My Platform if I Were Mayor of Pride Month

For legal and spiritual reasons, this is a joke.

1. The L and T gets automatic immunity for any misbehavior. B and G you’re on thin ice

2. It is forbidden to play Taylor Swift at any queer function. Doing so will incur a fine

3. All sapphics must swear an oath on the Bible: if you don’t kiss your crush it’s because either party didn’t want to, NEVER because you were too afraid to ask

4. There are two types of gays: mean poppers gays and mutual aid gays. The former must pay taxes and also observe a curfew

5. All community straps are required to register at the mayors office (mine)

6. If you engage in internet bisexual discourse, you will be placed on a terror watchlist

7. All white gays must get three (3) letters of recommendation from POC who love them before they can hang

8. All lesbian thirst trappers get a statue erected in the town square to honor their hard work destigmatizing our community

9. An annual Veterans Day parade honors victims of adolescent homoerotic situationships

10. Real eaters receive a government pension to support their efforts

11. Black girls get the entire month off and not just Juneteenth

12. Anyone who likes my ig story will be suspected of wanting to scissor

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Malavika Kannan

Malavika Kannan (she/her) is a Gen Z Tamil American writer. Her debut literary novel, UNPRECEDENTED TIMES, about queer coming-of-age during the pandemic, will be published by Henry Holt in 2026, and her writing about culture and identity also appears in the Washington Post, The Emancipator, Teen Vogue, and more. You can find her on Instagram, TikTok, and her website.

Malavika has written 3 articles for us.

6 Comments

    • ok though as a lesbian i do believe we actually do not deserve to be in the front either and we should also be in the back thinking long and hard about what we’ve been up to as a community and if we are proud of ourselves or not

      Reply to This Comment

      • I suggest fixing your internalized lesbiphobia, it will make your life a lot better! Lesbians are constantly at the frontlines of fighting for progress and caring for our community. Don’t let the lesbiphobic rhetoric on the internet keep you down. I, for one, am a very proud lesbian that is proud of our community and what we fight for, no sitting in corners for me.

        Reply to This Comment

        • this is a humor piece it feels like maybe you are taking it too seriously!! and my comment was meant in the spirit of the piece. i don’t think the author meant any of this literally. bisexuals are on the front lines too

          Reply to This Comment

          • Well when I make a hell yeah comment and someone needs to come in with what read as hand wringing negativity, I’m gonna push back on it! You were the one who made it serious lol.

        • Lesbians are fucking excellent and no one should put lesbians in the corner!! You are so correct in this. But do you also think bisexuals should be on thin ice? Because urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh WHY this new and so funny joke that bisexuals suck?

          Reply to This Comment

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