Q:
I (32, NB) have been dating my partner (32, NB) for about a year. They were previously married and have been divorced for several years. Early in our relationship, my partner told me in great detail about many horrible things their ex did and said to them during their marriage. He (the ex) did a lot of very cruel things that damaged my partner’s self worth. He never apologized or acknowledged the harm he caused. And he continually misgenders and dead names my partner.
Despite this, my partner is unconditionally supportive towards him. They talk on the phone every day, text constantly, they send him gifts “just because,” and they say things like “I’m pretty sure I’m his only friend.” I generally think being on good terms with your ex is a good thing, but I’m finding myself unsettled by the fact that they continue to be an involved and supportive friend to someone who did and said awful things to them. I’ve tried gently bringing it up to them and they insist their ex is “pretty nice these days” and that they “have known each other for so long it just makes sense to be friends.” But it makes me feel weird, and I’m having a harder and harder time feigning my own support when they talk about him.
Am I valid to be unsettled? And is there anything I can do to facilitate a conversation with them about this? I hate seeing them bending over backwards for someone who doesn’t respect them.
A:
Well. This is a lot to think about.
Yes, you’re valid to feel unsettled by the whole situation. I’ll explain.
There’s nothing wrong with remaining friends with exes. I’m (long distance) besties with one and acquainted with another. My current partner and I are preparing to separate after seven years together, and we’re still keeping the friendship alive. Whether you should be friends with exes is a long-running conversation in my life, and I firmly believe that there’s a place for it. My only decisive objection is unresolved abuse.
Which is exactly the thing your partner seems to have with their ex-husband.
For people who haven’t been in abusive relationships, your partner’s interactions with this abusive ex-spouse seem outlandish. However, you and I are external parties. We have the detachment needed to see more facts of the situation. Your partner doesn’t because they’re still in it. I’m even leaning toward arguing that your partner is still in an abusive (non-romantic) relationship with this ex-husband. I’ll elaborate on that later. First, a discussion about abuse.
We know about the impact of long-term abuse on self-esteem and personality. Besides violating people’s agency, it warps people’s sense of self and thought processes. Abusive relationships can alter neurochemistry and keep it disorganized long after the relationship ends. The outward manifestation of that damage looks like the stuff you see in your partner. Continued deference to a source of trauma. Being unusually willing to tolerate indiscretions. Questionable decision-making.
Recovery from this long-term harm is always possible. Recovery is a highly individual process, and everyone mends different faculties at different rates. It’s non-linear. Some people struggle to date for a long time after abuse but have their work and friendships back on track very quickly. Others are right back in the dating pool but need years to move past the nightmares and flashbacks.
Now, healing is personalized and meets everyone differently, but I’ve never encountered a school of thought that says remaining in contact with the abuser is good for healing. Especially if the abuser has not accepted responsibility for their actions and done sustained, visible work to improve. When abuse is one-sided, it’s about shifting the weight of stress and violence onto the victim. Although it’s not the same as justice, shifting the weight of atonement and personal change back to the abuser is one way to redress what happened and facilitate healing.
That’s not happening here. Your partner is in an abusive relationship turned abusive friendship that’s replicating the power structure and violence of their marriage at a smaller scale. That’s better than an abusive marriage, but hardly aspirational. In fact, I wonder if they’re tolerant of their current indignities because in their mind, it’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be.
The abusive relationship downgraded into an abusive friendship plays out in several ways based on your letter alone. Persistent misgendering and deadnaming? If it’s intentional (I’m guessing it is), that’s a stab right at their dignity that upholds a piece of the husband-wife relationship they used to have. Feeling pressured to care for the well-being of an abusive person because they might otherwise have nobody? That’s just a softer version of, “I can’t leave because if I do, they’ll have nobody and hurt themselves.” Downplaying the ex-husband’s lack of remorse or current bad behavior? Utterly textbook experience for people who’ve been abused, present author included.
I think you’ve already had those thoughts, but seeing it written down by an internet person can help crystallize it. I’m sorry to say that the hardest part is still to come.
You can’t safely tell them this right now.
People who have left abusive situations and have been given time to process their memories often see these outside perspectives as a step to healing. That’s because they’ve got enough distance and security to process the really bad stuff in their past. Your partner is still in touch with their abuser. They’re still absorbing said abuser’s perspectives and emotional vandalism. Telling them these kinds of insights is risky. It could be the shocker they need to break away. It could also drive them toward their ex-husband for support.
The harm of abuse bears similarities to anxiety, phobia, and addiction. It insidiously alters our rational decision-making to make us more compliant to the source of suffering. Normalization, justification, and minimization are the vehicles for that alteration.
My actual advice to you?
Consider your partner to still be in an abusive relationship and act accordingly. Not an abusive relationship in the intimate partner/romantic sense. A damaging friendship with one foot caught in the quicksand of the past. I suspect their behavior toward the ex-husband (and you) won’t make sense until you view it through the lens of active, ongoing, and persistent abuse rather than a past measure. That’s my read of your situation, and this framing gives you more measures to face it.
Your partner is always phoning and texting the ex. They supply gifts and emotional support to someone who persistently disrespects them. They’re still enmeshed in their abuser’s life. What they need most is patience and a gentle diversion back to agency. That’s above both our paygrades. If you have the means, please consider couples counseling or solo counseling for them. Good therapists provide gentleness and patience that becomes a counterpoint to the erosion of someone’s rationality. If counseling is an option, it’ll give your partner a detached, but supportive person to discuss this trauma.
For your part? I recommend the same things to anyone in proximity to abuse. Be present, kind, and patient to the best of your ability. Don’t forsake your well-being — confide in your friends and family. Build a team of great people who can give you diverse, but reliable perspectives and support. Digest reliable resources and seek professional assistance if you can. Stabilize yourself and the next step will come to you.
This may not be the answer you wanted to hear. It’s not the one I was hoping to write when I read the title. I figured it was a friendship after the abuse was resolved and forgiveness had been reached. This goes much deeper. Your role as a partner has become more complicated and you’ll have to decide what the role is. For everyone’s well-being.
P.S. DON’T try to facilitate a conversation with your partner and their abuser. Mediating a serious interpersonal conflict is difficult even for professionals. And unrepentant perpetrators are the worst people to mediate.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
To the writer writing in for advice – your partner has lied to you about their ex. I’ve seen this play out dozens upon dozens of times with people who are extremely manipulative including my own ex who sold me the same bill of goods, but then endlessly defended her ex and kept her firmly on the hook throughout our relationship until I left.
They sell you a story of abuse, neglect, misunderstandings but then the reality does not match up. They’re still in touch, still good friends, or defending them endlessly. Which makes no sense. Why would someone tell you a person is bad, manipulative, abusive, to then speak to them on the phone every day? Because they weren’t abusive. Because people do not do this when they’re in new, fresh relationships unless they are getting something from their ex you are not providing them (could be financial, could be that the ex is emotionally wrapped up and falling for her pity stories).
It would not surprise me in the slightest that you’re the bad guy to the ex too. I don’t agree that this is unresolved abuse or naivety. I have seen it play out among past friends in relationships manipulating and lying, and my own ex partners. People do not stay in touch with exes every single day unless there’s still something going on between them, and they definitely do not make excuses to stay in touch with someone they have admitted to abusing them unless they’re extremely unhealed and damaged.
For my own self respect, I walked away. All of my suspicions of my partner, whom I adored at the time, were correct. For your own self respect, you should walk away too. This is not someone who is invested in a relationship with you if they spend every single day on the phone to their ex husband and sending him gifts. Please snap out of it.