“That’s right — the characters on this show abusing their power has become so commonplace that I am now desensitized and can only think of denim.”
“Stef and I say, “Nothing intimate about that!” and then Stef and I laugh, but the Serious Music of Relationship Doom starts and Stef and I know we’ve made a terrible mistake.”
“Brandon tells Dani he’ll pay her back but she says it was a gift and giving makes her happy, happy, happy! Then, she says she has one request and I don’t want to know what it is. I pause the show, eat Skittles and consider quitting the recapping life.”
This makes no sense. You would hand out a letter to each person as they arrive, starting with the first. Brandon arrived last which means he should have been left with the last “S.” YOU CANNOT JUST HAND OUT LETTERS RANDOMLY!
“The combination of lesbians and hummus is always funny to me. I’m easy.”
Remember all the hope I had for Brandon? My hope is Humpty Dumpty and all the kings horses and all the kings lesbians will never put my hope for this character back together again.
“The doorbell rings and it’s Emma the Wrestler with noodle kugel! We get a little primer on how Jews respond to funerals. Hint: They bring kugel. Every time they say “kugel,” I hear “kegel” and do 15.”
Stef is watering the bushes when Lena gets home from the doctor and says, “Have fun at the gyno?” Lena says, “It’s more action than I’ve gotten from you in awhile.”
“Back at wrestling practice, Perky Emma of the Ankle Picks offers Jesus a cookie — an organic cookie with no dyes. Maybe she has lesbian moms too.”
“Mariana sits at a table alone and takes her fancy plastic lunch container out of dumb paper bag. Why doesn’t she have a reusable lunch bag? What kind of family are these lesbians running?”
Relationships are no picnic… but wait! Maybe they are!
“They ask Stef and Lena about their vows and Stef says they’re not doing vows and I start to think that Stef doesn’t understand what a wedding is.”
“Brandon asks Mike why Stef wasn’t wearing a vest. Geez Brandon! Not all lesbians wear vests! But then I realize he means “bulletproof vest” and let this slide.”
“I think Hot Cops from Arrested Development but all ladies but Lena ruins that vision.”
“When they pry themselves apart, Lexi tells Jesus that her parents took her computer and phone and locked her away in Cookie Monster’s tower where she has to spin gold.”
In which there is a party, halibut, and a knock at the door.
Digression 6: My first lesbian date ended on the roof of a small town Pizza Hut, but she knew what we were doing because she helped me push the dumpster up against the wall.
“He slurs, “It’s a party, Stef. Have some fun.” Geez Mike. Way to get personal. Everyone knows lesbians are no fun.”
“Steph is making cheese sandwiches with no condiments of any kind. Lesbian moms are cruel.”
“My sister has Lhasa Apsos and one of them bit my son in the face and now I don’t like Lhasa Apsos and this is unintentional foreshadowing because it turns out I don’t like Marianna much in this episode either.”
“Steph is wearing a worn out t-shirt and a pair of plaid pajama pants which is very similar to what I wore to drop off my kids at school this morning. #lesbianmomuniform.”