It is well-established that the vast majority of lesbian films are relatively insufferable. This doesn’t seem to stop the vast majority of lesbian films from receiving glowing reviews on amazon, but amid these peddlers of questionable evaluations there are many reviewers fighting for the truth (the truth = “THAT SUCKED”). You can also find these brave warriors in the review sections of universally poorly-rated lesbian films, where they were the only 1-star reviewers who got past the first ten minutes in order to write a really thorough negative review worth excerpting.
The following excerpts have been ripped mercilessly out of context from one-star reviews of various lesbian films.
1. “First of all, I want to go on record by saying that any individuals that actually thought this film was good in any way are definitely lost and delirious themselves.”
2. “You know the little video progress bar at the bottom? I kept checking it and thinking, “if there isn’t that much left, I might make it to the end.” I swear the thing was going backwards. The only reason I finished it is because I’m too OCD not to finish a movie. But this one tested my affliction.”
3. I AM NOT INTO SAME SEX MOVIES. GOOD EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN. THE BLOND WAS NOT AN ACTOR. THE BRUNETTE WAS IN OUTER SPACE
4. “We all thought it was going to be sexy and hot, but I’ve seen more action in a Miller Lite commercial.”
5. “I suppose the intention here was to create a movie mainly for the Lesbian population. You perhaps succeeded there but unfortunately I think you also succeeded in insulting our intelligence.”
6. “Amazon…can you refund the last hour and a half of my life, plus interest? I know; I shouldn’t blame you. You were just the messenger.”
7. “I think the director or writer went into an LSD trance halfway through”
8. “I’m not sure what the creators of this movie were trying to accomplish but, unless it was to make my ears cringe, I don’t think that they succeeded.”
9. “I could have told a better story with a slideshow in powerpoint.”
10. “It was like watching a very bad porno movie but never getting to the porn.”
12.”Imagine, for a moment, a really, REALLY bad Kenny G video (you know, soft focus filters, lots of hair, and entirely too much make-up. And that’s just on Kenny G). Then, throw in all of the worse-than-stilted acting from Claire of the Moon, heavy-handed music that’s a string arrangement from the stock “bow-wow-chikka-wow-wow!” groove of your typical porn flick, add a dash of “look, I can edit VHS!” skills and, voila! You have the basic ingredients of this 1980’s housewife’s Harlequinn Romance idea of “what lesbians do.”
13. “I hope these folks have day jobs, because they sure as hell can’t act, direct, write, produce. Maybe they can cook……..?”
14. “What’s next – lesbian versions of Das Experiment and The Princess and the Warrior? I can already see the titles now, Das Sexperiment and The Princess and The Princess.”
15. “Even if you hate chocolate, it’s still way better than this.”
16. “Want to watch a fat het man chain smoke? Want to watch a skinny gay girl sob? Want to watch them inexplicably, suddenly become best bffs? This is your flick.”
17. “The dialog was forced and way to grammatically correct.”
18. “Who wrote the plot? Cracked-out monkeys from outer space? Yo Gabba Gabba is more entertaining then this piece of trash! Only reason I gave it one star? There was no option for zero stars.”
18. “Why do some gay movies have to be so bad? I haven’t found an answer to that one yet, however I have a feeling that it’s a conspiracy. The Republicans are funding terrible gay movies to make the entire population straight!”
19. “If you can stand just killing time and watching a [horrible] movie, then go ahead. Heck, you can go to the john a few times, go out for some pizza, and even walk your dog. You won’t miss anything.”
20. “It was more like nude yoga or Cirque de Soliel than a passionate love story.”
21. “It looks like an infomercial broadcast at 2am for some new age guru who wants to help you find your twin flame.”
22. “I started to write a really bad review but then I remembered hearing a filmmaker once say, “even in the worst movie there is something good to be found there.” So, in keeping with that spirit, here is the good I found: the movie is only 40 min long. There you have it.”
23. I COULDNT WATCH IT. I PAID AND I TRAVEL FOR VACATION AND BEING THERE I COULD EVEN OPEN IT. WHEN I WAS BACK IT DIDNT APPEARED IN MY LIBRARY OR ANYTHING.
24. “This is a flick for teenage boys to get brief glimpses of French-speaking girls being partially naked.”
25. “I am sorry but I can’t abide by this. You are destroying our morality and you love it. You want to destroy our culture. That is what this is all about.”
26. “You’d think that a movie about a book that is promoting the vagina would show a few vaginas. Not here. There are a bunch of people talking about how women should not be ashamed of their vaginas, how beautiful vaginas are, and how no vagina looks the same; yet no vaginas. I thought the whole point was that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Seems ridiculous to me. What’s next? Will they produce a show about gardening, yet show no plants? Or maybe they’ll make a travel documentary about Italy, and just interview people from Utah who’ve been to Italy.”
27. “After watching quality lesbian films this was very disappointing. Bring back The L Word!”
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