It’s back! Welcome to the Interview With An Ex series, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their exes to ask them Five Simple Questions:
- How long did we date?
- Why did we break up?
- What did you learn from our relationship?
- What do you miss most about me?
- Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?
I met Courtney at my first ever A-Camp, which I attended my junior year of college. I had just started coming out as bi to my friends, mostly to explain why I had been bawling my eyes out over my “best friend” who I shared a bed with every night but who always had a boyfriend. Also though, after three years at my college in a sorority, I felt extremely self-conscious trying to break into the queer scene at my school, like everyone would think I was faking or something? Being twenty-one is so embarrassing.
Anyway, enter Courtney. Courtney had been in the same cabin as me, The Runaways, at her first camp. She seemed older than me and cooler than me, and she loved musicals. On the last day of camp, we spent the entire day together and it took until she put her hand on my knee at dinner for me to know she was flirting with me. We kissed at the A-Camp dance and I truly felt like I had arrived. Kissing a cutie at the queer dance! Who did I think I was!
From there, I went back to college and to the ever-persistent heartbreak that graduated two weeks later. It was, of course, an incredibly dramatic time, but Courtney and I continued to date long distance, due to a couple trips that she had planned that would take her through the Bay Area and near enough to me to figure out ways to see each other. Regrettably, I simply could not stop being in love with my college person (and couldn’t for…um…three whole more years after that, actually), and so eventually, being 22 and horrible at confrontation and breakups, I sort of started to pull away until eventually breaking up with her after she had left.
Now we are friends who live on opposite coasts, meaning we mostly respond to each other’s Insta stories. Courtney was nice enough to take a break during a truly hellish work week and answer my questions slash talk about why we’re the best exes of all time (we occasionally go to queer parties together and have a blast, namely). Hilariously, this series was why I subscribed to A+ way back around the time Courtney and I met! And now I get to do one! Huge for baby me.
Analyssa: I texted you these questions and now I don’t have them, so give me one second.
Courtney: I’m really excited about my answers already, so.
Analyssa: I think this is going to be fun, as I told my editors. I was like, “we met at A Camp, I was a jerk in the break up, I think it will be very fun and silly. Like I think it will be super easy.” And they were like “great”.
[Both laugh.]
Analyssa: So! The first question is, how long did we date?
Courtney: I had to think about this because the timeline is like, confusing to me, but I think it was only, it was like three months.
Analyssa: I think that’s right.
Courtney: It felt longer, but I think it was three or four months.
Analyssa: I think I would call it, yeah, three or four. It’s so crazy because I actually feel…in my memory it’s like, way shorter, but it was like through the summer.
Courtney: Yeah, yeah through most of the summer. Also it was 2015, which feels crazy. That was seven years ago.
Analyssa: That is horrendous. I’m going to tell you a weird thing that’s happening in my life right now which is that I’m dating my college ex-boyfriend. Um –
Courtney: Uh…fuck, what’s his name? Uh –
Analyssa: Louis.
Courtney: Yes, Louis! I remember him.
Analyssa: I was like, “I know that you will know who this is.”
Courtney: Yes! I remember you dated him before and you dated him after me.
Analyssa: Yep! That’s a classic –
Courtney: Uh-huh.
Analyssa: That’s a classic Analyssa move actually. Except I think that’s a classic Old Analyssa move. But um, the reason I bring it up is because I was thinking like “we started dating – he and I started dating seriously in 2015, and I was like, that is so long ago.” That’s seven years ago now. Like, it feels, I just feel 100 years old.
Courtney: Yeah, my early twenties feel like they were a hundred years ago. So it feels, also weird that it was seven.
Analyssa: For some reason it feels like, it’s kind of the thing where you know how 1980 feels like it should be twenty years ago but it’s now 40 years ago instead?
Courtney: Yeah.
Analyssa: I have that with like, college and my early twenties. I’m like, that should all be 5 years ago.
Courtney: Yeah, it should always be five years ago, and that’s it.
Analyssa: And it’s not five years ago anymore, actually.
[Both laugh.]
Courtney: Turns out.
Analyssa: Okay, glad we’re in agreement on how long. Uh, why did we break up?
