Dear Dreamers,

Howdy. How’s it going? As for me, I’m happy to report that the fugue, dread, and other various spiritual delights that have been plaguing me for weeks now are slowly lifting. I folded a bunch of towels. I tried to concentrate on various French autofictional novels. I worried my mother. I worried the cats, who think if I sleep past seven o’clock in the morning that I have surely died in the night. I also, perhaps against my better judgment, redownloaded the apps.

It’s not that I felt I had to, not really. It was more that I was bored, and sad, and wanted to feel like I was good at something. My non-hindbrain said: I don’t think that your way out of this obvious clinical depression is to get into someone else’s bed to which I smiled benignly and went on my merry way… for a few days, at least.

When I matched with B., it felt like the answer to my predicament. We had a great conversation, funny and quick, and I felt good, too, about the clarity of our arrangement. Casual, easy, built on pleasure. I wanted to leave the state by the following year, they had just gotten out of a six-year relationship. We can still be nice to each other, I always say, but nobody has to get married, and they agreed, though they did, eventually want marriage. That’s great, I replied. I probably never want to settle down.

I shouldn’t have said probably, I know, but it seemed less harsh, and I had already made it very clear that serious was not in the cards for me, so when I went over the following evening and made B. come a few times, smiled and said hey, thanks, this was fun, I thought I had fulfilled my end of the bargain. Delivering orgasms as a way to, what? Think of something other than how a genuinely lucky person could be so miserable? Delay writing another sad essay? I didn’t know, but I felt marginally more like a person who left their house. Fast forward to a mere day later — what are you even looking for? they say. What are you feeling?

I lay on my bedroom floor on the yoga mat and text Stef. I’ve got to stop [REDACTED] on a first date, I say, and they laugh and laugh.

Sending you your own way out of a funk,
Cowboy

---

A Queer Question for the Tarot

I am in love with someone (reciprocal) who is not my 9-year partner with whom I share a child (adult), and in another country: do I need to let it go or give it a chance, bulldozing my life in the process?
– Lost Little

Dear Lost Little,

Thank you for the gift of your question, and your vulnerability in asking it. It is a difficult thing to answer, to be sure, but I hope this reading will offer you at least a little clarity.

First, of course, we must address the practical before the spiritual — to begin, your child is an adult, which means that while things might fracture there if you do make a life-altering decision, you are not in a place where their needs (i.e., you being physically present) are as pressing, giving you some freedom. This is good, but it also adds more levels to your quandary. Secondly, we must address the person you are in love with. You mentioned in your note to me that you are not speaking, and that you have no plans on going back to where they live, but that you can’t get them out of your head. But they, too, have a say in this. This love is reciprocal. Before you make plans, or take action on my reading, you must speak to them, and see where they are. This is my biggest recommendation, so long as it doesn’t violate any rules that you have with your current partner.

Now, this is what the cards have for you. For this reading I did my general cleansing ritual, and then divided my deck (my harshest deck, for reference) into two piles. One pile representing the life you are currently living, and the second pile representing a life you may have with your lover.

The card I drew from you from the first pile is the FOUR OF CUPS, REVERSED, symbolizing a path away from your ennui, sadness, stagnation. You are sad and scared most of the time. You feel that there is a way out, but it is impossible for you to reach it. But you must remember that this card tells us there is an END to this stagnation, and the great possibility of a fresh start. Is it the fresh start you imagine? Perhaps. As a clarifying card I drew THE HIGH PRIESTESS who emphatically told me to tell you to trust your intuition on this one. Your gut.

The card I drew from you from the second pile is the THREE OF CUPS which speaks to me of enjoyment, of a relationship of happiness… but also can be interpreted as the cheating card. Thankfully, the deck cleared this up for me in the form of the TWO OF CUPS (auspicious) which represents the deep well of love between people, the flow of it back and forth. Equal and balanced, this love is obviously reciprocal.

Well then, Little Lost. I can’t tell you what to do, but I do hope you find happiness in your choices. Keep me updated.

