Should I Listen To My Girlfriend’s Scorned Ex?

Q

Q: I have a new girlfriend and we are over the moon after a few months and we both fell fast and hard. We did exchange I love yous after 2 weeks and I’m really smitten!!! Now, an ex of hers found me on LINKEDIN and messaged me to tell me to be careful, because my girlfriend had love bombed her and cheated on her. According to my current girlfriend, that’s actually what this ex did to her. When I told her about the message she got upset in a way I have not seen her be upset before, saying that’s total bullshit and she feels so violated. I need to put it out of my mind but now I find myself looking for red flags, in a new way. How do I let go and trust?

A:

Nico: Not to be that person, but I think you should get coffee with your partner’s ex. Maybe I just think a lot of conflicts can be mitigated with some face to face time. I’m not saying there’s anything there to learn or investigate, and if she’s lying, you’ll know pretty quickly and you won’t have to entertain it. However, personally, it would take a lot for me to reach out to an ex’s current partner, and I would only do it if I thought I was helping that person, so if someone reached out to me, I would want to talk.

Now, is meeting your partner’s ex for coffee (or getting on a phone call) something you should do lightly, well, ever, or in your situation, given the emotional response this brought out in your partner? No, I don’t think it is at all. However, 2 weeks is a short amount of time to have elapsed between dating and saying “I love you.” That is in fact a love-bombing timeline. I’m not saying you’re experiencing love bombing, just that this can be the speed of it. I think, if the ex is open to it, maybe try and meet up with her and bring a friend along so you have a second pair of ears? It’s not like your girlfriend said she was dangerous — she’s just supposed to have cheated, so there’s probably not much risk in you talking to her. I also am deeply concerned by the response from your partner. I don’t know why she blew up so much if she knows she has your love and trust. She can certainly share negative feelings with you, like being hurt by her ex continuing to try to manipulate people in her life, but I don’t understand this single message warranting being upset more than you’ve ever seen her upset before.

Summer: …well this sounds like a right fuckin’ nightmare.

Look, I know that sharing the I love you at two weeks might set off alarms for some people. I won’t judge that. I’ve been in relationships where that happened and nobody was actively abusive. I think you’ve got options but I hate seeing trust in a new relationship fractured so early in such an unusual way.

For one, if you’re willing to take your girlfriend at her word, you can let the topic rest and just keep an eye out on her behavior. The only good thing about that message (from LinkedIn of all places) is that you have forewarning if your girlfriend is the antagonist here. I’m not saying that you’re meant to be a behavioral enforcer or anything, but now’s a good time to step back from the infatuations and love and evaluate your months-old relationship. Have you had conflicts or arguments? If so, how were they resolved? How did you and your girlfriend handle disagreements? Do you feel like your girlfriend makes you a more capable person despite differences?

These are useful reflective questions at any stage in a relationship, but you can evaluate your experiences until this point and see if anything pings. I think that’s one of the only ways you can get through this without involving more people. ‘Cause the way I see it is, if your girlfriend is innocent of this, she’ll rightfully and predictably defend herself. If she’s actually guilty of what was sent to you… she will expectedly defend herself because she’s incentivized to do it anyway. You won’t be able to reasonably get straight answers out of her, especially while the incident is fresh.

So other than ignoring more third parties from her previous relationship (previous friends, her friends, your mutual friends, etc.) in an investigation, you’re going to have to take each day as it comes. And remember that launching a solo investigation into her friend group risks things getting back to her, or other disclosures you don’t want to know. She may rightfully feel violated by it.

Riese: I really did read this question and think, how has this befallen us, because it puts some of my most fiercely held principles in competition with each other so I have to pick the one I care about the most!

Firstly, I find your ex getting upset in a way she has never been upset before, as well as the two weeks to “I love you,” to be a little familiar to me in a very iffy way, especially with love bombing being an accusation. But honestly; if an ex of mine reached out to my current partner like this and they truly were lying about me, I don’t know that I’d be angry so much as hurt and confused and anxious. Honestly I’d want to talk to the ex about why they were saying stuff like this, but I can’t imagine reacting in a way that would concern my current partner to the degree that you seem to feel concerned (but I could be projecting a lot onto your brief description of their reaction.) Ultimately, I’d be confident that my truth would win out.

On the other hand,  I tend to be skeptical of people who attempt to meddle in their ex’s lives post-breakup — unless they are reaching out because your safety is at risk. It’s also something I could never imagine doing personally, firstly because exes who’ve managed to manipulate me, I know would have that same power over who they dated after me, so I’d never think my words would matter. If anything I’d expect them to bond the new couple more intensely by giving them some manufactured adversity and Bad Guy to triumph over together. Also, I wouldn’t do this because I would be low-key scared of how said ex would react or what they would do or say to me! The chance of me getting through to the new girl would feel in the realm of zero. Plus, and perhaps this is naive of me, there is always the possibility that my ex has changed and won’t treat the new girl in the same way that they treated me, and I have to make room for that. That said, if a new partner reached out to me for help or advice or to get clarity about my ex’s behavior, I would be completely honest, available and supportive. (This has happened to me before.)

I don’t know. This is a fucking pickle.