Courtney: I think the short answer is you broke up with me, over text, uh, because you had other stuff going on. I won’t speak for your experience. But I think the longer answer is that both of us were in like, really transitional places at the time. Like we were both 22, you were nearing the end of college and you had also just come out and this was a first queer relationship. And I was in the middle of getting over one heartbreak and also breaking somebody else’s heart. And also moving to Portland in two months, and like, moving out of my parent’s house for the first time. So I feel like we were both in like, very weird places and we were…good for each other in the moment but like, also going through so many other things that our relationship was almost a crutch for it? If that makes sense?
Analyssa: Totally, I agree. This is all very um, adult and mature analysis from you.
Courtney: Well, I mean, if you recall, I wrote a very dramatic essay like two years after, that I think I shared with you about how like, our relationship was very important to me in that time because it was such an important time, but it also…I feel like this is actually going to answer the next question like what did I…was it “what did I gain from the relationship?”
Analyssa: Learn. What did you learn?
Courtney: Ah, what did I learn. Yes. A lot of our relationship ultimately ending, I couldn’t figure out why I was so hurt. Because I knew I liked you but like, we had only dated a few months. I was surprised by the breakup but I was like, very hurt by it. But in that, learned that ultimately I had taken a bunch of the stuff I had been feeling about the other folks I had been having feelings for and it all kinda got placed on you almost. Because I didn’t take any time to process those things, you and I just immediately jumped into doing that right after A-Camp. And I just didn’t give myself any time to process beign heartbroken and breaking someone who I cared about’s heart. So yeah, I feel like I learned my own way of navigating that kind of pain, particularly hurting someone else because I had not experienced that before.
Analyssa: Yeah, I think it’s so crazy to think about yes, how long ago that was but also how much both of us were going through at that particular A-Camp. Like to me, that A-Camp was like, yeah I’m trying to get over this insane thing that keeps breaking my heart at college that I had come out about and like, trying to find a community. I don’t know it just felt…and I was like, the youngest person in my Runaways cabin too, which was weird for me, I remember.
Courtney: Yeah.
Analyssa: It’s funny to think about that we actually are the same age. Because in my head, at camp, you were like three years older than me. Do you know what I mean?
Courtney: [laughs]
Analyssa: Like you had it so much more together, and like, I even remember talking to you about the things that were going on in your life and being like “God, Courtney has all this queer drama. She’s like, in her life and I’m not even there yet.” You know? Like “I’m just this little nothing.” I don’t know. It’s such a funny thing to think about now because we were both kind of lost and like, adrift and really liked each other and had a bunch of other stuff going on.
Courtney: Yeah, and it’s funny to hear that too, because I do not feel like that was the case at all. When I talk about being a mess in my early twenties, I specify about being 22. Like, 22 was a messy age. And at that particular time, I felt super lost. I was still living with my parents, I had just quit a job and was working as a barista and had my own feelings about not being “professional enough.” And even the “queer drama,” I didn’t feel like I really had a huge community. I just happened to have a lot of queer drama.
We both laugh
Analyssa: Yes, but you did have a really cool recording of yourself in Legally Blonde: The Musical. That was really big. For me.
Courtney: [laughs] I forgot about showing you that!! Oh no. You’re like one of maybe ten people total who have ever seen that.
Analyssa: Oh my god, that’s – that’s actually an honor to hear. I did not know that.
Courtney: Yeah I think it was only because you were like, I love this musical and then you looked at my Facebook and saw a picture of me in it. And I was like “oh this girl I have a crush on thinks this is cool, let me show it to her.”
Analyssa: Isn’t it funny how much Facebook used to play a role in flirting? At least for me it did, a lot of stuff happened on Facebook.
Courtney: Yeah. It was the resource for everything.
Analyssa: And now it simply doesn’t happen there anymore.
Courtney: Not at all. It’s Instagram.
Analyssa: Yeah, very much. But Instragram doesn’t have the fun sort of thing of, Facebook lurking someone’s page back a few months. Do you know what I mean? It’s not as…
Courtney: It’s different.
Analyssa: Yeah, the silliness of some of the Facebook stuff, I miss. Instagram is a little bit like “I’m seriously posting here, or I seriously am pursuing you, I have a crush and will DM you” I feel? As opposed to like “haha I’m gonna comment on something silly from your past, just so you’ll notice me!” Like that kind of stuff.
Courtney: Yeah, you’re right. Facebook was a very different time.
Analyssa: Agreed. Okay, what do you miss most about me?
