I Don’t Understand What’s So Great About Therapy

Is there any room in the queer community to NOT think therapy is the end-all be-all solution to your problems? I’ve been in therapy quite a bit, and did have one therapist who helped me a lot through a specific issue before i moved and couldn’t see her anymore. but i haven’t really found the right person since then, and i really am starting to feel resistant to the idea that therapy is always a good idea, or always helpful, or totally the “cure” to all of one’s issues. every argument i make against therapy (e.g., i feel like they’re often on my side because they only hear my side) is met with, “well, a good therapist wouldn’t do that.” but it’s not like i’m only seeing bad therapists, like these are good therapists who work for other people. also how much time can i put into finding someone to listen to me talk about myself? i don’t know. it just feels like therapy is like VALORIZED and i’m curious if there’s anyone out there not sold on it.

Summer: I’m trained in therapy and did a Master’s in Psychology and I’m very careful about recommending therapy to anyone who asks questions. I think there’s a difference in context because the rise of mass-market talk therapy (more in the USA and Europe) has brought with it a matching wave of marketing. Marketing and general discourse now portrays therapy as this decade’s emotional cure-all. It used to be healthy eating and exercise. Then something else before it.

Large, for-profit therapy companies (like that very questionable BetterHelp) have an impetus to sell therapy as something that works and pull people in for a subscription-based monetization model. As BetterHelp’s track record shows, the quality of therapists and services isn’t a major priority. This will likely be the case in any large-scale online therapy provided in the USA because the US has so many loopholes and shortcuts that companies can take to start delivering therapy without upholding rigorous standards.

Therapy is a challenging process and finding a good provider is difficult at the best of times. A collapsing economy filled with predatory companies trying to score a subscription fee is far from the best of times. My personal view of therapy is that it warrants the same cost-benefit analysis as any other healthcare. I do believe that the ‘right therapist’ can utterly change your world and improve your life. But is the effort and money spent finding the ‘right therapist’ worth it compared to potential alternatives?

Mental health is not a single-facet thing. Marketing by counselling companies tries to bill themselves as a one-stop solution because that’s the solution they are selling. But mental health can be addressed in numerous ways and each one is different. Locking oneself into one path and excluding other possibilities for something as personalized as mental health is just a sure sign that someone has internalized the marketing. Talk therapy comes in numerous modalities depending on the provider’s qualifications and skills. And it’s personalized. It’s undoubtedly a good option, but it’s not the only option.

In my (individual) case, the biggest improvement in my mental health happened when I talked to my general practitioner about an SSRI. And then started that SSRI. And stayed on it. My mental health also improved dramatically after I got an autism assessment that allowed me to better understand my needs and thought processes. Neither of those were therapy, but they were more impactful than the two years I did spend in therapy. My time in therapy was insightful, but it wasn’t a silver bullet for my well-being and I’m glad I never had to put up with marketing and discourse about therapy being that solution when I was vulnerable.

Ashni: I’m sold on therapy, but only with the right person. I’ve been in and out of therapy for the past decade, though it’s been longer if you count the childhood therapy. I used to be a little insufferable about it in my early 20s. I’d want the people I was dating to be in therapy, I’d form value judgments about people who weren’t. None of this was fair, and even worse, it’s not like I was doing any meaningful work on myself in therapy at the time. I would show up, I’d run through the drama of the week (my goal was to make my therapist laugh; I often succeeded), I’d be validated or maybe asked a few probing questions if I was lucky, and then I’d be sent on my way, one copay poorer and having done the equivalent of writing in my diary. Or at least, that’s how it felt. I had a few, fleeting experiences with good therapists early on (first an OCD therapist, and then a relationship therapist that my best friend and I used), but for the most part, the therapists I saw in my early/mid 20s were decidedly mid. Great for other people, just not for me.

I have an excellent therapist now (I’m being challenged to grow and change!) but to your point about how much time you’d want to put in to find someone good, I spent a long time looking for her, and she came on the heels of a string of mediocre therapists (I settled, for a long time, because I thought it was better to be in therapy even with someone who wasn’t great just so that I’d have someone on retainer in case things went horribly awry). I do firmly believe that the right therapist can work wonders, but it can take a lot of time and energy to find someone who’s a good fit, and that might not be worth it to you right now. That’s okay. But if you’re still on the fence about whether it’s worth it, I’d encourage you to continue on in your search a little longer. The worst that happens is you cross a few more names off your list. But the best that happens? You find someone who’s actually a great fit for you.

Riese: I do think it can help sometimes to take pressure off your other interpersonal relationships to have a therapist who is paid to listen to you talk about the things you’re obsessing over that nobody else in your life wants to hear you talk abut anymore. Just, hypothetically.

You’re not wrong that therapy doesn’t always help, or that there are some types of people who will use therapy to validate destructive or unhealthy behavior in a way that is not necessarily productive for that person’s life or relationships. Therapists can be misled or manipulated. And there are some who aren’t very good! I’ve had four good therapists in my life, all whomst I’ve seen for multiple years, and then … eight? Who I stopped seeing because they weren’t a good fit. It’s very hit or miss.

I started going out with this woman. She’s my first fling and first hookup but she won’t stop calling me a baby gay and talking about how little i know. I know I’m behind but I’m worried I’m not… lesbian enough or something

Summer: Like most diminutive turns of phrasing, ‘baby gay’ is cute until it stops being cute. She probably thinks it’s endearing and considers herself a guiding presence since she’s your first fling + hookup. But that’s no help when it’s starting to affect your self-esteem.

My usual suggestion is to talk to her about it and express your feelings. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable and why. Then use her response to gauge whether she’s a good fit for your life, since it will show how she responds to someone setting boundaries.

Oh, and uh… you are lesbian enough. Or gay enough. A ‘baby gay’ is still gay, after all.

Valerie: I agree that to her she probably finds it endearing, and not like you’re not “enough” but I can see how that kind of talk could make you self-conscious. Plus, if you’re actively flinging with her, you’re probably out of “baby gay” status by now, so you can definitely ask her to stop or tell her how it makes you feel or just clarify why she keeps talking about it. Instead of talking about how little you know, she could just be teaching you. There’s no such thing as “behind” – whether you come out at 12 or 92, if you’re a lesbain, you’re a lesbian. There’s no too gay or not gay enough, there’s no “right” way to be a lesbian, that’s just not how any of this works, and I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel that way.

Ashni: Well, you’re dating her, so you’re certainly lesbian enough. I’m sorry that she’s saying this to you! I want to assume positive intent here, that maybe this is meant to be a joke that’s being poorly delivered, but there’s a part of me that’s stuck on the power imbalance of it all, and I don’t love that she’s playing into it, even if it is a joke. I’d say something to her about how you don’t like it, or would appreciate if she didn’t say something like that again. If she continues, that’s your (unfortunate) answer.