Ashni: Okay I do think it’s a little wild to be reaching out on LinkedIn of all places, but … there are some red flags here and I think you should continue to pay attention to them. You don’t have to respond to the ex, but I would pay attention to the parts of yourself that are struggling to trust. What are they trying to tell you? Or protect you from?

How To Get More Involved in Queer and Kink Communities While Maintaining COVID Precautions

Q

I really want to get more involved in my local queer, kink, and queer kink communities. While I’ve been out as trans and queer for a long time (15 years this December), I feel I became very disconnected from other queer and trans people over the years. I live in London, which does have a pretty decent event scene for both categories, and I’m definitely looking for socialising and events rather than relationships (I have multiple long-term partners, and while I’m not saturated I’m not itching for more).

The issue is I’m still taking COVID precautions (masking indoors in public, using nasal sprays, everyone testing before going inside together unmasked, having air purifiers in my home etc). My nesting partner is immunocompromised and my mother is on chemo, and keeping them both as safe as possible is really important to me. I have never found a single COVID-conscious event in the UK, queer or otherwise. While I know I can just mask at non COVID-conscious events, I’ve always been the only person I see doing it and I’ve found that people clearly avoid socialising with me, even if I’m making the effort to try to start conversation. I don’t feel I really have the social experiences I’m looking for.

I have thought about making my own events, but honestly I do not have the connections to be able to do that with any level of success. Sometimes I’m not sure if there’s anything I can really do other than just wait out for nasal vaccines to become available in 2+ years time. But I do already feel very lonely, and sometimes I definitely sense a frustration with my level of precaution among the few queer friends I do have. My girlfriend and I just had our first threesome with a friend and it was easy and amazing and hot! We are both very monogamous in terms of dating other people or having sex with other people alone but a foursome with a hot couple or a threesome like we had are both super interesting to us… We have both only been in monogamous closed relationships before so this is new territory and I was wondering if any of you have advice for hookups like this to make sure everyone keeps having the the best hottest time.

A

Valerie: I think you CAN host your own events. I guarantee there are other queer folks in your area looking for COVID-concious events, too. You can start small, with low expectations, just a meetup at a park or something and see who shows up, nothing you have to shell out money for at first. You might have to do two or three before more people start to show. Start a Discord specifically for COVID-conscious queers, be explicit about the kind of community you’re looking for, and build it up from there. Eventually you’ll have enough people to plan proper events with rented out or booked spaces, etc. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth a try to find likeminded people.

Nico: I don’t know why things seem culturally so different where you are in the UK around COVID-consciousness, but many of the queer kink events near me are explicitly masked and ask people to test prior. You live in a major metropolitan area, so by the numbers, there just have to be other people who’re on the same page as you. The trick is finding them.

I think making your own events is hands-down the way to go here. You can start small. Try inquiring at your favorite queer bars and event spaces about whether they’d be interested in having a kink night of some kind. A crew in my city recently threw a kinky spelling bee at a queer bar where you could either be disqualified for misspelling a word, or accept “punishment.” There was no nudity and no sex because it was a bar and not a private club, but I think that makes for a more meeting-new-people kind of atmosphere. I heard it was a fun and good time and that the place is packed. I think if you start off with something low-stakes and light-hearted like that, that you’ll have a good chance of success. Also, consistency is key! I had a friend who started hosting a Saturday morning open house every week where he made bagels and fed them to whoever showed up. Sometimes other people brought things to share, or puzzles, or nothing at all. Over time, it grew into a whole thing that wound up getting written about in the City Paper, but of course the first several weeks had a small turnout. So, I don’t want you to be discouraged either if at first there are only a few people — things will grow!

As far as finding people, I think Valerie is totally right in terms of starting a Discord or other online / social media group in order to connect with people, and to possibly find co-event-runners. Wishing you tons of luck!

Summer: Wow yeah, there’s no overreacting here. You’re right in that there is a lack of COVID-safe anything anymore. With the bulk of The Pandemic in the past, the current strains of COVID are generally milder but still dangerous to vulnerable populations. Depending on where you are in the world, COVID infections may just be a blip on medical radar rolled up into other respiratory coronaviruses. But that’s only a sanctuary for people who have working immune systems.

If you’re still open to trying out existing events with your mask precautions available, I’d contact event organizers if you haven’t done so already. Consider explaining your case for why you’re showing up masked and to see if accommodations can be made to communicate this to other attendees so they know that your intent is the same as theirs. Discuss it like a disability accommodation (because indirectly speaking, it is) and see if the disability-friendly atmosphere of many kink events kicks in on your side.

I also support the sentiment that setting up your own event is possible. This won’t be easy at first, especially if funding is required. However, if you have an established relationship with existing event organizers, there might be room for you to wiggle in and pitch the idea of a COVID-safe event. Or pitching an event where masking is part of the theme. Kink makes heavy use of masks, body coverings, and other gear that could be integrated into play. Part of me thinks if everyone is in a mask, then nobody stands out.

I’m also keeping an eye on more convenient COVID vaccines in the future due to my respiratory disability. COVID infections hit me like a sledgehammer due to my condition, so you’re not alone in hoping for a more reliable, serious solution. This hits close to home, but you’re not out of options yet <3

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!