’t really like to be hurt during sex, so I can feel bad sometimes where I’m like, “Oh, I don’t wanna do that to you.” But it’s just ’cause it’s something that I personally don’t like. So if you were doing this to me, I’d be upset with you.

But it’s like — you enjoy being the bottom for it and I enjoy being the top for it. So it’s like why would there be that guilt? But I think it just still is inherent with, well, I don’t want to be hurting you, and if we were not in a sex scene, I would not be doing this.

River: That’s so sweet. I once asked him to slap me and he refused.

Mason: I would’ve needed to prepare for that a little more. I like to be an S&M top, I just — I feel like I’m in danger of top drop.

River: I’ve never heard that term before!

Mason: You haven’t?

River: Is that when it’s too much for a top, you break down?

Mason: Like if you don’t get the right aftercare.

River: And nobody’s talking about top aftercare.

Mason: Yeah.

River: I think that’s the best thing afterwards is aftercare, especially from someone that you love. You only did it once, but you gave me water and then you helped me drink it and that was awesome. I was like, oh my god wait, does he like me?

Mason: That was when we knew each other less, too, so I was less inclined to just leave be — but also I was just less inclined to curl on top of you and cuddle you the way we do now. It was more like — I hesitate to say business transaction, but like — I don’t know you that well, so I’ll get you water. It’s more of a generic sort of thing to prepare for, versus now I hold you. Anything else you’d like to try?

River: More rope stuff. You always tease me and say you have rope stuff and yet I’ve never seen it! Also we used to email each other nudes which I think is the best way to receive them.

Mason: Oh true, that was kind of funny.

River: I’d get an email at work from you and it’d be like .. your dick. That was funny, we should get back on that.

How important are orgasms to your sex life?

River: As much as it may seem like they’re important to me — they, well, I enjoy them.

Mason: (elegant voice) Well it MUST be said, I enjoy orgasms.

River: It must be said I enjoy them. But they’re not make or break. I’m not going to be upset, but I do enjoy them. Who doesn’t enjoy coming?

Mason: Well I don’t know because for some people that’s a whole thing, they’re like into big big denial. Edging is the entire thing.

River: I’m a big edger.

Mason: But they’re like months and months no coming.

River: Oh my God. No I’m not.

Mason: They’ll just do edging and edging and edging and edging for days and days and days and days and weeks and months. That’s what I’m saying.

River: I think I would freak out.

Mason: Real denial heads out there.

River: That’s terrible! It’s really easy for me to come internally. I think I can do it ten times a row.

Mason: And I have also listened to a Good Boys podcast episode about this, where Motti was talking about how he is trying to work on being able to cum more than once, which is exactly how I feel. I can kind of only do the one time.

River: One and done.

Mason: Maybe twice.

River: Two pump chump.

Mason: But the second one is never the same as the first. It’s hard for me to come internally alone. Then externally I can get really sensitive really fast in an over-stim painful way.

River: Is that why you’re more of a top?

Mason: Yeah kind of — I don’t have the stamina and as I’ve been on T for longer, my sense of pleasure during sex has changed and evolved I think. I used to be able to have more stamina when bottoming. But it can get painful if I’m not careful and I don’t have as much stimulation inside as I used to.

River: Sometimes it’s so bloody for the both of us.

Mason: Sometimes we both bleed, but yours is more justified than mine. I have a lot of top stamina, I feel. Especially for the durations we’re going, it’s kind of inevitable that YOU come once? And then the way that I will cum so fast.

River: I like to cum externally a lot too. I think that’s so fun because not being on T, it’s kind of like fireworks and explosions. It’s a full body feeling and I really like that. But again, it’s not the most important thing.

Mason: Yeah I definitely wouldn’t say it’s the most important.

River: It’s the journey, not the destination.

What role does masturbation play in your sex life?

River: I don’t masturbate as much as I used to, sometimes I like to purposely not especially if we don’t see each other for a few days so then I can tell you that I haven’t come in a week.

Mason: It’s a good motivator to have sex. Before we were together I was single and hadn’t had sex partners in a while so I think having a sexual relationship with yourself always iis really important. I can’t imagine really like, ever completely stopping masturbation? I know that’s the goal for some people, if they feel they have an unhealthy relationship with it.

River: When I say don’t masturbate as much as I used to, I mean I don’t masturbate multiple times a day every day.

Mason: Right, right. I still do every couple of days, whatever. Sometimes I think it’s fun when we are not spending the night together, sending pictures.

River: Yes, I have a mirror.

Mason: It’s not like sending pics back and forth and dirty talking, it’s more like “I’m jerking off, here’s a selfie.”