Courtney: I think I miss us being in the same place more often. Because we don’t get a chance to hang out very much as friends, and in the times we have I’ve always had a delightful time with you. And I’m really happy with what our friendship has become, especially after a relationship that I think hurt me initially. So yeah, I think I just miss hanging out with you and getting to be more consistent friends. Like we check in via text sometimes and all that, but yeah. Hangin’ out in real life. Miss that.
Analyssa: I do too, I think that’s something that was like, even from when we met at A-Camp. I remember we spent that one whole day at camp together and I did not— I actually don’t know if you were hitting on me the whole day – but I did not understand at all—
Courtney: I was.
Analyssa: Laughs. I was just like “oh my god, we’re hitting it off, we’re such good pals.” And then at some point I was like “Oh I want to kiss. Also.”
Courtney: And then, we kissed.
Analyssa: And then we sure did kiss.
Courtney: And then there was kissing.
Analyssa: And that was my first –
Courtney: I feel like you should have…I mean, I know maybe it’s not as easy to pick up on flirting, I get that. But I mean I literally got a matching scissoring facepainting with you, which I feel like should have been an indication.
Analyssa: That is true. I was looking back at all the A-Camp and Pride photos that we did, and I was like “oh, no, we were very…” it was very obvious actually. I was just dumb.
Courtney: It was very gay.
Analyssa: It was very obvious and very gay. I think I just…literally the only gay thing that had happened in my life to date when we met was this person at college who would make out with me when we were drunk and who had gone abroad and would write me like, letters that were basically love letters but we didn’t talk about it. You know? So I wasn’t…I didn’t understand what real flirting looked like.
Courtney: Totally understandable. I think it was also processing like, the things I was going through. Because both the person I was heartbroken over and the person whose heart I had broken were both at camp as well. A-Camp!
Analyssa: Yeah, that is what A-Camp is like. And I was at camp to try to like, escape my college person for a weekend. I was like, I have to get out of here. I just, I can’t do it. So I don’t know it was just…I think of that A-Camp so fondly. It was the first time I was around that many queer people, which is true for a lot of people. I just think it was like, a very formative experience for me, in a lot of ways.
Courtney: Yeah, I totally get it! Your first camp was my second camp and I had had a very similar experience the first year. Which I think also is something we maybe bonded over initially, that like experiencing that queer community for the first time is so overwhelming but it’s such a unique feeling, to be around that many queer people and only queer people, for five whole days straight.
Analyssa: Big plug for A-Camp, is what this interview is turning into. Okay, the last question is would you invite me to your wedding and why or why not?
Courtney: I thought about this one, a lot. I think if I were having a smaller wedding, or like a more intimate wedding, the answer is no, probably not. Simply because you are my friend, but we are just not that close.
Analyssa: Fair enough.
Courtney: But if I was having a larger wedding, which I anticipate having, basically like a big queer party? I absolutely would invite you.
Analyssa: gasps Oh my gosh, that’s amazing! I am pretty fun at weddings. And I would be so thrilled to be at your wedding, I would be really really happy for you.
Courtney: Oh I know you would be fun. And also, yeah I would like to have you there, it would be fun. And I’ll probably end up having it in like, Joshua Tree or something.
Analyssa: You didn’t ask, but I will say I feel kind of the same way. If I were doing this big celebration, to me that experience and that time and the time we spent together, and as a friend, you’re very important to me.
Courtney: I feel the same.
Analyssa: So if I have a party that accommodates that, then great, that’s what I’d do.
Courtney: Cute! I’m glad we’re on the same page with that. I totally agree though, in that our relationship, however short, was such a big part of a transitional time for both of us that the importance of that relationship informed…the relationship I’m in now and it informed like, how I navigated relationships after. So I’d want you to be a part of that celebration too.
Analyssa: That’s so sweet. I think we did it!
Courtney: We did it! I do hope you use one of those pictures from Gay Asstrology for this.
Analyssa: Ugh, we should have talked about being great exes. I know, that one is really fun.
Courtney: Great exes, 10/10 exes.
Courtney, left, and Analyssa, right with matching scissoring face paint as if that wasn’t the biggest hint ever!!
SO CUTE. 10/10 interview.
I always loved this colum!!! Thank you both for sharing <3
LOVE this series, so happy to see it’s returned!!
This is very encouraging.
well i’m predictably obsessed with this and FLATTERED that my IG photo made it into this piece of autostraddle gold
WERE WE EVER SO YOUNG