Once they’re alone, Astra asks him what the actual hell he was thinking, considering a) this is her old stomping grounds she knows the way things work here better than him b) she knows literal magic and can quite literally take care of herself c) she EXPLICITLY told him not to follow her and now he’s gone and made things worse. He says that he knew she didn’t need his protection but he did want to make sure she wasn’t going to relapse into doing evil things, and the sheer lack of trust deeply offends her. And rightly so.

I blame Nate for teaching Behrad this toxic masculinity.

Back at the mansion, Gideon finds herself in a sort of Confessional situation, and with Harris’s guidance, she admits that she is worried the Legends are right and that her feelings for Gary are why she’s messing up. She wishes she could turn off her human emotions, especially all this pesky self-doubt, and so turn off her emotions she does.

Then, like a Mystic Falls vampire who flipped their humanity switch, Gideon dresses like a hot Bond villain and and immediately dumps Gary.

“You ARE the weakest link. Goodbye.”

Gideon’s next stop is Fancy Zari, who is still fuming about her conversation with Nate. Gideon lets her talk at her for a little while until Fancy Zari talks herself into the idea that Nate doesn’t want to move into the totem with Flannel Zari and she wants to protect her nerdy alter ego. Gideon smiles a little wickedly; she is UP to something.

Gideon Ex Machina

Gideon’s path of destruction leads her to Nate, who is turning into a bonafide, GTL, cabs-ah-heeyah situation, and she tells him what Fancy Zari said, causing him to storm off in a roid-inspired rage.

Gideon then goes to stir the pot with Davies, putting it in his head that he should think bigger than just his ex-boyfriend when it comes to using his IOU from Sara. For example…he could save ALL his friends if the soul he chooses to save is Archduke Franz Ferdinand, thus stopping World War I from ever happening.

In their own private escape room, Behrad asks why Astra wants out so badly, especially since hell is the source of her trauma. She said she survived by pushing through and fighting, not by hiding away. When Behrad says his whole deal is that he’s the chill guy with no trauma, Astra rolls her eyes at his weird flex, magics herself out of the room, and tells the confessional camera that men are cowards.

Once I met a man who used to be on Real World and after knowing him for all of five minutes he started talking like he was in the Confessional so I guess it’s a bit habit-forming.

At the mansion, Gary watches in horror as Gideon names all the stars the same name just to cause terrible confusion. One by one all the Legends turn into extreme versions of their own reality shows. Spooner is still in Survivor mode, literally. Nate is so Jersey Shore he’s practically a walking Wawa, Fancy Zari is living a Kardashian-Bachelorette nightmare, Sara has gone so Real Housewives she is making margaritas and planning a trip to Cabo.

“I’m not like a regular captain, I’m a fun captain!”

Ava is either Sorority Life or MTV’s Boiling Point, or maybe just also Real Housewives as she yells at everyone and realizes she’s turning into the implanted memories of her mother. (A very funny, perfectly delivered line.)

Jes Macallan hair care routine when

Gideon is pleased with herself until Astra comes home and realizes that literally NO ONE listened to her advice and they all got sucked into the chaos of the poltergeists. The chaos only ensues over dinner, and it’s like the worst crossover in history, and everyone is fighting. Davies reveals his plan to save an important life and Sara feels used and goes full housewife.

I cannot come up with a caption that is funnier than this image is. The pose, the hair, the lipstick, the expression. Just. Perfection.

At one point in the madness, Fancy Zari even calls out Flannel Zari for backup and while she resists long enough to be aware that she’s being sucked into the drama, she does eventually get sucked in and throws drinks at Fancy Zari and Nate.

A Shot At Love with Zari Terazi

Astra yells that they have to get the hell out of the house and goes to grab the time machine’s colander for Gideon, but Gary doesn’t trust that she won’t teleport them into a tornado in her current state, so he alien-gobbles it and runs around the house as the rest of the Legends chase him with various weapons.

