Listling Without Commentary: 27 Excerpts From 1-Star Reviews Of Bad Lesbian Movies

It is well-established that the vast majority of lesbian films are relatively insufferable. This doesn’t seem to stop the vast majority of lesbian films from receiving glowing reviews on amazon, but amid these peddlers of questionable evaluations there are many reviewers fighting for the truth (the truth = “THAT SUCKED”). You can also find these brave warriors in the review sections of universally poorly-rated lesbian films, where they were the only 1-star reviewers who got past the first ten minutes in order to write a really thorough negative review worth excerpting.

The following excerpts have been ripped mercilessly out of context from one-star reviews of various lesbian films.


1. “First of all, I want to go on record by saying that any individuals that actually thought this film was good in any way are definitely lost and delirious themselves.”

2. “You know the little video progress bar at the bottom? I kept checking it and thinking, “if there isn’t that much left, I might make it to the end.” I swear the thing was going backwards. The only reason I finished it is because I’m too OCD not to finish a movie. But this one tested my affliction.”

3. I AM NOT INTO SAME SEX MOVIES. GOOD EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN. THE BLOND WAS NOT AN ACTOR. THE BRUNETTE WAS IN OUTER SPACE

4. “We all thought it was going to be sexy and hot, but I’ve seen more action in a Miller Lite commercial.”

5. “I suppose the intention here was to create a movie mainly for the Lesbian population. You perhaps succeeded there but unfortunately I think you also succeeded in insulting our intelligence.”

6. “Amazon…can you refund the last hour and a half of my life, plus interest? I know; I shouldn’t blame you. You were just the messenger.”

7. “I think the director or writer went into an LSD trance halfway through”

8. “I’m not sure what the creators of this movie were trying to accomplish but, unless it was to make my ears cringe, I don’t think that they succeeded.”

9. “I could have told a better story with a slideshow in powerpoint.”

10. “It was like watching a very bad porno movie but never getting to the porn.”

12.”Imagine, for a moment, a really, REALLY bad Kenny G video (you know, soft focus filters, lots of hair, and entirely too much make-up. And that’s just on Kenny G). Then, throw in all of the worse-than-stilted acting from Claire of the Moon, heavy-handed music that’s a string arrangement from the stock “bow-wow-chikka-wow-wow!” groove of your typical porn flick, add a dash of “look, I can edit VHS!” skills and, voila! You have the basic ingredients of this 1980’s housewife’s Harlequinn Romance idea of “what lesbians do.”

13. “I hope these folks have day jobs, because they sure as hell can’t act, direct, write, produce. Maybe they can cook……..?”

14. “What’s next – lesbian versions of Das Experiment and The Princess and the Warrior? I can already see the titles now, Das Sexperiment and The Princess and The Princess.”

15. “Even if you hate chocolate, it’s still way better than this.”

16. “Want to watch a fat het man chain smoke? Want to watch a skinny gay girl sob? Want to watch them inexplicably, suddenly become best bffs? This is your flick.”

17. “The dialog was forced and way to grammatically correct.”

18. “Who wrote the plot? Cracked-out monkeys from outer space? Yo Gabba Gabba is more entertaining then this piece of trash! Only reason I gave it one star? There was no option for zero stars.”

18. “Why do some gay movies have to be so bad? I haven’t found an answer to that one yet, however I have a feeling that it’s a conspiracy. The Republicans are funding terrible gay movies to make the entire population straight!”

19. “If you can stand just killing time and watching a [horrible] movie, then go ahead. Heck, you can go to the john a few times, go out for some pizza, and even walk your dog. You won’t miss anything.”

20. “It was more like nude yoga or Cirque de Soliel than a passionate love story.”

21. “It looks like an infomercial broadcast at 2am for some new age guru who wants to help you find your twin flame.”

22. “I started to write a really bad review but then I remembered hearing a filmmaker once say, “even in the worst movie there is something good to be found there.” So, in keeping with that spirit, here is the good I found: the movie is only 40 min long. There you have it.”

23. I COULDNT WATCH IT. I PAID AND I TRAVEL FOR VACATION AND BEING THERE I COULD EVEN OPEN IT. WHEN I WAS BACK IT DIDNT APPEARED IN MY LIBRARY OR ANYTHING.

