Dear Dreamers,
Howdy, hello. How are you? Fall is officially here, yes, but everything in Oklahoma is still green, at least that which hasn’t dried up in the sun. As I write to you I sit in my backyard, in a patch of shade, thinking, as I am wont to do. My birthday has come and gone, and my Saturn Return has made itself clear, apparent. Now comes the season of ghosts, though you must remember there are always ghosts.
In the past few weeks, I’ve done little else but read, write, listen to music, and sleep, when I’m not working. I have filled documents with thousands of words, and yet find myself incapable of expressing most of those words aloud, though some of them are indeed nice words, strung together in a pattern my ear has decided on. This, I think, is fine. Perhaps my body is preparing for something my mind resists, that semi-permeable membrane of the Beyond becoming a little more… well, permeable.
But perhaps that discussion is better left for our Halloween edition.
Sending you definitely not spooky vibes,
Cowboy
Queer Dream Interpretation
I have the same recurring dream over and over. I am departing for London, either by plane or train, and I’m late for my flight. I’m frantically packing my suitcase, but even as I’m throwing shit in the bag, I know I’m gonna be late. I still always hustle to the train station or airport and try to make it, but I never do. I’ve had this dream multiple times a year for over a decade. It’s always London and it’s always a plane or train I’m trying to catch!
– Ashley
Dear Ashley,
Thank you for the gift of your dream. While this dream, on the surface, might appear to us as a classic Anxiety Dream, it also speaks to me of something else, the kind of futility that repetition and routine can bring about. For even though you go through the motions of packing your suitcase, you still know you are going to be late, and yet you do it anyway. The recurrent nature of this dream matches this kind of repetition and routine and clarifies for me that, while the destination itself is London each time (though this is interesting), this should not be the focal point of this interpretation.
That said, what should be the focal point? Well, first, I’d like you to consider what occurred a decade ago, or came into your awareness a decade ago, that you’re still mulling over in your mind, whether it be a single choice, a pattern of behavior, or a relationship. But Cowboy, you may say, I can think of nothing! And yes, I can accept that, too, but I’d still like you to consider it. You’ll continue to have this dream, I reckon, until this loop is closed. Ask yourself: What makes you think that it’s too late to arrive at your destination? What compels you to go through the motions of life instead of actually living it (in some respects)? These are questions only you can answer, but they are worth the time and effort you take in exploring them.
Remember dear Dreamers, it is almost never too late.
See you on the other side,
CC
Queer Tarot Reading
Will I ever accept being a parent?
– Ashley
Dear Ashley,
Hello again! And thank you for the gift of your question, which for me ties perfectly into the gift of your dream. Before we begin in earnest, I do want to say that there is absolutely NO judgement for me on this query, nor am I suggesting a large or substantial life reorientation before deep consideration. Still, I want you to know that your vulnerability in asking is sacred to me, and I don’t take it lightly!
Thanks for letting me get on my soapbox. Now, into more pressing matters. Your question, on the surface, is simple, but both you and I know that there are a myriad of pressure points inside of it. If you weren’t questioning and experiencing doubts, I would be worried. For doubt is, in my belief, one of our healthiest reflexes. Rich, coming from a mystic, I know, but it is true. Before you, you have a life that many queer people would covet and do covet, and though you aren’t gnawing at the bars of your enclosure or anything, you are, well, a little uncomfortable with it all.
Maybe uncomfortable isn’t the right word. Maybe… skeptical is better. For where is the instant bond? Where is the ease of family life that everyone speaks of? For you, and for others struggling with these same questions, I offer a gentle reminder. Bonds, and bonding, take time. The parent-child dichotomy is, in itself, sacred, but we must unmoor ourselves from what society at large thinks of parenthood, and instead interrogate our own hang-ups and misconceptions. There is a way to retain one’s self and still give love, kindness, and respect to the one one is raising. Yes, it can be difficult, but it is almost always worth it.
For you, Ashley, and as evidenced by the card I pulled for you (THE EMPEROR), you will eventually accept being a parent, but not until you unmoor yourself from the archetypes of mother and father. Let your gender, in all its vibrancy, shine through in your parenting as well. There is always more give than we think.
See you on the other side,
CC
A Queer Fertility Ritual
This ritual, which I’ve devised to be friendly to newcomers and first-timers, is especially dedicated to my friends H. and K., who are currently on a queer fertility journey themselves. To all my future IVF/IUI/etc. nieces and nephews, I love y’all already.
SUPPLIES:
- A white candle of any shape or size, unscented
- A glass jar of any size with a lid (I know you gays have these)
- A spoon
- Oats
- Sugar
- Cinnamon
- Paper
- Pen
Step One: With your partner(s) — or alone, if you are taking this journey solo — gather your supplies and proceed to a space where you can concentrate. Cleanse, in whatever way feels correct, and make sure to include your supplies in this cleansing. For example, if using smoke, pass it over the supplies. If using lavender spray or oil, sprinkle a sparing amount over it.
Step Two: Light your candle. In this case, for beginners, I recommend lighting the candle and saying: “I light this candle in honor of my best and highest. I only welcome what I seek to welcome. I banish any negativity. So be it.” But really, anything you feel led to say is just fine. The point here is to light your candle and center yourself, but you can also call forward fertility spirits, etc etc.
Step Three: Open your jar, and use the spoon to scoop oats (measure with your heart here) into the jar. While you’re doing this, say: “Oats, for prosperity, fertility, and ease.” Then, do the same with the sugar, saying: “Sugar, for the sweetness of life, and for reward of my efforts.” Finally, sprinkle the cinnamon, saying “Cinnamon, for my success, power, and easy planting.”
Step Four: With the pen and paper, write down your timeline/goals/best case scenario. Be detailed here! Avoid putting your worries on paper, for this (but do feel free to journal about them). Fold the paper into a rectangle/square (whatever will fit in the jar) and write SO BE IT on the outside. Place the paper into the jar and seal it with the lid.
Step Five: Drip some candle wax onto the jar’s lid. You don’t have to completely “seal” it, just as long as some of the wax is on the jar itself. Then, give the jar a gentle shake, just to further incorporate the ingredients you have used. Blow out your candle, and remember to say thank you. Place the jar wherever you’d like (for me it would go on my altar, for others a bedside, others a bookshelf). If you feel led, you can also re-up the jar by lighting the candle again, repeating the “I light this candle…” incantation, and dripping more wax upon the jar.
Finally, remember that these steps should be undertaken among other preparations, but calling in blessings can never hurt. I’m sending you the best of luck.
Cowboy Clairvoyant is a members-only newsletter and series by Autumn Fourkiller featuring dream interpretation, tarot answers, and more ventures into the Beyond.