River: And we don’t watch porn together. I watch straight porn because I am a slut. I think with gay porn and queer porn, they’re just so nice to each other.

Mason: That’s true.

River: They’re so sweet to each other. Sometimes when I jerk off i need — sometimes straight porn is the way to go. I like to watch a lot of gang bang porn and I like to think it’s like ten of you.

Mason: True.

River: And when are they doing that with gay people??! You cannot find—

Mason: Show me tenderqueer gang bang!

River: No you literally can’t! It’s so annoying. If there was hard core queer tied up gang bang i would be Viewer #1. I’d be first in the comments. But there’s nowhere that I can find that’s free at least.

Mason: And that’s a little problematic of you not paying your porn stars!

River: I know I know I’m supposed to be paying. My old roommate had this queer porn subscription.

Mason: I’ve bought erotic — I have like an erotic comic that I purchase from Ren Strapp. Another Autostraddle fixture!

River: Are you jerking them off?

Mason: I’ve purchased porn before.

River: Not to be too high and mighty!

Mason: Okay.

River: Some of us need to masturbate on a budget! With my Target vibrator. He makes fun of me for my wand but it gets the job done, as Chappell Roan would say.

Mason: Yeah the Target wand. Not to be elitist. I have the Hitachi.

River: Okay which is great and all. But also I’ve had this one since I was 17 and it still works to this day.

Mason: I’m happy for your beautiful relationship.

River: You have seen it! You’ve seen it work.

Mason: I have.

River: We don’t really masturbate together.

Mason: That could be fun.

River: We masturbate each other off.

Mason: True. So I think—

River: I think even if we lived together I would still masturbate. Probably less than I ever have in my life, but that would probably be my lowest amount of all time.

Tell us about your favorite or most memorable time you’ve had sex together.

River: Probably when I gave you herpes but that’s not my most favorite.

Mason: Definitely most memorable.

River: Definitely the most memorable! Maybe when we had sex on the dance floor as Edward and Jacob. I was Edward and he was Jacob. Let’s just say the club was quite crowded and queer friendly and—

Mason: There was some fingering. And I think that’s kind of iconic.

River: Also, having sex in another club bathroom —

Mason: There was no line.

River: No line!

Mason: Quite frankly, before the comments pile up, no disrespect to anyone, we got out of there and no one was waiting for that stall.

River: No one was waiting. There was actually an empty stall.

Mason: So you know what?

River: It’s fine. Everyone lived.

Mason: It was like 10:00 PM. The club wasn’t full yet. We were there early.

River: Yes

Mason: We were beating the cover.

River: Yes. And it stayed empty, actually.

Mason: And it stayed empty, and then we left. That’s a good one.

River: But that’s when I realized that I could fall in love with him.

Mason: Wow.

River: Yes, ’cause then I found out later that you wrote a poem about that.

Mason: Well, yes.

River: And that was so sweet.

Mason: That was a tanka moment.

River: Yeah, but you never shared it with me.

Mason: Well, I still have it. I really liked the first time that I made you come from eating you out, I thought that was big. ‘Cause you had been really hyping up that you can’t do that, and then I did it.

River: And you did. And were you like, “Yes?”

Mason: Yes. You aren’t very frequently the type of, shall I say, orgasmer who has your knees together? I feel like there’s some people who are knees together and some people who are knees apart, and you’re very frequently knees apart.

River: Well, that’s good.

Mason: Which is good for my safety. But occasionally you are knees together and it is satisfying and hot. But I do think if you did it every time, I’d be scared. But it what it is.

River: And nervous. I wouldn’t wanna crush your head.

Mason: Well, exactly. Exactly. I think it’s very considerate of you.

River: Of course.

Mason: So that’s what makes it hot.

River: And the other day where your nose almost got broken.

Mason: That was brave.

River: That was brave!

Mason: Brave of you!

River: Or that time where I was riding you and the bed shifted a lot. Sometimes-

Mason: My bad.

River: … I sound like I’m in pain, but I promise I’m not, to all the neighbors.

Mason: My bed scooted like four inches out from the wall that one time.

River: What else? Well, we just kind of have mind-blowing sex every single time.

Mason: Yeah. So really memorable, really memorable and distinct every time.

River: Every single time. Or whenever you call me puppy.

Mason: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think overall, we don’t have a silly one, though. I feel like we don’t have a silly send-off story.

River: Dressing up as Edward and Jacob.

Mason: Oh, yeah, I guess that’s pretty good.

River: Fingering each other in the club.

Mason: That’s pretty good.

River: Enough said.

Mason: All right.

River: Welcome to Brooklyn!