See you on the Other Side,
CC

---

Another Queer Question for the Tarot

Should I get back together with my ex? Lol!
– Zuzuspetals

Dear Zuzuspetals,

Thank you for the gift of your question. It is important for us to note here that this is not an out of the blue question, but rather one courted by your ex — they say they are still in love with you, but also they have a new girlfriend… a mere two weeks after your break-up.

That doesn’t mean I’m saying no to your question, simply that we must keep this in mind as we let the cards do their work. After cleansing my deck, lighting my candles, and shuffling, I divided the cards into two piles for two questions.

PILE ONE: What if we do get back together?

The first card I drew from Pile One was the THREE OF PENTACLES, REVERSED, which signifies that, as a unit, you and your ex may have a hard time reviewing old lessons. The past often repeats itself, but only with new clarity can we redirect the harms that once were inflicted upon us, and that we inflicted. This card warns not to fall back into old habits just because they are comfortable. The clarifying card I pulled for you is the EIGHT OF SWORDS which tells me if you do get back together, there may be quite a bit of mental anguish. Trust issues really abound here, and you need to interrogate the sadness, pain, guilt, and anxiety that plagued you during the relationship, and its aftermath.

PILE TWO: What if we don’t get back together?

The first card I drew from Pile One was the FIVE OF CUPS, REVERSED which tells you that you have recently experienced a personal setback (the break-up) but that there are still treasures to be had. Not your ex, to be clear, but instead, when we remove them from the equation, what remains. You, your dignity, your vibrance. To clarify, I pulled the QUEEN OF CUPS who assures us that while emotional depth may remain in one place (in your relationship), it is not the only place that it can be found. It also points towards a type of healing, though it feels to me (spiritually speaking) like an inner healing instead of an outer one.

I hope this helped. There are no “wrong” choices here, but there are ones that could cause you further pain. Be careful with your heart.

See you on the Other Side,
CC

---

The Lovers Tarot Card IS Gay

When discussions about “queering” the Tarot, or “queering” mysticism come up, I always feel slightly bamboozled. Yes, I know intimately the systems when we exist in, but there is nothing more liberatory to my sexuality, or my gender, than those modes of the Beyond. Everything exists in the gray, there is nothing that cannot be bent, and the clarity I have after giving a ready or sticking my hand in the ether certainly doesn’t feel straight, or heteronormative, etc etc.

So, in my forever quest to make everything a gay thing, I offer you a few thoughts to mull over next time you pull The Lovers.

The Lovers is a card that says what it is on the tin. It evokes sex, yes, but it is ultimately a card full of choices. It asks us: IS this actually the life you want to be living? Are you closing yourself off emotionally? Have you looked at yourself lately, I mean really looked at yourself? The Lovers insist we interrogate, but they do so warmly, for our own good.

The Lovers also have a special meaning in the ~community~. It bodes well for your orgy or polyamorous entanglement, it tells you to seek pleasure wherever you find it and check out a bodice ripper from the library. Though its representation comes in the form of a “man” and “woman” it also reminds us that, at the end of the day, we make our own love, and we do so in the face of a thousand less dangerous things. Still, we seek it.

---

Cowboy’s Corner

Reading: Various French autofictional texts, like this one. My dear friend Eliana’s truly fantastic debut novel about Cherokee history, ambition, and, of course, love. Ansel Adams: Letters, 1916 – 1984 (for a project). This very cool newsletter about living near friends.

Listening: This song the Youtube algorithm rec’d to me because I’m an ambient music freak and they don’t know what to do with me. “Sienna” by The Marias. “Forever” by Ok Cowgirl. “Ur Heart Stops” by fantasy of a broken heart.

Consuming: Jaws: The 50th Anniversary in theaters (my treat to myself). The same three or four episodes from the early seasons of Sex and the City. These sugar-free Liquid I.V.s. One of these popsicles literally every evening. [REDACTED].