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When you have health problems as a toddler, you get comfortable with needles. Comfortable with doctors, comfortable with discomfort, comfortable with unknowns. For the first 18 years of my life, rarely a year went by where something wasn’t wrong with me. And yet, I’ve always been in awe of my body like someone perpetually stoned. Hands?? Have you ever thought about hands?? My occasional disdain for my body’s fragility (and, let’s be honest, its transness) has always been paired with wonder.

I got my first trans surgery a couple months ago, and I went into FFS with as much curiosity about the experience as I had excitement for the results. Despite all my health problems as a kid, the only surgery I’d ever had was wisdom teeth extraction. And it seemed hands-level cool to have bone and cartilage carved and my hairline reshaped, tugged forward, and stapled back together.

Two months later, my wonder is gone. I didn’t even get that many procedures done, and yet the hairline especially is taking so long to heal. I’m over it! I stepped on a piece of broken glass last week and just felt like HOW CAN THERE BE SOMETHING ELSE WRONG. I guess the idea being, since I’m still recovering from surgery, I should temporarily become a hobbit with tough hairy feet?

Luckily, my girlfriend and I managed to get the glass out after a few days, and I do think my head is looking a bit better. I know it just takes time for the body to do all those things that are so impressive. But God am I ready to properly style my hair again and wear a full face of makeup and look HOT.

Since recovery has turned me into a homebody, I’ve been watching even more TV and movies than usual. My two current obsessions are 1) Succession. Have you heard of this show? Just kidding. I’m the last person to watch it, and you were all right!! It’s amazing!! I’m almost done with season three and it’s the main thing I want to talk about at any given moment. 2) The Criterion Channel’s Vietnam War series programmed by Tony Bui is an excellent cross-section of films that includes but goes beyond the famous works from the American perspective. The series features one of my all-time favorite films When the Tenth Month Comes which I rewatched and which inspired me to finally seek out more films from its director Đặng Nhật Minh. Highly recommend this program, and Đặng Nhật Minh’s work specifically. The way I deal with living through one horrifying moment in history is trying to learn more about other horrifying moments in history.

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