Sex/Lifeis a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. We send them nosey questions, they record themselves answering them, and we transcribe that conversation for all of us to enjoy. All names have been changed and any identifying details removed.
Rowan and Rooney have been together in a monogamous relationship for almost a year. They both live in Chicago and are 29. Rowan is trans and queer, a graphic designer/illustrator and nanny whose hobbies include soccer, cooking and sewing. Rooney’s a pansexual creative producer who likes to collage, bake and collect knick-knacks.
And this is how they fuck.
How has your sex life changed since the beginning of your relationship?
Rowan: I don’t feel like it’s changed that much. The frequency is the same. We were very intentional from the beginning.
Rooney: I agree, and I’d say the only thing that feels different now is that we’ve just had more time to nurture our intimacy and learn more about each other’s desires and bodies.
Rowan: We’ve just added more to it.
Rooney: Yeah. And it feels just as exciting to explore with you as it was at the start.
Do you live together? If you do not live together, talk to us about why you’ve made that decision and how it has impacted your sex life.
Rowan: It’s not necessarily a decision we made because we’re just not there yet, but we do spend almost every night together.
Rooney: We live a 15-minute walk from each other, so.
Rowan: Honestly, I don’t know. I guess the question doesn’t fit us, but our living situation did change. When we first started dating, neither of us had a place for sex without an ex or a family member.
Rooney: The issue of privacy has been resolved since I got my own place, and that has impacted our sex life by taking away a stressor.
Rowan: Yeah, it’s freeing.
Rooney: We did enjoy car sex though, as a workaround before.
Do you have a top/bottom dynamic?
Rowan: Yes and no. Naturally, yeah, we both have more comfortable roles, but we aren’t stuck. We’re open to exploring and do explore, but we definitely have a default dynamic.
Rooney: I feel like it’s nice to be with someone who is like, yeah, I do enjoy this dynamic, but I’m also open to exploring things outside of that — the curiosity and play aspect of it.
Rowan: I think personally as somebody who’s trans and with dysphoria, the only reason I’m comfortable enough to explore switching that dynamic and taking on the dynamic of being the bottom is because I feel so secure and comfortable in our normal dynamic. It doesn’t give me dysphoria.
Do you feel like your sex drives are well-matched?
Rowan: Yes.
Rooney: Yes.
Rowan: I feel like maybe mine is a little bit higher, but not so much higher that it’s not a good match.
Rooney: I mean, not that being a slut is directly related to a high sex drive, but we found each other on an app because I put “slut for slut” in my profile, so I knew what I was looking for.
Rowan: Same.
Rooney: … yeah, I would say that we are well-matched for our energy and desires.
Rowan: That was something we connected on from the beginning.
Are there specific things you like to do during sex or things you don’t like to do?
Rowan: I really feel like we have a very wide range of ways that we like to enjoy sex, so it’s hard for me to choose one thing. I know that I don’t like candle wax, but that’s—
Rooney: On you.
Rowan: Yeah, on me. That’s about it for me.
Rooney: There’s plenty of specific things that we like to do. All of them come from a place of curiosity and exploration. We do a lot of things that explore different sensory experiences like candles and impact. Things we don’t like to do? I personally like to go a bit slower to ramp up up into sex.
Rowan: Right, one thing we do every time is —
Rooney: Foreplay?
Rowan: Yeah. And getting grounded. I feel like that’s a big point of that.
Rooney: Like our breathing?
Rowan: If one of us is having a hard time fully being there, we’ll take some breaths together. And it’s been very helpful —I wasn’t expecting to feel the way that I feel when we do that. But I really like that.
What are some things you’d like to try or try again?
Rooney: We got a list!
Rowan: A never-ending list! I think at the top of the list is rope. But that one’s harder ‘cause you can’t just try it, you need to know what you’re doing.
Rooney: You gotta get educated and learn and practice.
Rowan: Yeah, you’ve gotta be safe.
Rooney: That one’s up there. We’re definitely exploring anal —and some water sports even.
How important are orgasms to your sex life?
Rowan: That one is kind of in the process of changing. I mean, I think it is obviously a desire for most people, and fortunately it’s usually pretty achievable for both of us. But with things we’re going through in our lives, sometimes that’s been harder to achieve. So we’re just focused on taking that pressure off and enjoying all parts of sex without feeling an orgasm has to happen.
Rooney: In the past, my sex life was very much centered on achieving orgasms. While that was very fun, it also was limiting in terms of the sensations and how present I could feel during sex if I wasn’t just trying to reach a goal.
And it’s also like — I don’t know, orgasms are feeling more important and different, as I get older. The more I have sex, the more I feel like I can have good secure sex with you — literally just started crying during orgasms, which is new for me, but is a thing. So we think about it and we’re very intentional about it.
What role does masturbation play in your sex life?
Rowan: That’s also something we’re navigating.
Rooney: Nuance!
Rowan: It does play a role in our sex life, but I don’t think it’s something that we’re like… It’s not a part of our sex life at the same time though.
Rooney: It’s almost like… supplementary? Like you’ll text me when we’re not together and tell me that you’re masturbating thinking about me and what you’re thinking about, and I find that really hot. So it can feel very complimentary to our sex. And sometimes masturbating is very much a more solo personal individual experience.
I think that there’s enough we want to explore together —before meeting each other, we were both in long-term eight and five-year long relationships where it kind of turned into just masturbating. And so I think that’s something that we’re trying to be really cautious of.
Tell us about your favorite or most memorable time you’ve had sex together.
Rowan: I think for me it’s car sex. I mean, really any time. They’re all my favorite for different reasons. But that was — even if it’s not the best sex we ever had, the experience of it and what it meant to me and how it felt like it fulfilled the dumb teenage fantasies that I had but had never got to live out. I just felt like a dumb teenager and it was really healing. And yeah, I think we’ve gotten pretty good at it.
Rooney: It’s so hard to pick a favorite! But that one’s up there with when you got me that glass dildo, which I’d never tried—
Rowan: Since I’ve met you, you have had a goal of wanting to squirt, and so obviously the first time that happened, I don’t think either of us will forget that.
Rooney: That was very memorable.
Rowan: Yeah. That’s it.
Rooney: That’s it!