The pure CHAOS of this episode, and especially this scene. I bet it would have Bravo shaking in their Vanderpumps.

After resisting the temptation of more gummies from Harris, Behrad makes his way back to his friends and breaks the bowl of candies to get their attention. His chill vibe is partly an act. He’s a laid back guy, but it’s all by design. See, when he was little and Keeping Up with the Tarazis was on, the more he reacted, the more he was featured and ridiculed on national television. The more he failed, the more attention was brought to him. So he decided to retreat. He shut down, used weed to chill out, and did everything he could to avoid being too reactionary so he wouldn’t be on the show. But the truth is, that was a trauma response. Because things do still get to him, he just trained himself not to react or acknowledge it when it does happen. Hell, he literally died and he hasn’t so much had a heart-to-heart with Sara about it, the most dyingest person among them.

True Life: I Died But I’m Fine Now

He doesn’t want people to hate him for being real, but he also is tired of pretending he’s a one dimensional kind of dude. And also he wants to ask Astra out, and to do that he has to stop being afraid of failing.

“I mean traditionally one is offered a rose, but I guess a big speech will suffice.”

The fact that this was a genuine moment not technically directly manipulated by the ghost crew, their curse is lifted and they’re set free; and the Legends, too, are set free from the forces that were practically driving them mad.

Immediately, Gideon apologizes to the team for going rogue. Sara apologizes to Ava, saying she lets Ava take on too much.

“You left me alone in Hell’s Kitchen.”

She’s not the mom, she’s the co-captain, and Sara should start treating her as such. Plus she’s pretty, and smart, and has shiny hair…

Davies interrupts the love-fest to apologize, too, for taking advantage of the kindness Sara offered, realizing he can’t just stop the war with no consequences.

“Wow, that apology? Nailed it.”

Ava still doesn’t love this promise idea, but Sara promises they will restore one (1) insignificant soul to the timeline as cleanly as possible and Ava doesn’t push it.

Nate and Fancy Zari apologize to Flannel Zari and she tells them to get along dammit before going back into the totem. They sort of do but I think there will always be a bit of a sibling vibe between them since they’re almost in-laws and that’s just fine with me.

Astra finds Behrad and tells him that she has a crush on him too and they almost kiss but he wants to take some time after this little breakthrough moment and learn who he is before entering into a relationship. And she’s okay with taking it slow.

I love Astra’s smile but I hate this pairing. I want Behrad to take his feelings and shove them back below deck.

And almost like a manifestation of my distaste for this pairing, Spooner struts in, still naked. Astra covers Behrad’s eyes but doesn’t look away, implying to me that this is not the first time she’s seen her gal pal in her birthday suit. Just saying.

Gary gets the team together and demands they apologize for acting so weird about them getting together, and Gideon, a little kinder now that she has her humanity flipped back on but with one last dose of reality to deal out, points out that it’s a little hypocritical of them to tell her that she can’t do her job well if she’s in a relationship, considering their captains are married, Behrad just professed his love for Astra who clearly has feelings for Spooner, Nate’s girlfriend is in a totem they use to fight bad guys, and Fancy Zari’s ex-boyfriend almost got them all killed. They realize she’s right and apologize to her; they’re still learning how to incorporate her into the team as a human instead of just their GPS and they promise to start treating her better.

Putting her money where her mouth is, Sara asks Gideon where she thinks they should go next. And Gideon says what at first they think is a joke but actually is her real suggestion: she says they should go save Archduke Franz Ferdinand, thus stopping World War I from ever happening.

“Listen I just think it’s the only way to ensure that The Apprentice never happens.”

And now, I’m hoping this is to lure out Evil Gideon and the RoboLegends by disrupting the timeline, and not that Gideon is broken, but we’ll see! Next week! When we go to a place called the Fixed Point which looks like the kind of nifty space bar you’d find in Killjoys, and I, for one, can’t wait.

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