Q:
I am a bi woman and I have a friend who is a lesbian. Almost every time we hang out, my friend invites her girlfriend, often without mentioning it to me first. I like her girlfriend, and on most occasions the more the merrier, but I want to have one on one time with just my friend too. I also feel kind of a double standard, because if I were dating a cis man, I am sure she wouldn’t like it if I constantly brought him to our hangouts.
I am not sure how to bring it up to her that I don’t always want her to bring her girlfriend, especially because she is very devoted to her gf and prioritizes her above all else. I don’t want to seem bitter, but when I’m in a relationship I always try to set aside time for just friends, and she doesn’t seem to do the same.
A:
So yeah, you just have to say something! I hear you on wishing your friend would mention she’s bringing her girlfriend to you, but if she doesn’t know it’s bothering you, she’s not necessarily committing an overt social faux pas by bringing her girlfriend along. I hear you on wanting to set aside time for just friends, but everyone has different approaches to relationships, friendships, etc. I have historically sometimes been guilty of your friend’s behavior! I do often default to assuming I can bring my partner to social gatherings. But if a friend does ask to spend time with just me, I am happy to oblige. It doesn’t offend or bother me. But sometimes, I do need that desire expressed outright! I just generally like to socialize with my partner and let her get closer with my friends. But it’s not an issue if that’s not the vibe; I’d just appreciate that being made clear.
And if your friend is in a healthy relationship and values your friendship, then this should not cause any kind of drama or rift. You don’t seem bitter at all for wanting this; it’s perfectly valid! And I totally hear you on the double standard—I fear this is probably something I’ve been guilty of in the past too, assuming my wife would be welcome in a setting where I would not necessarily want someone’s husband at. Again, I’d be totally open to being called out for this! So I’d like to think your friend would be, too. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you necessarily HAVE to bring up the double standard of it all unless she pushes back against you for suggesting you’d like to hang out with her one-on-one or without her girlfriend. If your friend is immediately amenable (and I hope she is!), then I don’t think you really need to go into all that.
Even though as you say she prioritizes her girlfriend over all else (and that can be frustrating when it comes at the detriment of someone’s friendships), I hope she is reasonable enough to understand that just spending intentional one-on-one time with friends does not amount to deprioritizing her relationship. I have larger concerns if she’s incapable of socializing AT ALL without her girlfriend present, though those concerns aren’t necessarily your issue so much as something for her and her girlfriend to work on.
The next time you make plans with this friend, I think you should be upfront from the very beginning. Invite her to hang out and say you’d really like to spend time with just her, that is has nothing to do with her girlfriend but you’d like to have some partnerless social time with friends. If for whatever reason she pushes back, then you can go into further detail about how you’re feeling, including mentioning that you feel there’s a double standard about which partners would be welcome at your hangs and which would not. I truly hope it doesn’t come to all that! But you’re seriously not asking for much here; it should not be a big deal to ask for solo friendship time. Again, for the times I’ve been guilty of this, I would be grateful for a friend to communicate their wants from me and happy to oblige. I can assure you that for those of us who do sometimes default to bringing our partners around, it doesn’t inherently stem from a place of valuing our romantic relationships over our friendships or not caring enough about a friend to spend solo time. I love my marriage and I love my friendships, and often it’s because I love everyone involved that I want to mix and mingle. So if I’m giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, hopefully it’s just coming from a place like that and not from a place of being incapable of socializing without her gf. Again, she has bigger issues to work on if that’s the case.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