24. “This is a flick for teenage boys to get brief glimpses of French-speaking girls being partially naked.”

25.  “I am sorry but I can’t abide by this. You are destroying our morality and you love it. You want to destroy our culture. That is what this is all about.”

26. “You’d think that a movie about a book that is promoting the vagina would show a few vaginas. Not here. There are a bunch of people talking about how women should not be ashamed of their vaginas, how beautiful vaginas are, and how no vagina looks the same; yet no vaginas. I thought the whole point was that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Seems ridiculous to me. What’s next? Will they produce a show about gardening, yet show no plants? Or maybe they’ll make a travel documentary about Italy, and just interview people from Utah who’ve been to Italy.”

27. “After watching quality lesbian films this was very disappointing. Bring back The L Word!”

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2686 articles for us.

59 Comments

  1. ‘Or maybe they’ll make a travel documentary about Italy, and just interview people from Utah who’ve been to Italy.’

    One star reviews renew my faith in humanity. Specifically its comic ability.

  2. “Want to watch a fat het man chain smoke? Want to watch a skinny gay girl sob? Want to watch them inexplicably, suddenly become best bffs? This is your flick.”

    wait what? what film is this? ps if the activities were swapped…would watch 100 times.

  3. only slightly ashamed at the number of films I recognize by these scathing criticisms

    also “THE BLOND WAS NOT AN ACTOR. THE BRUNETTE WAS IN OUTER SPACE.” sounds like the name of an art installation Bette Porter would have side-eyed

    • I was the same with Better Than Chocolate (probably #15)–I watched that movie religiously in high school. Tried to watch it again a year or two ago and couldn’t make it through the first twenty minutes. I chalk it up to the fact that I was so ravenous for queer women in media that I loved virtually anything I came across. Also because I had a huge crush on the main character.

      Kudos to you for being able to watch Lost and Delirious more than once. That movie depressed me so much when I was 16 I still refuse to watch it.

  4. My girlfriend and I made a list of lesbian (or lesbian inclusive) films to marathon some day (PARTS of the list compiled with the help of Autostraddle lists, of course), and so far we’ve only been to watch three in a row until we give up completely.

    At the moment I only wait for the community to give good reviews to movies before I go hunting for them.

  5. I feel like they were talking about Blue is the warmest color lol.

    “I suppose the intention here was to create a movie mainly for the Lesbian population. You perhaps succeeded there but unfortunately I think you also succeeded in insulting our intelligence.”

    Not sure why I found this one to be very funny

  6. “You know the little video progress bar at the bottom? I kept checking it and thinking, “if there isn’t that much left, I might make it to the end.” I swear the thing was going backwards. The only reason I finished it is because I’m too OCD not to finish a movie. But this one tested my affliction.”

    This one has got to be Mango Kiss, right?

    • Hmm, I didn’t read that commenter as being pretentious about grammar. If anything, it seemed like they were disgruntled with the pretentiousness of the grammar in the movie script, because it killed any possibility of realism in the dialogue. Also, looking at the two grammar ~mistakes~ in their comment, it’s likely that this commenter is dyslexic or that English is not their native language.

  7. I tried to figure out what #27 is, but no dice, and google was no help. I too want to the L Word back, but what film brings this reaction, cause maybe it will really help bring the L Word back?

  8. Thank youuuu. I used to work for a pretty big LGBT newspaper, and I reviewed a new lesbian movie once (can’t remember what it was — but it was terrible) and I was honest about how bad it was, and got attacked in the comments! People were like HOW DARE YOU THIS IS ALL WE HAVE.

  9. I thought for sure #22 was about Camp Belvidere, but it wasn’t. I actually couldn’t find any 1-star reviews for CB. Thankfully, a lot of the excerpts listed here apply to it anyway, and I can just pretend I’m not alone in hating it!

  10. 12 made me laugh out loud. It is too true, and sadly, it happened, for a fashion, all over everywhere. Kenny G was the SHIZ for middle of the road folks who liked their white men long curly haired white puffy shirt wearing well groomed gentle playing whatever schlocky instrument he played. It was never a dream, people.

  11. What I really find hilarious is the fact that if you’ve seen these films, you know exactly which film these 1 star reviews belong to. Very well deserved. I thought I was honestly the only one who saw how awful each and every one of these ‘films’ were.

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