I’m So Grossed Out By My Partner Now That We Live Together

I’m living with a partner for the first time and I am feeling like there is something wrong with me, or with everyone? I don’t know how people do this. How do you maintain a sex life while also hearing your partner shit twice a day, seeing them lick their fingers after eating a sandwich, smelling their BO in the morning…. how? 

Summer: Oh dear. So yeah, most people experience a bit of culture shock when they cohabit because you’re not just seeing them in their ‘presentable’ state. People have all kinds of different ‘presentable’ states, but home is usually our least ‘proper’ state. The adjustment and culture shock is normal, because you’re seeing a less tailored version of your partner.

What’s worrying is that their common bodily functions and pretty normal behaviors ick you out enough to be a bit distressing (or a lot distressing). Unless there’s another hygiene issue, defecation and body odour aren’t avoidable. Licking one’s fingers after eating also has a time and place (and home is an acceptable place for it). I hesitate to say this, but I think there’s an interplay between their normality and something in your worldview here. Maybe seeing them in a more ‘real’ state runs counter to an idea you’ve built up of your partner? Or perhaps you have a very different standard for how people should always be that isn’t compatible with your partner? Is there a hygiene issue that makes sex more difficult now that you’re in proximity, or does the thought of their (normal, human) grossness throw you off? If you can divine the source, I think you can start stepping toward answers.

Kayla: I do wonder if you’re attracted to your partner. I think sometimes attraction is tested when people start cohabitating and people can realize that initial attraction was also inflated by “new relationship energy” and other factors. I’m not saying you for sure are NOT attracted to your partner; different people have different relationships to “icks” and being grossed out by certain things. But it does make me wonder!

Nico: I do suspect that you might have some sensory issues that could be mitigated with some environmental changes and cooperation with your partner — and also, this is a problem a lot of couples have, including a lot of straight people, who have to establish boundaries and routines around their habitation of a space in order to continue to see their partner romantically. Can y’all use a white noise machine when using the bathroom, for example, and maybe establish boundaries about warning the other person so they can put on headphones, move to a different space, etc? Do you have room spray? I am also sure that you have some things you do that gross your partner out, so as hard as it may be, it might be productive to have a conversation about how you share the space while “keeping the mystery alive” or what have you.

Secondly, have you two been continuing to go out on dates since moving in together? It’s important that you continue to see your partner out in the world, being the person you fell for, and regularly!

And if after all this, you haven’t found your attraction again, then it might sadly be something that’s run its course.

Is there a good way to get my parents to let up on telling me to get a girlfriend? I know they just want me to be happy– I want a girlfriend too! But they are not really helping! I have tried saying things like “oh I am trying,” and “well it’ll happen when it happens…” But not finding a lot of success there.

Valerie: I don’t know your relationship with your parents, but if you’re comfortable, I think the best route is to be straightforward. “Hey, I promise I’ll tell you if my relationship status changes, but in the meantime I would love it if you could stop asking about it.” Explain to them that it’s stressing you out to be asked constantly, and maybe even remind them that it’s possible to find happiness in other ways and that you can be fulfilled without having a partner. If you’re focusing on work, or a hobby, or something, let them know that that’s what you’re prioritizing right now. I have a more snark-based relationship with my parents so if they didn’t listen to this request, and kept asking anyway, I would start answering as if they had asked a better question. “Do you have a girlfriend yet?” “Oh yeah work has been really great lately, I worked on this really cool project last week, thanks for asking.” “So are you seeing anyone?” “So glad you asked, I actually just finished this really great book, let me tell you about it.” To just condition them into not asking anymore. But probably the first option of being open and honest about your wishes is the better approach!

Summer: See, the ‘good’ response here really depends on your relationship with your parents. Are they generally loving and supportive, just nosey? Are you actively trying to reduce their influence on your life? I’m firm, cold, and reticent to almost all of my relatives (because of reasons).

The one thing I feel sure of is that no matter what your relationship is, giving them a fighting retreat with non-answers like ‘it’ll eventually happen’ isn’t going to help. You ought to assert that this is discomforting to you, even though you understand that their intentions are good. Soft ‘maybe’ answers leave the door open for them to engage with the topic again at a later date, rather than seeing it for what it is: unhelpful.

Kayla: I agree with the advice to be straightforward. Tell your family their constant questions about a girlfriend stress you out. Tell them you’ll let them know if your situation changes —if and when you’re ready. But them constantly asking isn’t going to magically manifest a girlfriend for you, so they can cool it!

Nico: Seriously (unseriously), you can ask them if they have someone to set you up with or if they have advice for dating apps and meeting queer people, if you want to be a bit cheeky and that’s the relationship you have. But overall, while our parents all bug us in some ways, it’s not okay for someone to keep on asking the same thing over and over again. Tell them you want them to stop asking and that it’s irritating or upsetting or frustrating you, and they really should listen. Queerness aside, there are so many substantial differences between what life is like for Millennial and Gen Z generations and what it was like at the same age for Boomers and Gen X. You want a girlfriend, sure, but I bet you also have so many other priorities you can ask them to talk about instead.

Riese: I don’t have any advice I just wanted to say that I think there are a lot of romance novels with this trope and what the romance novels would advise is that you should get a fake girlfriend who also needs to have a fake girlfriend to impress or appease somebody and then, what happens after that, is that you end up falling in love anyhow. You thought it was fake, but underneath it all there are real feelings that emerge!!! Something to think about