The walls are CLOSING IN but also, this is a debt-free situation! Should you stay?
Q
My parents are paying my tuition for a Christian college, but I am not sure how much longer I can take it. I have some queer friends here, and a great roommate, and I have liked most of my classes. It’s not against the rules to be gay here, but there are no LGBT clubs or anything. Since the election, and moreso since Trump took office, there are many Trump supporters here, and I feel like the walls are closing in on me sometimes. My parents know that I’m queer, but we don’t talk about it. My faith is very important to me as well. I have two more years here. Do I stick it out? Or transfer somewhere else that I’m pretty sure my parents won’t pay for, even if I would have to go into debt to do that? Right now I am going to graduate debt-free if I stay here. Sorry, I don’t know if this is the kind of question you can answer, but I’m trying to get as many opinions as possible, and any input at all would be helpful to me.
A
Summer: Being religious and queer can be harrowing when so much of organized religion is aligned against us. I don’t know the deep, deep specifics of your situation, but I’d consider trying to stick it through your situation. You have a support structure around you. You even enjoy your classes. Although I abhor the idea of religious educational centers, you’re doubtless getting the education you need and it’s free, to boot. There are a lot of upsides here.
It may not be easy sticking through another two years of bullshit, but you have a support network of reliable friends and that roommate with you. That counts for a lot, especially since you’d have to rebuild that support network if you transferred out. There are plenty of people in more liberal places who don’t have that network, and it’s no guarantee that you’d be able to reforge it in a timely fashion. Plus, there’s the guarantee of debt.
The insufferable right wingers on your campus won’t be easy to cope with. Unfortunately, we’re all putting up with the consequences of this election cycle, not just in colleges. While a christian college may produce a higher concentration of this horror, it’s all around us at the moment. If I were in your position, I would probably lean toward sticking it out. Especially to avoid uprooting reliable friendships.
Valerie: If your faith is important to you and you have a good network of support where you are, stay. As someone who will be paying off student loans until I’m basically retirement age, I wish someone had explained to me how to be debt-free after college, and it seems like you have a good situation here between enjoying your classes, having friends and a good roommate (hard to find at any college!), and having your tuition taken care of. Unfortunately, in this climate, as Summer said, loud Tr*mp supporters are going to be everywhere, even if you’re not at a Christian college. You can form your own unofficial, non-school-affiliated queer club if you want to, to help talk about those feelings of the walls closing in, or just stick tight with your friends until you graduate, when the whole wide world of queer groups and communities will open up to you.
Nico: I am also on the side of you sticking it out. You’re a person of faith, you have community where you are, and graduating debt-free is super valuable. Trump supporters are going to be everywhere. Even the most “liberal” colleges have cracked down on students who’ve demonstrated in support of Palestinians, host anti-trans speakers, and are preemptively complying with executive orders around DEI and more. The rot is everywhere, and it’s just two years, and then you have your degree. College isn’t easy in general, but I believe in you. You’ve already done two years, what’s two more?
Riese: I was so profoundly depressed in general during my first year of college at an expensive liberal arts college that I decided early on to transfer to a much cheaper school (at the time, in-state tuition at Michigan was under $7k a year) so at least I would not be in debt and depressed, and it was an excellent decision. It was unfortunately located in the town where I grew up, but it’s a great school and I liked my classes. I never really found “my people” there. I only have one (1) friend today that I made in college. I spent a lot of time off-campus working (and socializing with work friends), and you know what? It was fine! It was completely fine. College doesn’t have to be the best four years of your life. Also — with how Trump is going after liberal institutions right now and making insane unconstitutional demands that will result in an even greater lack of freedom of speech… Idk, it’s the devil you know, you know? I’d hate for you to transfer to a liberal school and end up super disappointed by how it turns out there, too, in today’s political climate. It’s coming for us all.
Being nonbinary in a binary world can be exhausting and traumatizing AND ALSO we love you and want you to know real happiness okay!?
Q
How do I deal with being nonbinary in this largely binary world? It is a big source of minority stress and anxiety for me. I have days when I cannot use binary toilets in public spaces due to dysphoria getting worse so I wait until I’m home. Also the constant correcting in work, though I have stated many times my name and pronouns, it just is very tiring and affects my ability to do my work too. I have better days, aka I’m more immune to the binary bullshit, but often I feel very vulnerable and the misgendering even makes me cry at work. This surely cannot be the way to deal with my beautiful realization of my nonbinary gender? Any tips? Any of you have experience of similar?
A
Summer: I read something a while ago that outlined the difference between trauma and resilience in a very broad and simplified form. Namely that Adversity + Support = Resilience, but Adversity + No Support = Trauma. I often see it reflected in my life. The people I know (present company included) have all become stronger or more capable when we experienced adversity alongside trusted friends or supporting resources. And the times adversity has struck us without these factors? Some of the most horrible memories ever, easily.
When you’re in an adverse and frankly, dehumanizing situation, the common options are to endure or extract. Endurance is always possible, but draws on limited resources. It’s impossible to endure forever if you don’t have supportive factors on your side. Be it friends, a good online community, Discord buds, anything. Otherwise, the path to healing happens when you extract yourself from that situation. Given how hard it can be to leave employment, that’s not always an option and it’s okay.
What I have to say to you is that pop-psych talk about ‘resilience’ very often becomes damaging to people. Because we never get far into resilience-and-chill before people start feeling like their lack of this ‘resilience’ is a personal shortcoming that is their fault. I believe that we shouldn’t be asked to be resilient in the first place, but society should be shaped to be a more accommodating and joyful place. Mental/emotional resilience shouldn’t be another object of inadequacy or self-improvement in our lives. It should be recognized as something that is made inside and beyond ourselves. Friends, loved ones, and pets all come to mind. I hope things turn out better for you and I hope what I’ve said here makes sense.
Nico: I’m sorry you’re dealing with constant misgendering and that you don’t have access to non-gendered bathrooms. Are there ways you can restructure some of your routines so that you have more access to non-gendered restrooms and so that you are less inundated with misgendering? For example, at work, is there a way you could access a single-occupant restroom? At your workplace, this is a situation where your employer should be offering support. I realize that in practicality, that support might not be available, but if you feel comfortable talking to someone and ask for help talking to coworkers, then that might be something to try. Aside from that, though, it might be time to find a more trans-friendly workplace if you can. I know job seeking is brutal, but there’s a reason that queer/trans people tend to flock to certain workplaces, and it’s that they have community and support there. You can’t be expected to be made of stone, and to just stand strong even though you’re dying a death by a thousand cuts. I do have to say it’s pretty normal to cry at work. Work can suck. I hope you have friends who you can talk to about this and mutually complain with. You need the chance to unload. If it’s not possible to change your workplace, then you need to do what you can to find community and put yourself in supportive spaces outside of work. Are there groups you can join, classes you can take, situations you can put yourself in where people respect your authentic self and make you feel supported and affirmed? I’d seek those out because it’s through community that we build our actual resilience.
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